Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre

At the moment I'm writing this user comment Iceland is world famous, not so much for unleashing this particular horror movie upon the world, but because an active volcano started to erupt and the subsequent spreading of thick clouds full of damaging ashes makes any type of aviation impossible all over Europe. Perhaps this is another good idea for an Icelandic horror movie after "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre"? Spectators of environmental phenomena traveling to Iceland to climb the volcano get brutally killed by local villagers who refused to be evacuated before the eruption and became irreparably damaged maniacs? How about that? I could be rich writing this nonsense instead of joking about it on the internet.

Anyway, about the actual movie "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre", I regret to announce that I rarely ever witnessed a movie that used to little of its own massive potential. The title is terrific, the setting and scenery are astonishing, the basic concept is ideal horror material and the opportunities to go berserk with gore and bloodshed are immeasurable … And yet, unfortunately, RWWM is a mostly dull and derivative slasher imitation of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", with bland villainous characters, suspense-free rampages and uninspired murder sequences. A group of tourists of different nationalities, though including most stereotypes like photographing Japanese people and an obnoxious French guy, go on a whale watching trip in Icelandic waters. The captain (played by THE Gunnar Hansen of the original TCM) dies in a banal accident and the tourists get picked up by a wandering family of whale hunters. They're unemployed and quite frustrated due to the whale hunting prohibition, so they decide to relief some anger by slaughtering tourists.

I must admit I was quite disappointed after finishing RWWM. I was truly hoping for a deeply grim, sardonic and raw slasher, but the ambiance was not even half as disturbing as it could (and should) have been. The opening sequences are quite unsettling; with genuine whale hunting archive footage guided by eerie tunes, but the film almost immediately reverts to familiar slasher territory after the credits. The tourist characters are all insufferable beyond belief (although admittedly, people do become selfish bastards in hazardous situations) and the demented whale hunter family members are not the least bit menacing. There's only one kill that is truly worth mentioning (involving a harpoon, duh!) and the climax is a huge letdown. Naturally there are also references towards Iceland's most famous musical export product Björk and her tiresome song "It's oh so quiet". A missed opportunity.

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If that's the case, then Tobe Hooper's "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" must be a very proud man. Many a movie has tried to imitate that movie for a while now, to the point of it becoming more than a little tiresome. Sure, some have managed to succeed in this regard, but many, many more have failed. Though nowhere near as bad as others, "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre" just can't pull it off in the end.

In Iceland, a motley group of friends and strangers decide "Hey, we should go whale watching!" This is all great at first. Then an all around annoying alcoholic Frenchman named Jean-Francois (Aymen Hamdouchi) start's goofing off, leading to the boat breaking down and the captain ("Chainsaw's" own Gunner Hansen, here advertised in top billing yet regulated to a cameo) dying. Fortunately, they end up being picked up by a whale fishing vessel. Too bad that it's run by a group of sadistic "Fishbillies" who have some harsh plans.

From the get go, you can tell that "Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre" wants desperately to be the Icelandic answer to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." To it's credit, it does manage to get a few things right. The movie is rather tongue in cheek to say the least, and some of the humor on display got me to laugh a few times. There's also a great, eerie score by Hilmar Örn Hilmarsson, as well as some choice cinematography. Oh, and the kills and gore are pretty fun at times too, with one near the end that made even jaded old me applaud.

But it still comes up short. I know that this isn't going to be the most original movie, but this is an instance in which familiarity doesn't breed contempt, but boredom instead. This kind of horror movie has been done so many times, and here there just isn't enough to make it stand out. I don't care how crazy these sea-faring hillbillies are, it's still rather annoying. From a social standpoint, the film seems to be making some kind of statement about the whaling industry and it's effect on nature and economy, yet the movie likes to have it both ways, portraying anti-whaling types as selfish, unlikable hippies (though that is true in some cases-look as "Whale Wars.")

The biggest problem though, is that it doesn't seem to know who should be the main character. First you think it's going to be Annette (Pihla Viitala), but the next thing you know it's Mary-Anne (Miranda Hennessy) and Leon (Terence Anderson) and then it's a female Japanese tourist named Endo (Nae.) Not only do we have nobody to root for, but we also have no real main character. Films like this need a major character to hope for, and this offers none of that.

