Tirante el Blanco

War between Constantinopolis and the Turks; a good looking Christian warrior and lustful damsels; and castle intrigues. Good elements for an adventure and love story. Package this with a rich production, luscious imagery, elaborate carnivalesque costumes, and famous actors. Sounds good? Alas, this titanic effort meets its iceberg in the form of dumb and Disneyesque bombastic dialog. The intellectual level is that of children, though young teens may find pleasure in the action. I could tolerate such dumbing down for just an hour. A wasted evening.

I felt sad for Giancarlo Gianini, an actor for which I have great admiration. To see him in such a wreck! I guess the pay must have been good. He redeemed himself when, after one bit of shaggy-dog dialog, he looks askance at the perpetrator of the utterance with a disgust filled sneer. Yes, Giancarlo, that the way I felt throughout the time I endured this albatross.

Tirant lo Blanc is a brilliant satire on the conceits of European knighthood, as well as the absurdities of the Byzantine empire which were responsible for its paralysis and downfall. Many who have seen the film seem to have missed this point, probably due to the fact that the satire is entirely solemn and straight-faced, as it should be. The knights and the Byzantine court nobles do take themselves very seriously, but the audience gets to see them for what they are (just as readers of the book do.) It's a lush and lavish film full of surprises;Tirant's absurd courtly love for the shallow, vain Princess Camesina, the doddering old Emperor reduced to entrusting the defense of his country to a foreigner, the lusty cougar Empress who can't wait to bargain away her daughter, even to the infidel Turk, and the lover who is young enough to be her grandson!-these are some of the characters you'll meet. The ladies of the court are very active schemers and plotters in the course of events, culminating in the incredible sight of Tirant forced to lead his knights into battle when he has two broken legs suffered from a fall incurred while attempting to breach the princess' bedchamber.

Well, the story is based on the book "Tirant lo Blanc", written by Joanot Martorell in XIV century. Tirant is the best knight of Aragon Kingdom and must go to Constantinople to help the Emperor to fight against the Turkeys. There, he will fall in love with little princess Carmesina and will fight in the war. Unfortunately, things will not happen as our lovers like, as politics are between them. The movie is well done, the task of clothes and photography is very good, as the choice of actors and their acting. Unfortunately, as the movie focuses only in the bed aspects of court's live, the vision of the story is very partial (the story is not bad, but I think the director could have taken more profit of it), and, in addition, the war scenes are horrible. This is possibly due to lack of money, but, used to see Hollywood wars, the effect is terrible and disgusting. The material (the main book) is good, as the director, but the result could have been much better. I expected more of the director Vicente Aranda.

This film is unwatchable. I tried twice. I love stories like this, so was willing to give it a look. The costumes are spectacular. The acting is truly horrible across the board. It begins with the hero we see, who when he finally speaks has the squeaky high pitched voice of an obnoxious child. This is followed by a meeting with the king, and he is dressed to the nines. Immaculate and awesome king clothes. The actor stuffed inside of them must have been a relative of the director or an investor. His acting is that of one who has no idea, no idea at all. Given the spectacular sets and costumes, somebody had some money. Sometimes a film is just to bad to coherently review. The work that went into the sets and costumes makes the poor direction and acting confusing. You keep wanting to give it a chance because it looks delicious. I couldn't.

Oh boy! What a shameful experience. Stakes were high with this one. Four fine actresses on a 'Dangerous liaisons' type of film but somehow in the process everything witty and entertaining contained in this great novel of the 15h century was lost in translation.

The film gives no clue whatsoever if the tales being told have anything to do with some army in particular in some period of history or with the lord of the rings saga..

(Hint: the turks are the orks, and Tirant resembles Aragorn, though no Virgo Mortensen in sight just a lookalike). (Another hint: the standard flag of Tirant's side in battle scenes)

The film carries a solemnity that echoes through the halls and chambers of every step of flight of stairs of the palace in which the static action takes place. Can you hear my yawn from the aisles of the castle?

Esther Nubiola as Carmesina -the princess-, Ingrid Rubio as Estephania, Leonor Watling as Pleasureofmylife, Victoria Abril as the Peacefulwidow and Jane Asher as the queen do their best in trying to liven things up.

But the dead funeral air of Vicente Aranda's take at sex scenes won't make you have a hard on if it's not in the way of rigor mortis.