- Officer Keith Charles: [talking to David about marriage] You're in my will, I'm in yours. We basically are married, even if the law refuses to recognize it. But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush Administration. I guess it all evens out.
- Maggie Sibley: I know that if you think life's a vending machine where you put in virtue and take out happiness then you're going to be disappointed.
- George Sibley: I've made a lot of enemies through the years. You take the backstabbing world of academia, throw in a controversial field like geology and you've got real trouble.
- Claire: Geology is controversial?
- George Sibley: Oil, Claire. Oil.
- Celeste: You ever been with a woman?
- Officer Keith Charles: Of course.
- Celeste: I don't get fucked in the ass.
- Officer Keith Charles: That makes one of us.
- Celeste: [on the phone] Fine, I'll do the crappy Kids Choice Awards, but I'm not presenting with Hilary fucking Duff.
- Celeste: Creepy Colin Farrell just left me another creepy message; can't we do something about that, y'know legally?