- Theatre Director: Let's do, uh, "Rain."
- Director's Assistant: Uh, we can't.
- Theatre Director: Why?
- Director's Assistant: I forgot to tell you, uh...
- Theatre Director: What?
- Director's Assistant: Lionel called in sick...
- Theatre Director: Yes?
- Director's Assistant: Appendicitis.
- Theatre Director: *Appendicitis*? What are you *doing* to me? He'll miss the opening! This is the most important number in the show!
- Director's Assistant: Can't someone else sing it?
- Self - Guitar Player: [indicates drummer] What about Bill here? He's got a good voice.
- Theatre Director: [to assistant] Who is this?
- [assistant makes "I don't know" gesture]
- Self - Guitar Player: He used to be the drummer in a really good band and when the singer left, he took over.
- Theatre Director: [to assistant] Let me ask you a question. How good could he be if he's back playing drums again?
- [after Bill attempts a line from the script]
- Theatre Director: Terrible! I thought you said you could act!
- Phil Collins: 'ey, I never said I could act, *he* said I could *sing*!