Frosty Returns

This is bad. I mean, it's just BAD. There is no reason at all to watch this.

The animation is poor and the characters look like cheap, Charlie Brown knockoffs. Specifically, the nerdy science kid looks like Marcie's illegitimate little brother with a bad wig. The writers, desperately trying to channel the spirit of Willy Wonka, tried to make a script that appealed to kids on one level, and adults on another, and failed, miserably, at both.

The music (by Mark Mothersbaugh, late of DEVO) was tuneless and boring and completely unmemorable - which, considering it came from someone who had given us inspired music like "That's Pep", "Peek-a-Boo" and the cover of "Satisfaction", you expected far better.

Shall I go on? In an attempt to relate to kids from broken homes, they have Holly's mother, Lil, with a father who is unaccounted for. My best guess is that he was at Moe's Place with Homer Simpson because he was too embarrassed to be associated with this.

As I watched this with my daughter (who, wisely, was more concerned with playing with junk mail and my dog's chew toy) I cringed at the songs, winced at the "jokes", shook my head at the awful animation. Then came four words that explained everything: "Executive Producer - Lorne Michaels".

And suddenly, it all made sense.

The shame of this is that I like John Goodman, I like Jan Hooks and I even like Jonathan Winters. I sense they were trying their best to make chicken salad out of this. But their talents, were completely wasted here.

It is incredible to me that CBS insists on showing this garbage, every year, back-to-back with the original Frosty - a sublime classic. I get that CBS owns it, and consequently can make more cheddar by cramming this down our throats annually; but, then again, I own a pair of orange plaid bell bottoms and a 45 of Andy Gibb's "Shadow Dancing" and I'm not going to break them out for public consumption any time soon.

I spent 30 minutes watching this, and I'm never going to get those 30 minutes back. Watching replays of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, would have been more rewarding.

Avoid, avoid, AVOID!!!

-748/10

It's funny. Usually if we love a Christmas special as children, we'll be loyal to it forever. But I suppose there's exceptions to every rule and for me, Frosty Returns is that exception. I loved it to death when I was little-Miss Carbuncle cracked me up ("Where there's snow there's slush, and where there's slush there's ice, and where there's ice there's broken hips, and where there's broken hips there's substitute teachers!!"). She still does, as a matter of fact, but the rest of the show is just bad.

Frosty Returns is about-you guessed it-Frosty the Snowman returning. He acts nothing like he did in the original, spouting out things that seem to be jokes and dancing at completely random times. Strangely, it seems he can survive without his hat now. In the town of Beansboro he meets up with Holly DeCarlo. Holly wants to be a magician and she isn't really unlikeable, but her only friend is a token nerd named Charles. About five seconds after she and Frosty meet up, they find out a product called Summer Wheeze is being used by everyone in town. Basically, it's an aerosol spray that melts snow in seconds and creates instant spring. From then on Holly and Charles try to both save Frosty and stop Summer Wheeze.

You won't find any mention of Christmas here. Winter is the thing being saved. The word that annoys me is SAVED. The way Holly and Frosty talk about Summer Wheeze, you'd think it was bottled AIDs designed to wipe out dangerous minorities. And it's maker, Mr. Twichell, is the made out to be the epitome of evil-from the horrible way he's drawn to his cat. He keeps babbling on about how he wants a crown, because everyone loves Summer Wheeze. Forget the millions he's sure to make-give the man a crown.

I've always tried to be Earth friendly and I'm sure Summer Wheeze is a very bad thing. But I admit if a product like it existed, I'd buy thirty cans. The area I live in gets around 144 inches of snow a year, and it lasts into late March. It's like clockwork-I love December, tolerate January, get annoyed in Feburary, disgusted in March, and by the time Spring comes around like an angel of salvation, I'm ready to put a bullet in my head.

What Frosty Returns does is lecture for thirty minutes about how winter isn't bad-we NEED winter, it's fun, pretty, magical! We won't let old Stinkypants Mr. Twichell take it away! Uh, Holly, Frosty, sweeties...YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE IN THE (expletive) STUFF!!! SHUT UP! AND STOP SINGING! Aside from all that, Frosty Returns still is annoying. The animation looks a lot like Charlie Brown except bright and irritating. Even Holly and Charles show shades of Peppermint Pattie and Marcie in that a) Holly treats Charles like dirt, b) Charles looks exactly like Marcie with brown hair and empty, white eyes, and c) There's a very good chance the two are going to grow up and get married.

Now that's something to think about while you're watching.

I usually don't comment on material like this, but come ON. This has to be the worst holiday special ever, and I've seen "A Louie Anderson Christmas" which at least had a couple of subtle laughs in it. This one has nothing to offer except a twisted study of, yes, Liberal Hollywood pet issues on display masquerading as entertainment. And no, I don't listen to Rush Limbaugh, reached these conclusions on my own, and am appalled by how utterly vapid this is as a family entertainment. Pardon me if I take it seriously, but kids aren't stupid and deserve better than this.

