90210 Shark Attack

The DVD cover for 90210 Shark Attack is pretty cool, but that's the only compliment that I can give to this movie.

A group of college students rooms in a posh Beverly Hills mansion while they're going to be studying oceanography. One of the students fathers owns the mansion where they are staying. You've got all the typical stereotypes that are common to these kinds of films.

One of the students boasts a very bizarre secret. She is the daughter of a well known oceanographer who has disappeared and is presumed to be dead. There's the nerdy type of teacher's pet, whose in love with her. There's the typical snotty jock type too! 90210 Shark Attack is a Syfy channel level of movie. The DVD boasts being an unrated director's cut. There's nothing in this to be "unrated". I would advise that you pass on 90210 Shark Attack. I can't recommend anything about it.

So if you want to see a shark film where there is no actual ocean, and a bad CGI shark just goes round eating people leaping out of one of the charscters. Then the film just suddenly ends. This is a film for you. Get drunk, watch with friends.

It's almost like the people making the film didn't know how to end it, so they just didn't bother. Or the ran out of money, because it even has a very short run time of 76 minutes.

I think it's even more hilarious that they're meant to be oceanography students, who you don't actually see go to the sea. Like that happens off screen. Like they didn't even need to be for this film to happen.

This movie essentially begins with six college students arriving at a summer house on the beach in preparation for a field trip involving marine anthropology. The class is led by a teacher named "Pamela" (Donna Wilkes) who has her hands full trying to keep all of the students in line. For starters, two students by the names of "Bryce" (Braden Bacha) and "Marcie" (Nikki BreAnne Wells) can't seem to keep their hands off of each other or their libidos in check for any length of time. On the other hand, Pamela has a secret sexual affair with one of the other students while at the same time a totally different interest in another student by the name of "Alyssa" (Stephanie Shemanski). But Pamela isn't the only one harboring a secret. Now rather than reveal any more of this movie I will just say that this has to be one of the worst films I have seen in quite a while. The acting was bad but admittedly it was made even worse by the extremely weak script and poor direction which kept showing similar scenes repeatedly. For example, for some odd reason the director (David DeCoteau) seemed extremely focused and devoted to the semi-nude physique of one of the male actors to the exclusion of the two sexy actresses on-hand and available (Nikki BreAnne Wells and Stephanie Shemanski). Very odd indeed. But regardless of that fact, he definitely needed to spend more time on the script and acting as both were clearly in need of considerable improvement. In any case, this movie is really, really bad and other than the presence of the two actresses I just mentioned I don't see any reason to recommend it to anybody.

"90210 Shark Attack" sets new standards - not in the shark genre, but in sheer awfulness. Imagine Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" with sharks.

The mind-numbingly stupid dialogue, delivered with the emotional depth of plywood, leaves you speechless. The brilliant decision to film actors walking entire paths in real time (no cuts, no added value) is pure trash art.

And let's not forget the endless repetition of the same "spotlight-on-location" shots - wow. In a film that takes place entirely in one location - a house in Beverly Hills. The title might have already given away where the hell we're supposed to be.

The randomly inserted shark scenes, the CGI morphing effects, and the titular shark attacks are nothing short of an assault on anyone with eyes.

Rating:-300/10. Would never watch again, even if hell froze over.

Are there naked girls in this movie? No.

Are there girls in bikinis in this movie? No.

Are there fun kills in this movie? No.

Is there a shark in this movie? No.

Is the acting good? No.

Is the writing good? No.

There's simply nothing worthwhile about this movie, unless you enjoy topless men. If you do, you might at least enjoy a shower scene. There's a fair amount of beefcake for you to enjoy.

Outside of that, there is absolutely nothing to recommend this movie.

1/10.

Here's forty-ish characters of filler..

Scale: 1-3: Don't waste your time.

4-6: Good.

7-9: Great.

10: Outstanding.