- Jim: Hey. What are you doing?
- Alice: I'm breaking up with you.
- Jim: Shit, why? Oh, what did I do now?
- Alice: It's not what you did, it's that... you don't do anything!
- Jim: What's that supposed to mean?
- Alice: I don't want to get into it, Jim.
- Jim: Alice, wait, wait a minute, we can talk about this Look, be direct. I can handle it.
- Alice: You're irresponsible. Lazy with no professional prospects. You have no ambition whatsoever. All you do is smoke weed and play video games and watch movies and read comic books. You've no money. You have no sense of responsibility, no sense of style, and quite frankly, our sex life sucks!
- Jim: Alice, please, I asked you to be specific.
- Alice: You're 33 years old. Grow the fuck up. It's like... it's like you've given up on you! On us! I mean, when was the last time we went out for a nice dinner? And going to Arby's doesn't count!
- Jim: Well, it's not my fault they have the best coupons! Plus, we go out all the time!
- Alice: Name one instance in the past six months.
- Jim: There was that place with the Carpaccio. You had a whole bottle of wine. That was romantic.
- Alice: It was. It was romantic. It was also three years ago.
- Jim: Oh shit, really? Man. Time flies when you're in a relationship, doesn't it?
- Alice: Like a prison sentence.
- The Hitwoman: Open the door!
- Bodyguard: Whoa, whoa, whoa, weapons check, ladies.
- The Hitwoman: Ohh... are you gonna take my pistol out, pretty boy?
- Bodyguard: [to Sam] You too, cutie.
- Sam: [Sam shows the bodyguard the pistol tucked into her pants but as soon as he reaches for it, she grabs his wrist and twists it behind him, making him groan.] Cutie this, motherfucker!
- The Hitwoman: [Pulls out both of her guns and points them at the other 2 bodyguards] Hey! Let's keep it professional! It's just a couple of broken fingers. I'm sure he can still jerk off with the other hand. It might even feel better. You know, like a stranger.
- Alice: [to Jim as she's listing one of the many reasons for breaking up with him and kicking him out of her house] I'm the one who still has a three-digit credit score, remember?
- The Hitwoman: [Several hours later looking at Jim's credit score] Who the fuck gets an 86 credit score? What a fucking loser.
- Chad: Busted! Late again! Look at this fucking place! How can you work here? How many sales did you get last month?
- Jim: Uh, I don't have my numbers with me.
- [Chad gets up, slaps his hands together, and forms zeroes with his digits]
- Jim: You know, with the state of the economy and everything.
- Chad: Yeah, that was the excuse in 2009 and thanks Nobama.
- [Grabs Jim's copy of Predator]
- Chad: Come on, get into my helicopter!
- Jim: Chopper.
- Chad: What?
- Jim: He says "chopper", not helicopter.
- Chad: Whatever, this movie sucks. Anyway, I have some bad news and some bad news.
- Jim: Well, isn't that supposed to be good news and bad news?
- Chad: Absolutely not.
- [Looks at Jim's picture of his girlfriend Alice]
- Chad: I honestly have no idea how you were able to wrangle this one up. Luck of the Irish, huh?
- Jim: I mean, I think...
- Chad: Hey, there's no easy way to say this so I guess I'll just say it. You've been canned and you'll need to clear out your things in the next ten minutes. You might wanna hurry up 'cause security will be here to escort you off the premises. Actually, I told security to be here on ten minutes and... yeah, that was about ten minutes ago.
- Jim: That's not enough...
- Chad: [Looks past Jim at the door opening] Gentlemen, just in time! There you go, Jimmy boy.
- Jim: [Cut to Jim being kicked out the door] Hey, is that necessary?
- [His framed picture of Alice is thrown out and breaks]
- Mrs. Alcorta: [to the Hit Woman and Sam] Took you long enough. Coffee, beer, wine, migas?
- The Hitwoman: No, thank you. I had "mee-kus" for lunch.
- Mrs. Alcorta: Migas!
- The Hitwoman: Right. How can we help you?
- Mrs. Alcorta: Straight to business. I can respect that.
- [Snaps her fingers and her associate picks up a laptop, which he gives to the Hitwoman]
- Mrs. Alcorta: Do you know who that is?
- The Hitwoman: I do. Your competition.
- Mrs. Alcorta: Well, it just so happens to be that my favorite game is Monopoly. So, that's where you come in. I cannot have this traced back to us, and it needs to happen tonight.
- The Hitwoman: Understood.
- Sam: How do we do that?
- Mrs. Alcorta: Cute. A little bird told us he's got a Senorita in town. He likes to frequent her every other week. In fact, she likes to try and see him when her man's not there. And it just so happens to be, he's coming to see her tonight.
- The Hitwoman: Of course. We'll take care of it. And he will not pass go, and he will not collect $200.
- Mrs. Alcorta: Good.
