Scientists estimate that the average human being has around 100,000,000,000 (100 Billion) brain cells (or neurons) and that after the age of 20 we tend to lose them at a rate of around 9,000 neurons per day. There are activities that can enhance that, such as sniffing paint or glue, which can accelerate that loss to about 300,000 a day...remarkable to say the least. In my own research this past week, I have discovered that exposure to the new movie "Yu-Gi-Oh!" makes the paint huffers of the world feel a little better about their eroding brain cells, as I believe I may have lost in the area of about 1.6 billion neurons in the time span of an hour and a half.
Yu-Gi-Oh is a fantasy card game that has taken over our children's lives and depleted our (parents) pocketbooks of hard-earned cash and has given us some of the most confusing conversations we have ever been subjected to. The cards have turned our sons (and some daughters) into poster children for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder without any help in sight. Either my son is OCD or he is a genius, but to follow this game with any type of success, I suspect he would have to be a mixture of both.
This leads me to "Yu-Gi-Oh!" the movie. My 9 year-old son has problems with his handwriting, he has issues with the use of pencils upsetting his tactile senses and his reading could be better, but he can utilize the internet to find the release dates of ANY movie that may, or may not be, in production at any moment. I, on other hand, am lucky if I can remember to shave in the morning. Anyway, he knew months in advance when this movie was coming out and quickly began to pine away the days with a sense of wistful yearning that is usually reserved for Sonic the Hedgehog and Spiderman...I knew at that very moment that my brain cells were at risk.
In the weeks preceding the release of "Yu-Gi-Oh!", I thought of so many ways to get out of seeing this celluloid nightmare. Maybe I would be called away to business in a Third World country...maybe I would be forced to sell soap to the criminally incarcerated...maybe I could pay a babysitter to go to the movie with him. In the end, after debating with my ex and also realizing I was too poor to afford a babysitter, I subjected myself to the experience.
We arrived at the movie theater; my son a portrait of unheralded joy with a hint of trembling angst, and me, saddled with the look of a man who has realized that the Governor is not going to call with a stay of execution...I am resigned to my own fate. As I expected, we got MORE cards upon payment of the tickets, though I did save some money by going to the matinée, so that's a positive. We started to the theater and as providence would have it, the movie actually started early, so we missed the first 3 minutes or so, which probably saved me approximately 300,000 neurons.
I cannot remember that much about the actual movie, but I do remember the "plot" (and I use that term loosely) was just what I thought it would be. It can be broken down into this easy to understand dialogue:
Enemy Guy: "I have this incredible card!"
Yu-Gi: "Oh yeah? Well, I have this incredible card!"
Enemy Guy: "Well, you may think that, but I have this card which combined with this other card makes your card obsolete!"
Yu-Gi: "Ha! You only think that, but I have this face down card that when combined with this magic card and this other spell card combine to create the ultimate monster that you could never dream of stopping!"
This goes on for an hour and a half. I am not kidding. I got you...you got me...I got you again. Finally someone got someone else and a card that was never before seen makes an appearance and changes the dynamics of the film. It was like watching theoretical Dungeons and Dragons geeks if they were to spar on ESPN, only the latter would probably be more entertaining because of the commercials. Speaking of commercials, this is literally an hour and a half infommercial.
Finally its over...its over...its over. I keep having to assure myself that this is indeed the case. In the moments after, I realize that I cannot remember the names of any of my teachers in grade school and that I can no longer pinpoint the exact moment when my hair began to recede. Thankfully, these memories are not as important as others and "Yu-Gi-Oh!" has not taken everything from me. The only thing I can actually remember from the movie is that the Blue Eyes Shining Dragon is not one to be trifle with.
In closing, I would be remiss if I did not quote that great sage Dean Vernon Wormer, "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son". After seeing "Yu-Gi-Oh!" I might tend to disagree.