First off, Christmas is gone, which is odd considering that Frosty is supposed to be a children's Christmas character. They even took his pipe away since we all know that smoking snowmen will be a bad influence on kids. Instead of a holiday, the focus of the retards in this special's town is a non-denominational "Winter Carnival" that is featured so prominently in the dialog that you get the feeling at the screenplay stage somebody literally crossed out the word "Christmas" whenever it was used and wrote "Winter Carnival" over it instead in an effort to make the cartoon more audience-inclusive for those who don't celebrate Christmas. Gee. Also, the whole "miracle" of Frosty's creation is utterly ignored (which makes sense, since we're working any kind of spiritual angle out of this to make way for more consumerism), making the choice of Frosty as the focal character arbitrary & meaningless. Why didn't they just create their own non-denominational Winter Carnival character? The answer is to cash in on the public's fondness for the popular Rankin/Bass cartoons that came before. It's just crass commercialism.

Next, the bad guy in the plot is a mean wicked Capitalist who drives around in a stretch limousine polluting the environment with aerosol spray can chemicals that eliminate snow, with his flunky brainwashed nature backstabbing rabbit doing the dirty work. It's not magic spray or anything either, just chemistry, and the mean rich Capitalist threatens to disrupt the non-denominational Winter Carnival by making the snow disappear without even asking for anyone's permission first. He just goes ahead and does it to impose his own will upon nature, just like certain pinheads would have you believe that the world's industry does in a deliberate effort to ruin the planet. Even more telling is that the meanie Capitalist isn't even allowed to learn or grow or be changed by the events, he's simply a two dimensional bastard for everyone to hate and go right on hating even after the show is over.

Which brings us to the issue of environmentalism, clumsily imposed on the story in the cartoon's big moment of revelation where the mean Capitalist is exposed as the threat to everyone's communal happiness as he is lectured to by an 8 year old girl about how snow is as important as sunlight and rain and, yes, clean air for everyone to breathe. This isn't holiday entertainment, it's a subtle form of indoctrination aimed at school kids. And I'd like to invite whomever came up with the idea about grumpy fun-wrecking adults not enjoying shoveling to come to Syracuse and deal with my sidewalk after a healthy dose of lake effect snow. Just once.

That leaves us with the songs, which are execrable. Why didn't they bother to get Joan Baez or someone with some actual talent to work these political messages into some songs worth listening to? The answer is because it didn't matter, and that the whole special is a contrivance. I'm one of those people who think that entertainment for children should be even more meaningful and worthwhile than entertainment for adults and something about this special doesn't pass the smell test. It comes across as a filmed deal with a bunch of celebrities providing the voices because their agents thought it would be a good career move to be involved with a non- denominational seasonal family special that has an environmental message to it.

2/10: Skip it.

I think the biggest issue I have with this holiday perennial, is that it was obvious that the writers were trying to put together a script that appealed to kids on one level, and adults on another, not unlike Willy Wonka. While this is certainly admirable to shoot for, it's very difficult to pull off and when it misses it can be quite painful to watch. This was no exception; it not only missed, but missed badly; consequently, much of this is completely unwatchable.

Additionally, the animation is poor. One of the producers is Bill Melendez, famous for his work on the Peanuts cartoons. Not coincidentally, the animation and the characters at times look like something out of a Peanuts cartoons. Unfortunately, it captured none of the charm of even the least inspiring of the Peanuts cartoons.

Not least of all, the music was tuneless and uninspiring. It wasn't hummable, it wasn't memorable, it was just embarrassing.

Why this continues to be shown every year opposite the original Frosty - in my mind one of the three best Christmas specials of all time - escapes me. If it were my call, I'd just run the original Frosty, twice. In the meantime, on this I'll pass.

0 out of 10.

Jonathan Winters as the narrator visits Beansborough's annual carnival but it may not happen this winter. Little Holly would rather play with her magic set. A heavy wind blows her magic hat which lands on a snowman. Frosty (John Goodman) comes alive with her hat. Mr. Twitchell has invented a spray Summer Wheeze which disappears snow and he sends out his trucks to spray his invention. Frosty is in danger. Holly has to convince everybody that snow is actually good.

The animation looks simplistic like old 70s kids show. However, it's different from the original Frosty the Snowman. The original is softer and more charming. This animation looks uglier. The spray actually seems like a good idea although Twitchell doesn't make sense. He's a weird villain who is battling nature. The whole thing seems like a late-night writing session gone wrong. This is way too stupid without the charm of the original. Also the songs are pretty weak. This is one Christmas special that doesn't need to be repeated.