- [Gets up and walks over to the Hitwoman, sitting directly in front of her]
- Mrs. Alcorta: Let's not repeat what happened last time. You don't get three strikes in this house, understood?
- The Hitwoman: I under- I understand. It won't happen again. And, uh, thank you... for the free parking.
- Mrs. Alcorta: I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
- Bodyguard: Hey, I see you didn't slow down? Where's your partner?
- Sam: Um, she's - she's checking out another lead. I'm just gonna park up here.
- Bodyguard: Whoa. What's back there?
- Sam: Gym clothes.
- Bodyguard: What?
- Sam: Fuck it.
- [Slams his head into the door, knocking him out cold, and turns to Jim, hiding in the backseat.]
- Sam: Call me, Sam.
- Jim: Nice to meet you, Sam.
- The Hitwoman: [after Jim reveals he was wearing a bulletproof shield, a tactic used by Clint Eastwood and Marty McFly] So fucking what? I still have 8 bullets. But it doesn't matter. 'Cause I'm gonna kill you with my hands. I'm gonna crush your head like that spic from Game of Thrones.
- Jim: His name is Oberyn. And he's from Dorne, you fuck!
- [Pulls a string]
- Jim: Now!
- [Gate opens and Sam appears, pointing her shotgun at the Hitwoman]
- Sam: Game over.
- [Cocks the shotgun and the Hitwoman smiles weakly as she faces down her impending doom]
- Sam: Bitch!
- [Fires the shotgun and kills the Hitwoman]
- Jim: Hey! If I took your parking spot, I can move! No need to get physical! Gee, wait, are you guys with the student loans department? God, I need a payment plan. I was just fired.
- [His cell phone rings.]
- The Hitwoman: Put his phone on silent.
- [Sam pulls out Jim's phone, throws it on the ground, and smashed it with her heel.]
- Jim: Oh come on! Is that necessary? I just finished paying for that!
- The Hitwoman: See? He's perfect. Total fucking pussy.
- Jim: Hey, man, that's...
- [the Hitwoman shows Jim her gun.]
- Jim: Shit! Yeah, I'm a pussy! I should wear panties on my face, I'm such a huge pussy.
- Sam: This is a terrible idea. I mean, look at him. He's on the verge of pissing himself.
- The Hitwoman: No, it's a great idea. No one will ever suspect him and it'll never come back to us!
- Jim: Come back to who? What are you guys talking...
- The Hitwoman: Shut the fuck up!
- Jim: Wait, oh, is this a prank? Willy? Willy and the guys put you up to this, didn't they?
- The Hitwoman: Aw, Silly Willy.
- [Head butts Jim]
- Jim: Oh! Uh!
- The Hitwoman: Let me ask you something. Does this look like a fucking prank?
- Sam: My partner...
- [the Hitwoman gives Sam a stern look.]
- Sam: We need you to kill someone.
- Jim: What? How is this not a joke? I mean, if Willy's behind this, it is masterful. Shyamalan, take notes.
- The Hitwoman: Yeah, I guess I'm not making myself fucking clear. We need you to take this gun and kill someone with it.
- Jim: I can't kill anyone. I've never even been in a fight.
- The Hitwoman: Oh, baby doll. It's time to learn how to suck your own dick.
- Jim: I have to go to the bathroom.
- Sam: Not now, just hold it.
- Jim: Well... why do you guys want him dead?
- Sam: [sighs] Turf war, bosses don't like the competition.
- Jim: Why don't you just hire a professional and do it, like Jean Reno in "Mathilda"?
- Sam: Mathilda was a child.
- Jim: Well, yeah, I'm not saying you're that literal character. I'm, I'm sure you're of age.
- Sam: Really? No doubt at all about that?
- Jim: That's not what I meant.
- Sam: We can't let this get back to us. My partner thinks having the angry ex-boyfriend take the fall is the only way.
- Jim: Why would you leave me alive afterwards?
- Sam: Would you rather go to prison or be dead?
- Jim: Good, good point.
- The Hitwoman: [Over radio] What are you, changing his tampon?
- Jim: We go places. Don't be so dramatic.
- Alice: Oh, fuck you, Jim! A "Star Trek" convention filled with cosplay virgins dresses as Jawas isn't exactly a vacation for me!
- Jim: They were Klingons.
- Alice: What?
- Jim: Klingons! Jawas are from "Star Wars". You're mixing universes. But that would be a sick crossover, though. If Klingons crash landed on Tatooine and they thought Jawas were the enemy. But the had to team up with them in order to resist the Empire.
- Alice: Whenever you talk like that, I can actually feel my ovaries shrinking.
- [Paul opens a bottle and takes a swig.]
- Jim: Hey, calm down, dude.
- Paul: Calm down? Jesus Christ, man! I'm losing my high, and I'm realizing that we almost got fucking killed! What the fuck was that? How do they know you were at Amy's house?
