- Tom Snyder: Mr. Kenney, it's a fine line between being clever and offensive, isn't it?
- Douglas Kenney: Look, if I could just say something in defense of National Lampoon for one moment...
- Tom Snyder: Please.
- Douglas Kenney: We come from a tradition of truth-tellers. A long time ago, there was someone else society found offensive. They thought that what he did was radical - dangerous. They persecuted him... and eventually killed him. Of course, I'm referring to Dracula.
- Kathryn Walker: [after seeing Airplane!] Surely you're not upset because someone else made a funny movie.
- Douglas Kenney: Don't you get it? That's the movie that everyone's gonna love, not fucking Caddyshack. I've been replaced. What the fuck am I gonna do now?
- Kathryn Walker: You're supposed to say, "Don't call me Shirley."
- Douglas Kenney: Between the magazine and the radio show, I barely had time for my other hobbies, like being a terrible husband.
- Douglas Kenney: But two slices of bread, some meat, a condiment or two? That's something we can all agree on, right Jim?
- Time-Life Publisher: I'm Frank.
- Douglas Kenney: Let's all be frank.
- Douglas Kenney: Fuck those guys, you know? They're just like my dad. They jerk off to Eisenhower biographies.
- Henry Beard: Yes, but, and this is what I love about them, they have money.