Engano Mortal

Joe (Michael Biehn) learned grifting from his father Mike Donan (James Coburn). In his final deadly con, Joe is supposed to shoot him with a blank but the bullet turns out to be real. As Joe looks into his mysterious unknown life, Joe discovers his money had been stolen by his twin Lou (James Coburn). Eddie (Nicolas Cage) and Diane (Sarah Trigger) work for Lou.

This tries to be a noirish crime drama. It never gets to feel real. From the bullet onwards, there are obvious questions left hanging. There are jumps in logic. There are easy conveniences. Then there is Nicolas Cage. His is a fake character gone too far. He's insane bothering on a cartoon. The movie stops being a real thing. Everything is in question and Joe is too dumb in not asking them. The con becomes a mess and none of it matters. The whole movie is a mess.

This movie sashays between an attempt at modern noir, an homage to film noir, and a parody of film noir.

I like Michael Biehn, but unfortunately his voice-over narration comes off rather flat. Some of the noir dialogue just falls on the floor and lies there -- I had to rewind to believe that I actually heard the line: "That was the thing that would send me into the darkness, squinting at clues."

Nick Cage's character is certainly a standout. I think the excesses of the character are supposed to be funny. However, Cage not only takes Eddie over the top but down the other side -- he chews up the scenery, digests it, and poops it out right there in front of you. For some reason he seems to think the character should always be on the edge of having a seizure. The cumulative effect for me is to flinch from the thought of ever again seeing him in a film. Really. Like aversion therapy. Say "Nick Cage" and I will think of him drooling and choose another film.

And the film suddenly veers off into an Italian James Bond rip-off! I thought for a moment they had gotten reels mixed up with another movie... In a stylish secret lair (behind a billiard parlor) we meet Angus Scrimm (the Tall Man from "Phantasm") as "Dr. Lyme", the man obsessed with diamonds. Crystals are everywhere, his female henchmen are decked out in big blobby crystal jewelry, the furniture is designed with crystalline angles. He comes complete with a Dr. No suit, a Sidney Greenstreet growl, and -- get this! -- a metal arm with a sharp shiny lobster-claw hand! No fooling. My jaw dropped. At least he wasn't stroking a cat.

Throw in Charlie Sheen as a suave pool hustler, and Mickey Dolenz and Clarence Williams III (!) as sidekicks, and you have quite a stew. Peter Fonda looks like he is thinking about his shopping list. James Coburn (the primary reason I picked up the film) definitely classes things up, but we don't see enough of him.

This film isn't quite a train wreck, but it is something of a demolition derby. Between a bus, a sportscar, a taxi, and a motorcycle. And a kid on a tricycle.

I'm going to hang onto it for a while, just to share Angus Scrimm's scene with people. And to prove I didn't dream it.

Michael Biehn was the only saving grace in this movie. I don't know how Cage got anymore jobs after his performance, of course he only had to work with what the writers gave him. Maybe if the writers had taken the time to write a better script, then maybe the movie would have been better.

I've seen most of the actors and actresses in other films, and I was surprised by all of their performances. I don't think any of them had much to work with. Again, the fault lays with the writers. I really felt sorry for the actors. And I wanted to cry for Michael Biehn. He is such a great actor, under rated, but great. He, as well as the other actors, didn't stand a chance with this film.

OK lets cut to the chase about this movie: the only people who should ever watch this movie are die hard Nicolas Cage fans. Everybody else will be bored out of their minds at this film. Micheal Bein turns in the most lackluster lead hero performance I have seen in years. The talents of both James Coburn and Peter Fonda are wasted in this movie. The only reason that anybody would want to watch this movie is to see Nicolas Cage screaming at the top of his lungs. Howver, all the best Cage scenes are already available online so it is basically a waste of time to track down a copy as Cage is only in about 30 minutes out of the movies 90 minute run time. However, the 30 minutes he is in the movie include some of the most quotable lines in Nic Cage history. The rest of the movie is watching the former Kyle Resse sleepwalking through a modern day film noir movie alongside James Coburn who honestly looks ashamed to be in this movie. Peter Fonda makes a brief cameo that is so short that if you blink you might possibly miss it. In short, check out the scenes with Cage being awesome and let the rest of the movie die off into obsurity.

I can't believe I've never seen this gem of a bad movie. For starters, it's the most over the top Nicholas Cage role Nicholas Cage has ever played. If he was at 11 in Wicker Man, he's at like a 23 in this, yet somehow it never made any of the "best of Cage" videos on YouTube. It's also got James Coburn, Peter Fonda, Charles Wainright III ("Linc" from Mod Squad), Michael Constantine, Talia Shire, and even a small part by Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees.

Then just when you think it can't get any weirder, they hit you with Charlie Sheen and - wait for it - Angus Scrimm. who actually has a bigger part here than in Phantasm.

They were going for noir, but ended up making an unintentional parody of noir. Very entertaining if you like that sort of thing.