- Jim: I don't know. They must have a tracking device on me or something. Shit!
- Paul: What? I was kidding! You think they really do? And they run to my store? What the fuck, man! Why don't you fuck up your own life instead of fucking up everybody else's around you? Maybe Alice was right, man. Maybe you are the problem.
- Jim: Hey, don't bring her into this.
- Paul: Why not? No, no, I'm serious. How the fuck does all this happen to somebody in one day? You lose your job. Your female leaves you. And now you have Mrs. and Mrs. Smith chasing you around 'til they fucking kill you? What the fuck, man, what's next?
- Jim: I don't know!
- Paul: Worst of all, man, you bring me into it. All I wanted to do is get my Nicki Minaji twang on. Smoke a little weed. Is that so much to ask for?
- Jim: Dude, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to bring you into this. Uh, I didn't know what to do and... and you and my mom are the only ones who haven't betrayed or hurt me in some way today. I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing, man. I mean, all these years of playing video games and watching movies, and I can't fucking outsmart these guys.
- Paul: That's because this is not a fucking movie, man! Get your head out of La La Land! And if you give me some sort of pun or smartass comment about the movie, man, I'm gonna fucking lose it.
- Jim: I won't. Dude, I'm a fuckup. I mean, I've been on autopilot for fucking years. I mean, I lied to my mom about my professional life. I haven't worked on my relationship and drove Alice into the arms of some fucking drug lord. And I have relied on you way too much. You started this business and gone up in the world. I mean, I'm fucking done with it. I promise, I'm going to get us out of this alive. And then I'm gonna get my life together. Like, I'm gonna be less of a slacker. I'm gonna be more hard-working. We should start that, um, that video rental shop we were talking about.
- Paul: We talked about that back in 1995, man!
- [after the end credits have rolled, the Telemarketer is still desperately trying to get a hold of Jim whose phone was smashed earlier]
- Jim: [Beep] Hey, this is Jim. If you have a message of hope, leave it on my Droid.
- [Beep]
- Telemarketer: Hey, Jim, I'm calling, this is your final notice. And also, uh, it's my final notice if you don't make this payment 'cause I went out on a limb and I vouched for you so, um... please call me back before things just get worse.
- [Disconnect, beep]
- Telemarketer: Hey, Jim, Jerry Spears. Well, things are getting worse over here. I am being told that tomorrow's gonna be my last day if you don't make a payment, Jim. I mean, uh, all I have to turn to at this point is the Heaven's Gate, uh... I've been following those guys for a while now. It's not looking good for me over here. But, please call, Jim.
- [Disconnect, beep]
- Telemarketer: Hey, Jim, Jerry Spears! I still haven't heard from you so I'm assuming that your car has flipped over into a ravine and you're probably drowning in some shallow water right now. And I wanna say that upsets me because I don't feel betrayed at all. That's what I wanna say, uh... all right, hope to hear from you.
- [Disconnect, beep]
- Telemarketer: Hey Jim, Jerry Spears, Series Home Electronic. I don't know how to illustrate this. You ever hear your dad say, "Boy, you're gonna drive me to drinking?" You're gonna drive me to drinking cyanide, Jim. I mean, ugh!
- [sigh]
- Telemarketer: Call me back.
- [Disconnect, beep]
- Telemarketer: Hey Jim, Jerry Spears, Series Home Electronic! Uh, Series Home Electronic and great news! I got my boss to just clean the slate. He said, "You know what? That Jim seems like a good guy. Let's just clean the slate for him, except for the money he owes us." So, we're not gonna take any of it personally that you haven't called us back. Or that you picked up and then hung up on me, uh... so, hey, that's good for us, buddy, call me back!
- [Disconnect, beep]
- Telemarketer: Hey Jim, Jerry Spears, Series Home Electronic. I just thought that maybe if I called you and told you this story. I mean, when I went back to get your credit approval, my boss, Mr. Harris said, you know, don't give it to that shit-stain. He called you a shit-stain in private, Jim. And I said, "No, Jim's not a shit-stain." Jim's not a total piece of shit. Jim's not the kind of guy who would tell you a bunch of stuff and then fuck you over big time. And then not even, like, sociopathically, not even care.
- [Disconnect, beep]
- Telemarketer: Well, Jim, uh, this is Jerry Spears. Just wanted to call and let you know that, uh... Charles is gonna be taking over your account. 'Cause I have been fired! Yeah! This is my last phone call. My one phone call. I was getting fired. They said you get one phone call. I said, "I know who I'm gonna call. I'm gonna call that guy, Jim." You know, the one that I thought we were kinda buds with? Yeah. And then he decided to screw me over big time. I know, hey! I know! You know what, Sandra? Just shut the fuck up, okay? I'll leave when I wanna leave. I'm making one phone call. Can I just have peace for one... you know, Jim... you have turned my world upside down.
- [Disconnect, dial tone]