Creature Feature

I liked Tom Byron's work as a young man, perhaps the best of the guys assigned to hump Traci Lords, Christy Canyon and Ginger Lynn. I appreciate his longevity -still going at it after more than 30 years under the hot lights. But his ineptitude in making CREATURE FEATURE deserves harsh criticism.

It unfolds as an homage to Universal Pictures' classic horror films of the '30s and '40s, with the George Romero tribute of the final segment thrown in. But even a school kid shooting in his or her backyard with a smart phone or cheap camera could do a better job.

One could write ad nauseum about the video's shortcomings, but I'll try to cover the major low points more briefly. First the sex is lousy, despite talented players hired. Sunny Lane is completely inappropriate as the host supposedly decked out in black to imitate Elvira -who conveniently can't sue because pornmeisters have finagled carte blanche to rip off under the guise of "parody". Sunny doesn't tease, disrobe or do much of anything, except have her dumb intros recorded in an unintelligible echo chamber manner. How the mighty promising Sunny has fallen!

Format is poorly conceived: each segment is shown in monochrome, either pink or near-sepia tinted, with dirt and scratches simulated to present an "old time movie look". This is all wrong, making for an incompetent attempt at simulating silent films and their colorful tinting, not '30s black & white movies. For strictly commercial reasons, the "full color" kicks in right before the sex and blow jobs begin, to satisfy that porn audience out there (presumably). But the video cameras used today drain color, so the shift to full color is fake - we get a steely, more like duo-chrome look of pale skin tones against dull backdrops -horrible.

Makeup effects for the creatures are consistently bad, especially Tommy Gunn's Wolfman. Byron and his crew are brain-dead in one sense: they present already facially hairy Gunn with some extra facial hair -it doesn't extend to his neck or anywhere else, just a bit on the back of his hands (obviously due to excessive masturbation as a different legend than that of lycanthropy tells us) and his groin is as neatly shaved as any porn starlet's. Crossover fans for this junk will want some interesting EFX, so right there CREATURE FEATURE self-destructs. Add to this the completely ridiculous aspect of Gunn slipping and falling twice on a floor chasing his segment's heroine Lizz Tayler. It's not intentional, it's not funny and it's only in the finished feature because they are way too cheap to re-shoot anything.

Evan Stone predictably hams it up as Dr. Fuckenstein, with Jennifer White trying but failing to do anything as the monster's Bride in opening segment minus the monster. Her Elsa Lanchester two-tone hairdo is badly done, as is her pointlessly shredded looking costume.

Gracie Glam starts off her segment promisingly as an imitation of Lara Croft climbing various rock faces, When she gets to the tomb (to raid it) she humps a mummy, whose face we never see but is played by Mark Zane, who gets a non- sex acting (if you want to call it that) role in the finale. Boring, and a waste of Glam.

Count Dracula is impersonated by Anthony Rosano, poorly done and with no thought to the character - Byron & team think whiteface skin and slicked black hair = Lugosi. He humps Tara Lynn Foxx who does a decent job in the sack.

Aforementioned Wolfman segment is the poorest, with Tayler as transformed Gunn's wife immediately recognizing him -another mistake. Why Tayler has "Briana Banks" tattooed on her belly is yet another porn mystery to poor me - I'm not in the know on any of this crucial inside stuff. IMDb sort of helpfully lists that tattoo as her trademark, but what does it all mean????!

Byron can't resist casting himself as star of finale, an in-jokey take on NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. He does a lousy job as the zombie and even the simplest physical stagings, like Zane falling down and hitting his head on a rock, are ineptly performed and edited. Andy San Dimas is the Barbara character and I felt very sorry for the talented performer reduced to this level of junk.

Lest they be accused of missing a cliché, Byron & co. end the film with that highly original title: "THE END?". Nuff said.