Five the Hard Way

This film is brutal, boring and just plain cheesy. It's technically two movies smashed together, the first is the entire "sidehacking" bit and the second is a murder story where Rommel's girlfriend is graphicly killed and he has to get back at J.C. someplace in the mountains with some other guys, including, a drunken hillbilly who tells bad jokes such as "Number 8!" And the ending makes no sense at all. The title "Five the Hard Way" doesn't seem to make sense to those who never heard of the song therefore labeling it dated. The alternate title of this film is "The Sidehackers" even though "sidehacking" is only seen in the first five minutes.

Avoid this stinker at all costs, unless of course, it's the Mystery Science Theater 3000 variation, which is one of the funniest episodes.

This movie shocked me. It shocked me over the time I wasted watching it, the very realistic trash performances, and of course...sidehacking. I have never heard of this sport. Plus, the beating of women, rape scene, and all out violence makes this a wonder to comprehend. Rommel is a grease monkey sidehacker and JC is the beatnik, alcohol swigging hepcat who puts on the trailer park performance in cinematic history. I think my favorite character was Jake. "He hit big Jake!!" Regardless of the dark ending, I'm glad I formed no rapport with anyone in this flop.

I say that the only way to watch this film is the MST 3000 version of it. I wouldn't say that it ranks #1 on my bad film-o-meter (THAT honor goes to Manos: The Hands of Fate), but it's bad.

The biggest yawnfest are the racing sequences. Are those guys foolproof, or did they just edit out all of the crashes?

The subplot isn't that great either. I'd describe it, but I want you to see how bad this film is for yourself, preferably the MST3K version. Everyone loves Joel, The Gumball Man (Tom), and Bird Beaked Boy (Crow)!

1/5 stars *

This is on my 10 all-time bad movie list.

Definitely in the Manos: hand of fate pile of hard to watch movies. The sidehacking racing scenes are as boring as the driving scenes in Manos. This movie is terrible and should not be watched unless under the influence of heavy painkillers. Lighthearted scenes of playing in the grass, followed by sleeping pill racing with a sick story of revenge and loss. Very bad combo that does not work. The psycho (JC) does make you hate him though because he is so vile. Avoid unless you have a memory like 50 first dates or Clean Slate.

Some movies are badly made but somehow charming in their incompetence. Some movies are disturbing but thought-provoking. Some movies just plain stink, but are good for a laugh if you're sitting around with your buddies altering your brain chemistry with substances of varying degrees of legality.

Then there's "Sidehackers", starring Ross Hagen, the Budget Steve McQueen, who wears a ridiculous little hat, and races a motorcycle with a funny side car (the "sidehacking" of the title). Budget Steve also likes to frolic in the tall grass and grunt and gurgle and murmur with his adoring fiancee, the lovely Rita. But when B.S. gets on the wrong side of J.C. (Michael Pataki, who usually plays Cold-War-era Soviet bad guys of various types), he gets the beating of his life. As for Rita, ... well, I just would rather not talk about that. Anyway, Budget Steve vows revenge, and....

Oh, what's the point! This movie is so devoid of any meaning, it doesn't really even matter what happens next. Suffice to say that I've seen sick films, violent films, and gruesome films, but I've never seen anything as pointlessly nihilistic as this one. Sartre would be bummed out watching this movie!

Incredibly, Joel & the 'bots managed to make a side-splittingly funny MST300 episode out of this one. Guess it just goes to show you - existential nausea makes for great comedy!