- Detective Hagan: Do you want to explain why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone? One block from the victim's house. Just moments after he got shot dead.
- Nick Hendricks: I was drag-racing. I'm a drag-racer.
- Detective Samson: You were drag-racing.
- Nick Hendricks: [nods]
- Detective Samson: In a Prius.
- Nick Hendricks: I don't win a lot.
- Dale Arbus: [walks into Julia's office, notices she is wearing nothing but heels, panties, and her white jacket covering her breasts] Oh, shit!
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [pushes a lock button on her desk to prevent Dale from leaving]
- Dale Arbus: Uh-oh.
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [motions to the chair] Will you have a seat, Dale?
- Dale Arbus: Do I have to?
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Please.
- Dale Arbus: Sure.
- [slowly and awkwardly takes his seat]
- Dale Arbus: This is a little ridiculous, but...
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Look, Dale, you know... I know I like to fool around at work, right? And I might even, you know, I might even cross the line a bit. But the last thing I wanna do is-is make you uncomfortable. I mean, it's just not professional, you know? And I pride myself on being a professional. So from now on, what I would like you to do is just tell me, you know... when and if, uh, I cross the line. Okay?
- Dale Arbus: Okay. Now.
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?
- Dale Arbus: Well, now, you're kinda crossing a line... because you're naked.
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Uh... I'm not naked, Dale. Can you *see* my pussy?
- Dale Arbus: [nervously] Hmm... true. Um... but I think, uh, even really saying the word..."pussy", that's...
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: That's crossing the line?
- Dale Arbus: Little bit.
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're starting to sound like a little faggot there, Dale.
- Dale Arbus: There we go! That one's another one. Probably illegal thing to say, too.
- Kurt Buckman: Are you a businessman?
- Dean 'MF' Jones: Yeah. Motherfucker Jones.
- Kurt Buckman, Dean 'MF' Jones: [they shake hands] What's that?
- Dean 'MF' Jones: Motherfucker Jones.
- Dale Arbus: Your first name is... Motherfucker?
- Dean 'MF' Jones: Not "motherfucker". "Motherfuckah". White people say "-er", Negroes say "fuck-ah". You say "er", I say "ah".
- Dale Arbus: Shut the fuck up for a second.
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Don't you tell me to shut...
- Dale Arbus: Julia, shut the fuck up for a second, all right? Now, here's what's gonna happen, okay? I'm going to take a very nice, very expensive two-week vacation with my fiancee. Let's call it a honeymoon, all right? And you are gonna pay for it. Then I'm going to return to a rape-free workplace, all right? Because if you so much as look at my sexy little ass, Julia, I will have yours locked the fuck up, you crazy bitch whore!
- [Dale pauses]
- Dale Arbus: Ah, that felt good.
- Kurt Buckman: C'mon! Let's do this! Think about Gam-Gam! Wouldn't she want her favorite grandson to be happy?
- Nick Hendricks: She wouldn't want me to kill him.
- Kurt Buckman: You gotta forget about Gam-Gam. She's dead. Move on.
- Bobby Pellitt: You're three hours late. What's the deal?
- Kurt Buckman: I was at your father's funeral.
- Bobby Pellitt: Uh-huh. Well, maybe that excuse would have flown when my dad was here, but I'm in charge now.
- Dave Harken: Life is a marathon and you cannot win a marathon without putting a few Band-Aids on your nipples!
- Kurt Buckman: [last lines - out-take] Wouldn't mind bending her over a barrel and showing her the 50 states, right?
- Nick Hendricks: I don't know what that means.
- Kurt Buckman: It's a phrase.
- Nick Hendricks: I don't think so.
- Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it is. Certainly it is. Definitely it is.
- Nick Hendricks: Really?
- Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it's from a movie.
- Nick Hendricks: [negative head shake] uh-uh.
- Kurt Buckman: It is now.
- [looking into camera]
- Nick Hendricks: Beautiful.
- [winks at the camera]
- Kurt Buckman: [after seeing a picture of Harken's wife] I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states.
- Kurt Buckman: Your father told me very clearly that he would rather die than save money and hurt people.
