Sangue de Bárbaros

I saw this film at age 9 when it was newly released, back in the sunset years of the Technicolor historical spectacular. I knew immediately that it was bad, GLORIOUSLY in-your-face bad! I eagerly taped it about fifteen years ago off a television broadcast and have gleefully lent the tape to friends and acquaintances many times since to spread the word.

The incomprehensible miscasting of John Wayne aside, THE CONQUEROR is bad in so many ways that's it's difficult to focus on the best (or worst) elements. Perhaps most delightfully awful is the dialogue:

"She is woman, Jamuga...much woman. Should her perfidy be less than that of other women?" (John Wayne to Pedro Armendariz)

"Kumlik's daughter! Spawn of the devil! Let your men make sport with her!" "No, mo-ther, I will keep this wo-man for my own plea-sure!" (Exchange between mom Agnes Moorehead and son John Wayne)

"You will love me, Bortai...you will love me of your own will before the sun rises!" "Before that day dawns, Mongol, the vultures will feast upon your heart!" (Love chat between Wayne and Hayward)

These are three of literally dozens of examples of prime dialogue kitsch with which THE CONQUEROR abounds. It is priceless...see it!

John Wayne is the consummate cowboy, only Clint Eastwood comes close to approaching the title. So it's really jarring to the sensibilities to see Wayne standing there in a Mongol costume and a cheesy "fu manchu" moustache spouting barbarian lines in his trademark western drawl. It's like seeing Alec Guinness start acting like Pee-Wee Herman; some serious misalignment of the heavens has happened and maybe that guy on the corner saying "the end of the world is nigh" was right.

That aside, "The Conqueror" plays like an epic Cecil B. DeMille movie, with epic lines, epic scenery, and epic music. Say what you want about modern cinema, recent movies as a whole tend to be better researched, with characters, clothing, and sets that are historically accurate. This movie makes it clear they had no concept what Genghis Khan and his time was like. People, Wayne included, simply say grandiose lines without any inflection, as if they had no idea how to act the part.

Through it all, I kept expecting Susan Hayward to claim she was an alien or had fallen through a time machine. I doubt very many 12th century Mogolian women had red permed hair and wore low cut dresses. "The Conqueror" is either one of the worst movies you ever saw or one of the funniest.

One of the all-time bad movies, an unintentional joke that actually stays funny for over two hours. John Wayne as Genghis Khan is one of the worst examples of miscasting in the history in Hollywood, but that's not what makes the movie so funny. What makes the movie funny is Wayne attempting to say the ridiculous purple prose of the script, the whole thing is written in this sort of pseudo-Shakesperian English, and John Wayne was always one of those rare actors who had serious trouble with anything like a grammatical sentence. Whenever things start to lag Wayne has to say something like "I ree-gret that Ah am without sufficient spittle to sa-lute you as you dee-serve" or the classic "Yore beautiful in yore wrath".

Also memorable for bad supporting performances by Agnes Moorehead and William Conrad, the sight of Wayne in Asiatic eye-makeup and Fu-Manchu moustace (the only biography of Khan I've read says he was white anyway), Susan Hayward doing a clumsy sword dance, a rape scene that would embarrass the tackiest Bodice-ripper, kitschy sets, and a Las Vegas revue act featuring a female dancer in a white leotard with a patch of fringe right *there*.

I know this is widely considered to be a great travesty of filmmaking, but its problems can be (and have been) over-stated. The costuming, direction, cinematography and choreography are all quite well done and it is surprisingly true to history. Most people can't get beyond the fact that John Wayne plays the title role of Genghis Khan and I admit that it is difficult, but the greatest problem is his accent, not his acting. He delivers his lines exactly as if he were in one of his Western classics and does not attempt a Mongolian accent. The dialogue is (contrary to the previous comments) not inappropriate, but when delivered by Wayne with his western twang, its does often sound comical. I suggest that the audience try to think of this film as just another cowboy movie and try not to take it so seriously. In the end, it is a thoroughly enjoyable film, and that is what matters. The lack of Asian actors is regrettable, but consistent for the era in which is was made.

This movie is a train wreck: you are horrified that it happened, but you can't help but look at it.

John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Take a moment and marvel at the thought. It's absurd on it's face and even funnier on film.

My father flipped past this one Saturday, and we all made him go back. We just couldn't believe it. We sat through the whole film, horrified one moment and laughing hysterically the next.

Sadly, though, I don't think anyone involved in the film was in on the joke it would eventually become.

Truly, this is a gem for all MST3K fans. Tom Servo and Crow would indeed love this "classic."