Se Eu Tivesse Pernas, Eu Te Chutaria

The narrative primarily centers on motherhood or more accurately, on mothers from all walks of life, striving to provide the best for their children, who selflessly sacrifice anything necessary to ensure their children's safety and well-being, all while juggling their professional, personal, and marital responsibilities.

Yet, their efforts are frequently met with harsh judgment from ignorant men and, at times, even from other ignorant women.

As a result, the suffocating guilt and the anxiety of being labeled a "bad mother" invade their consciousness like a relentless plague. Each day becomes a battle, and every attempt to meet their obligations drains their very will to live and breath, yet they persist, dutifully adhering to their responsibilities because they lack the 'privilege' to pause or take a break without the oppressive weight of stress incessantly looming over them.

The film not only presents these struggles with empathy and intricate detail but also critiques a society that often overlooks the turbulent mental states of mothers; a conversation we all need to engage in more actively by the way.

And all this is shown through Linda, a mother struggling to balance different aspects of her life while providing the "special" care and attention her daughter requires. Enacted exceptionally by Rose Byrne, who happens to command every frame she appears in; her vulnerabilities, fears, and the emotional turmoil that gnaws at her precious sanity are powerfully portrayed on screen.

Undoubtedly a class act!

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is one of those 2025 psychological suspense films that tries so hard to be profound that it ends up dull instead of daring. It's not a terrible movie - the filmmaking is competent, the performances are solid - but it's the kind of project that mistakes ambiguity for depth and leaves audiences more detached than intrigued.

The story centers entirely on one woman's perspective, and while following her journey should have created intimacy and intensity, it instead becomes monotonous. We rarely see anyone else, which strips the story of dimension and tension. It's a one-character show that forgets how important interaction and pacing are in sustaining suspense. The idea that her mental health might be unraveling is an interesting setup, but the film never commits to whether she's truly unstable or simply misunderstood - it dances around the theme without ever landing a real emotional punch.

Where the movie really loses itself is in its attempt to be "artistic." The endless dreamlike sequences, floating orbs, fragmented flashbacks, and surreal imagery feel more like distractions than layers of meaning. These stylistic flourishes could've been powerful if they connected thematically, but instead they come off as arbitrary. It's as if the director wanted to prove this was a thinking person's thriller without providing anything to actually think about.

The script doesn't do the story any favors either. The dialogue feels sparse and disconnected, and the pacing drags under the weight of its own self-importance. The film wants to make a statement about perception and reality, but it never gives the viewer enough clarity or tension to invest in that concept. What should've been a gripping character study ends up as an exercise in endurance.

Rose Byrne gives a strong performance - grounded, layered, and quietly expressive. She's the reason this movie stays even remotely watchable. Christian Slater, meanwhile, does what he can with a strangely underwritten role that barely fits into the story. Everyone else fades into the background, as if they're just there to fill empty space rather than contribute to the narrative. It's one of those films where the casting feels off - like the puzzle pieces were close to fitting, but not quite right.

By the end, If I Had Legs I'd Kick You leaves you with more questions than satisfaction, and not in the good, thought-provoking way. It's a creative effort with good intentions, but it collapses under the weight of its own ambition. The concept could've been great, the execution is decent, but the experience is ultimately bland. It's fine for a one-time watch, but there's nothing here worth revisiting.

As a woman in my mid twenties recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, this film was deeply uncomfortable it irritated me, pulled me in, and wouldn't let go until the end.

It captures emptiness and distorted perception with unsettling precision. I saw myself in it and that recognition brought a mix of satisfaction, fear, disgust, and acceptance.

It's a complex, haunting portrayal of despair and chaos within a wounded or unstable mind.

A brilliant work. I'll never watch it again.

An outstanding film-in fact, the best I saw at this year's Berlinale. Watching it, I couldn't help but feel echoes of The Substance (2024), as it masterfully balances fantasy, horror, and an almost suffocating intensity centred around the theme of motherhood.

*** Rose Byrne delivers a phenomenal performance, one that earned her a well-deserved award in Berlin. The film leans heavily on her presence, and rightly so-her portrayal is what makes the experience so gripping. We see, hear, and feel everything from her perspective, yet that very subjectivity leaves room for doubt. Are we witnessing reality or a distorted, anxiety-fuelled version of it?

*** The cinematography amplifies this tension brilliantly. The use of tight close-ups throughout most of the film creates an unsettling sense of imprisonment, mirroring the protagonist's internal struggle. It's only in some moments of relief that the camera pulls back, giving us fleeting glimpses of the world beyond her immediate perception. This directorial choice not only strengthens the script but also deepens the film's psychological impact.

*** If I Had Legs, I Would Kick You is an immersive, nerve-wracking experience-a must-see that will undoubtedly find its place on many cinephiles lists for the 2025 best movies.

I need to start a list of all the films that have cemented the fact I will never have children. 'If I Had Legs I'd Kick You' would go somewhere near the top. This movie was nightmare fuel.

This is one of those rare movies where there's no real plot or story, and yet you're still captivated by every moment. You need to know what will happen next. And it feels like anything could happen next, which is great feeling.

The final sequence was an interesting one and something I had to do some reading about to fully get my head around. I liked it but it wasn't quite the knockout blow I was hoping the movie would end with.

This is exactly the kind of movie where a Q&A with the director afterwards at Fantastic Fest would be a treat. To get their first hand interpretations on what certain things meant would be priceless.

Overall though I really enjoyed 'If I Had Legs I'd Kick You'. It was unique and it gives you a lot to think about. Throw in some great performances and you have a pretty engrossing couple of hours. 7/10.