- Bobby Pellitt: Well, guess what? Looks like we're right on schedule then.
- Nick Hendricks: I'm such a sucker! Harken was never gonna promote me...
- Kurt Buckman: That coked-up prick is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everybody!
- Dale Arbus: She stood there with her breasts, right in my face!
- Kurt Buckman: ...Y'know, yours doesn't sound that bad.
- Nick Hendricks: Where were you during the murder?
- Kurt Buckman: I was making love. I was making love to a woman. You know... murdering some ass.
- Dale Arbus: [Talking to man on NavGuide] Hey, I always wondered these kinds of things, but is your real name Gregory?
- Atmanand: [in Indian accent] Um, no, sir. Standard NavGuide protocol is to use names American people find easy to pronounce. My real name is Atmanand.
- Kurt Buckman: You know what, buddy, I'm not gonna play by the rules. I'm gonna call you Akmantad.
- Nick Hendricks: Atmonent.
- Atmanand: [slowly pronouncing] At-man-and.
- Kurt Buckman: I'm just gonna call you Gregory cuz that name is a fuckin' nightmare, buddy, let me tell you.
- Dean 'MF' Jones: First thing first: we gotta handle business.
- Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm.
- Dean 'MF' Jones: I need $5000.
- Kurt Buckman: No!
- Dale Arbus: No!
- Nick Hendricks: There's gonna be no more money.
- Dale Arbus: No!
- Dean 'MF' Jones: $2000?
- Dale Arbus: No.
- Nick Hendricks: Absolutely not.
- Kurt Buckman: No way, Motherfucker. No.
- Dean 'MF' Jones: [sighs in defeat] All right, look... pay for my drinks.
- Dale Arbus: Pay for his drinks? Yeah.
- [to Nick]
- Dale Arbus: Pay for his drinks.
- Nick Hendricks: I'll do that.
- Dale Arbus: Not a very good negotiator.
- Dale Arbus: [about Bobby Pellit] Why would you put his whole bathroom in your ass?
- Kurt Buckman: I didn't know I had DNA in my butt!
- Dale Arbus: You're lying! You *know* there's DNA in your butt! You just like shoving shit in your ass, you fucking pervert!
- Nick Hendricks: We are lawyering up, man. That's it.
- Dale Arbus: I don't have money for a lawyer, okay! I bought a very expensive ring that I can't afford, then I gave the rest of my motherfucking money to Motherfucker Jones!
- Kurt Buckman: That's who we should talk to.
- Nick Hendricks: Sure. Why not? He's covered us this far, right? Five grand?
- Dale Arbus: Five thousand... forty, with the briefcase.
- Kurt Buckman, Nick Hendricks: Shut the fuck up about that case!
- Kurt Buckman: You don't fucking punch the driver!
- Nick Hendricks: Yeah, you don't punch the driver, man.
- Dale Arbus: I'm coked out of my fucking head, I can punch whoever I want to!
- Dave Harken: Listen to me, you stupid little runt. I OWN YOU. You're my BITCH! So don't walk around here thinking you have free will because you DON'T. I can break you anytime I want!
- [first lines]
- Nick Hendricks: I get to work before the sun comes up, and I leave long after it's gone down. I haven't had sex in 6 months with someone other than myself. And the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime. Could be a kiwi, no way to tell.
- Bobby Pellitt: You know what, I don't hear you giving... dickskin any shit.
- Kurt Buckman: Dickskin? Nice.
- Bobby Pellitt: Kiss ass.
- Jack Pellit: Come on, come on.
- Bobby Pellitt: Yeah, go on, in you go. Go on, gay boy!
- Kurt Buckman: I'm not gay!
- Bobby Pellitt: Please. I've seen gay boys. You're one of them.
- Kurt Buckman: Yeah, where'd you see them?
- Bobby Pellitt: In your house! Get in! I'm a green belt, motherfucker!
- Dale Arbus: [Julia shows him pictures of her cavorting with him while he was unconscious] Rape. Rape, rape, this is what raping is. You're a raper, you've raped me. That's a rape! RAPE!
