- Angelo: She, uh, didn't get her ass beaten by a nun every five minutes?
- Tony: Angelo, you used to get whipped so much by Sister Vivian, I got to thinking you actually liked it a little bit.
- Angelo: Hey, to tell you the truth, I used to think I could give her a heart attack. Seriously. I thought she'd swing that paddle one too many times, boom, her heart would just pop right out of her chest. But then, later on, I used to think, like, maybe it was a workout for her, you know, like the more that she beat me, the better shape she was getting in, so I was kind of helping her out. It was the Christian thing to do.
- Tony: Christmas is this blank canvas, and everybody uses it to work out their feelings of family and hope and nostalgia.
- Johnny: All right, Carmine, you gonna do the baccala balls?
- Uncle Carmine: Ah! Baccala's a fish... don't have balls.
- Juke: Angelo, your wit is exceeded in size only by your penis. And, even then, only just. It's okay that you don't know what that means.
- Vince: Hey, Uncle Frankie, when are you gonna teach me how to make money on the parlays?
- Uncle Frankie: Uh, never. What are you, crazy? Save your money. I can't teach you. I-It's something you're born with. You bet the Steelers last week, right?
- Vince: Yeah, sure.
- Uncle Frankie: Only an idiot makes that kind of bet!
- Uncle Carmine: I bet the Steelers.
- Uncle Frankie: Which proves my point. Your problem is, is you're betting with your heart, not your head.
- Vince: Yeah, but they're my team. Plus they played Browns. I can't...
- Uncle Carmine: Can't bet on the Browns.
- Uncle Frankie: [to Vince] Then, you don't make the bet! You're an idiot. It's not your fault, you take after Uncle Carmine's side of the gene pool.
- Uncle Carmine: But that gene pool also comes with a good head of hair.
- Angelo: The fat guy sneaks into your house and gives your kids presents. You want understated? No! It's red, it's green, and a little bit of white, or it's not Christmas.
- Tony: Don't get me wrong. I'll always love the Stones, and I'll love Springsteen, but I'm just saying, some of the stuff I used to listen to, now I don't know. I don't know how I ever did, like Boston.
- Angelo: Like Boston, what? Tony, don't get me started.
- Tony: Like Boston. I can't listen to 'em anymore.
- Angelo: Blasphemy!
- Tony: All right, well, hold on, 'cause it gets a lot worse. I can't listen to Rush any more, either, or Triumph.
- Angelo: You're gonna go to Hell. You're going straight to Hell.
- Tony: All right. There'll be good music, at least.
- Tony: Hey, Grandma.
- Marian Oliverio: Hey.
- [cheek kiss]
- Tony: How you doing?
- Marian Oliverio: Want something to eat?
- Tony: No, I'm okay, I really gotta get back to work.
- Marian Oliverio: Alright, I'll make you something.