McCinsey's Island

Although I am a woman with a giant-sized crush on Paul Wight, I must say that this is a remarkably poor excuse for a feature film, even a B- one such as this. The plot is utterly ridiculous, the writing is wretched and the acting is truly awful. If the direction had been any less inept, this film might have come across as agreeably silly; unfortunately this is not the case. Not worth the time it takes to watch it with (for me) the sole exception of Paul Wight's all too brief appearance.

Who makes this stuff.

I watched this on BBC one tedious afternoon ... couldn't they just have showed us Titmarch repeats or something. So it's the Hulk none stop, no ads for what seems an eternity. OK so there's a big crazy world out there to explore, and there are even other channels, seems like hundreds of them these days. Obviously I didn't have to waste my precious hours on this inanity and then more time following it up with this effort to save you your hours; but note to BBC director general; McCinsey's Island into TV licenses of £150 or whatever it is, does not go! Going off at a bit of a tangent there but anyway ...

Seriously ... WHO MAKES THIS STUFF! Hulk Hogan ... I can only assume that the man has some kind of disorder that makes him literally need some kind of attention to survive ... he's wrestling at 53 for god sake!! Obviously the only attention McCinsey's Island will get the 'Hulkster' is, well, if it goes up there as one of the worst pieces of film of all time.

Plot: basically there is none ... everything's built around awfully carried out set pieces ... the most ridiculous one coming at the end where the main evil-doer chases our heroes along the shore, wait for it, on water skis, firing wildly at them before crashing. Hulk's stature and physique, his main 'attributes' as an actor; which I guess are supposed to offer the viewer something in the way of a substandard Arnie; cannot hold him up, given his monotone delivery and constant cardboard cutout appearance.

Anyway there's buried treasure, retired secret agents, treacherous damsels involved and an appearance by another wrestler (I think) for a show down with our favorite bandanna clad all action hero. It all pretty much passed me by. I kept watching it though ... sadly I fear just to able to say 'hey have you seen McCinsey's Island ... has to be the worst film I've ever seen'. That's just the petty type of person I am ... I advise you to avoid this piece of trash like the proverbial plague. I dunno; check out one of the Hulk's better efforts in the time you save yourself ... The Nanny ... now that was a film ...

WHO MAKES THIS STUFF EH?

Hulk Hogan and Robert Vaughn are two bright points in this otherwise forgettable movie. A retired secret service agent (Hulk Hogan) is solicited by his Sherlock Holmes like partner (Robert Vaughn) to recover a boy, McCinsey's tresure, and an evil war monger (Grace Jones)

all in all two stars

What makes this movie so bad? Is that the insane plot about Hulk Hogan's "retired" secret agent finding a treasure map on the back of a turtle and then following it? Is it the sad waste of talent of Robert Vaughan? Is it Grace Jones's almost insulting turn as the baddie and the usual assortment of incompetent henchmen? Or is it the patronising and quite frankly unbelievably immoral ending?

Surely somebody, at some stage of making this picture, must have realised that the only people who were going to watch this was desperate parents who drop their kids in front of rubbish like this and call it "family entertainment"? It's cheap, crass, embarrassing and just not worth the effort. I realise that I may not be the target audience but even so, children should not have to put up with awful movies like this one. Avoid like a nasty aunt at Christmas!

Still, the scenery looked nice.

I'd spent the Saturday night awake, chatting to friends online, and so consequently I was feeling a little tired on Sunday morning. I was staying at a friend's house so there were two of us crashed in his room in front of the computer. We switched the TV on and crashed about 15-20 minutes into this movie.

At first I thought that the movie was a creation of my own tired, over-imaginative mind; OK this is a dream, I'm dreaming this, I can handle this, I ought to lay off the peanut M&Ms.

But no. The more we watched, the more I realized this was real. Very real.

Hulk Hogan was Hulk Hogan, usually sporting a wry little smile that suggested to me "yes I know this film is pants, I'm not taking it seriously". Robert Vaughn was trying desperately to act (doing rather well too). The remainder of the cast (yes Grace Jones, I'm mainly thinking of you) would probably have failed an audition for a Nativity Play on this performance.

But it doesn't stop there. Maybe because we didn't see the start but all kinds of plot lines didn't appear to make sense, nothing seemed to follow on from each other, I never felt any tension in the movie and upon watching the scene near the end with Grace Jones water skiing (?) onto the beach I was left wondering ... "WHY???". The dialogue was pretty poor [IMDB lists no "memorable quotes" which in this case would also make a good plot summary].

I'm left with the general thought of "why was this movie made", except as an example on how not to make a movie.

Closing thoughts. It is the worst movie I have ever seen (and I saw "Robocop 3" at the cinema!), I can't explain it any more than I already have done, you will never complain about movies again. That alone makes this movie a "Must See"!!

It is August. I'm hoping they go on to show "Santa with Muscles" at Christmas.