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oh, just relax there, Jodie Foster. Your dick wasn't even hard.
- Dale Arbus: That does not give me any relief.
- Nick Hendricks: [narrating] Strangely enough, lucky for Kurt, there's no laws on the books against putting people's toiletries up your ass.
- Dale Arbus: Your ad said you do wetwork.
- Wetwork Man: That is correct. I urinate on other men for money. Why else do you think my ad was in the "Men seeking Men" section?
- Kurt Buckman: [to Dale] You fucking idiot!
- Dale Arbus: We are MEN looking for another man!
- Dave Harken: If I was gonna put my balls in honey and shaved coconut, you'd do that too?
- Nick Hendricks: I would not.
- Dave Harken: Sure?
- Nick Hendricks: Yeah.
- Dave Harken: 'Cause I've got some coconut.
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [after spraying Dale's crotch with water] Well, Shabbat Shalom, somebody's circumcised!
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're gonna give me that dong, Dale.
- Dale Arbus: My dong?
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You are going to fuck my slutty little mouth.
- Nick Hendricks: Dean Jones, that's the same name as the actor in "Herbie, the Love Bug".
- Kurt Buckman: Yeah, he's not gonna know who that is.
- Dean 'MF' Jones: I know who he is, bitch.
- Kurt Buckman: Sorry.
- Dean 'MF' Jones: I can't walk around this freakin' neighborhood with that Disney-ass name.
- Nick Hendricks: How's it going over there? What do you know about Julia?
- Kurt Buckman: I've learned that I gotta switch dentists 'cause this woman is unbelievably hot.
- Bobby Pellitt: [after tricking Kurt into firing Hank] This is an Accounting Department decision, my hands are tied. I'm sorry.
- Kurt Buckman: [to Hank] This wasn't my idea.
- Hank Preston: [dubious] Fuck... you... Kurt.
- Dale Arbus: At least you boss isn't sexually harassing you.
- Kurt Buckman: Oh my god, here we go again.
- Dale Arbus: Don't give me that.
- Nick Hendricks: You'll never get any sympathy out of us for this.
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're engaged now,
- Dale Arbus: Right.
- Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: And I respect the institution of marriage way too much to violate it. So that's why you're gonna have to do me well before the wedding.
- Nick Hendricks: [talking about fleeing to Canada] We'll learn the metric system. We gotta buy coats and sweaters and learn hockey and all that shit.
- [out-take]
- Kurt Buckman: [in reference to Bobby's house] This place is awful. It's like The Sharper Image took a shit in here.
- Nick Hendricks: [seeing Rhonda coming out of the same bathroom where Kurt went] Kurt, what happened there?
- Kurt Buckman: Oh, uh she was giving me a tour of the mouth -- House.
- Dale Arbus: [after forced and badly improvised phone sex with Julia] Nice job fucking the crazy out of her, Kurt!
- Kurt Buckman: Oh I'm sorry, maybe I should've tried dancing on her boobies!
- Kurt Buckman: [after seeing a picture of Harken's Wife] I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states
- Nick Hendricks: Where are you two gonna find a hit man?
- Dale Arbus: Why don't you guys leave that up to me, okay? I got this whole thing figured out. I'm gonna give you a call tomorrow and tell you where to meet me.
- Kurt Buckman: Why don't you just tell us now?
- Dale Arbus: 'Cause... I don't have it figured out.
- Kurt Buckman: I have a question: If one of us knew, you know, who the shooter was, and he was willing to serve you that perp on a platter, he would be entitled to some sort of immunity, right?
- Detective Hagan: No, he would be entitled to some jail time. Because if he knew who the shooter was and didn't tell us, that would be obstruction of justice.
- Kurt Buckman: Well, then I'm glad none of us know who the shooter is.
- Wetwork Man: Oh, and by the way, I still will want my $200.
- Nick Hendricks: Understandable.
- Kurt Buckman: We insist.
- Nick Hendricks: Two hundred, huh? A bargain.
- Kurt Buckman: To kill three people?
- Dale Arbus: I thought it was such a good deal.
- Kurt Buckman: Dipshit. Unbelievable.