I will say again that in the world of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" tributes and rip-offs, this is far from one of the worst. At the same time though, it offers very little else, and feels like a wasted opportunity. Oh well, chalk up another one.

Interesting fact: Apart from writing the screenplay for this movie, Sjón Sigurdsson also wrote songs for Lars Von Trier's "Dancer in the Dark." Quite a difference to say the least.

HARPOON: THE REYKJAVIK WHALE WATCHING MASSACRE is billed as Iceland's first horror film and their answer to THE Texas CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, with the action shifted to an inhospitable landscape and a ship. Unfortunately, it turns out to be as dull-witted and laughable as many a Hollywood slasher sequel, a film that strives to be horrific and entertaining and yet which ends up a mess.

The first half of the film sets up the cast, which is fair enough, but it doesn't help that most of the characters are intensely irritating (with the exception of the black guy and the Japanese girl). Gunnar Hansen pops up for a worthless cameo, but after that we're mired in a mess of horror film clichés and predictable death sequences. It's all badly written and quite badly directed, two things which sap enjoyment from the production.

One thing HARPOON does have going for it are some explicit gore sequences, although these aren't quite as grisly as you'd expect, with the emphasis being on the staging of each effect rather than going all-out to gross-out the viewer. But such moments aren't enough to save what is another forgettable, lamentable horror yarn.

What a poster! What a title! What a stinking piece of arctic garbage! Simple enough story. Group of unrelated people set off on a whale watching expedition. Something goes awry. Bad family of crazies show up. Tourists think they're being rescued. People start dying. Try to survive. There ya go.

What a stinking horrible summary that was, huh!? And I could give a crap! This flick in no way deserves my cognitive efforts, and if you think you're gonna read a review that cares...get ready for a supriseis!!1

I really don't even know where to start. I suppose starting with the good is the best case here...since anything positive was entirely slim-pickings. The make-up and blood effects were impressive. The ending was grim. That's it.

The bad...which I forbid to dwell upon, encompassed everything else. The acting was amateur, the writing awful, the use of a Bjork song was appalling, the characters were annoying, and the direction....A word...A word...A word......atrocious. Yes! And the entire movie itself....abysmal! Look at me go, Ma!! To be fair to the entire crew and what not, the productions were indeed slick, but when it came down to telling a solid horror story, it not only dropped the ball, it dropped the ball from the top of the Empire State Building into a pile of steaming Orca excrement. Don't let the positive reviews fool you, or the useful/not useful voting. This movie sucks my ass!

The best thing I can say about HARPOON is that I watched it to the end (with, I must admit, increasing use of the fast forward button) hoping that it was going to come together. It didn't.

The opening titles are shown over grainy footage of whaling boats. Then we are introduced to an assortment of irritating characters of various nationalities. They go out for a short (presumably about two hours, based on dialog muttered in passing) trip to, well, watch whales.

The captain (the great Gunnar Hansen, the only familiar name in the cast) falls victim to a, well, harpoon. Then the irritating tourists, squabbling among themselves, get on board a "rescue" ship that turns out to be manned by crazies.

This is not a case of watching untalented actors go through the motions. But the tone is so uncertain that we never become involved with these people in their struggle to survive. Is this supposed to be a comedy? If not, why does a scene in which one character's dying act is to decapitate another seem so hilarious in retrospect?

At the very beginning a title card announces that this was a product of the Icelandic Film Company, which I presume to be an entity that encourages the development of that Country's cinema industry, possibly with funding or at least tax breaks from the Icelandic government. It would have been amusing to have been present when this film's producers set up their projector in the company's board room, as in, "You spend our $4 million on THAT?"

Two positive notes about the film, though: 1. It has, oddly enough, some effective use of sound that gave my stereo speakers a chance to shine. 2. Neither the director nor screenwriter has gotten another credit on IMDb since making this turd.

By the way, HARPOON may stink in most aspects but it has a great poster.