- Mr. Plinkett: A comedy of errors is what they call it, kids. A series of errors and mistakes though is not to be confused with a series of obstacles. When the Millennium Falcon encounters an asteroid belt, it's an obstacle... it's not 'cause Han Solo is stupid. When Finn and Rose park their ship on a beach, when there's probably some kind of spaceship parking lot that everyone uses, it's because they're stupid.
- Mr. Plinkett: [about Rian Johnson] He used to mow my fucking lawn. One day he added fertilizer to my overgrown grass and made it worse. He told me he was subverting my expectations... I told him to go fuck himself!
- Mr. Plinkett: The military tactics in this movie make about as much sense as me buying condoms. Number one, my wife is dead. Number two, I can no longer get an erection. And number three, my cat ripped off my penis in 1969! Here's the real audio... I was recording my reaction to the first moon landing at the time. Hey kitty kat, look...
- [cat meows menacingly]
- Mr. Plinkett: look... this is amazing...
- [cat growls]
- Mr. Plinkett: a man on the moon... live on television... could you believe it kitty...
- [more growls]
- Mr. Plinkett: could you-
- [cat yowls louder, Plinkett screams]
- Mr. Plinkett: ...and most importantly, what will be the future of this new Kylo and Rey alliance? Romance? A new Chaotic Neutral Jedi-Sith breed? So many new things, so many new ideas! Oh...
- Kylo Ren: Blow that piece of junk OUT OF THE SKY!
- Mr. Plinkett: I guess he is still bad.
- Mr. Plinkett: How embarrassing... and I thought getting kicked out of the Portly Gentlemen was embarrassing! I kept splitting too many pants in the dressing room-
- [splitting sound]
- Mr. Plinkett: Oh no!
- Real Rian Johnson: [excerpt from an interview] Some day this war is gonna end. Not the Star Wars... that will never end. That will keep going forever.
- Mr. Plinkett: Keep going forever? What the fuck... son, you may have single-handedly ended it!
- Mr. Plinkett: [about Rian Johnson] He didn't want to give the audience what it wanted, what it craved. And what it craved was the familiar, the heroic, the adventure. He was kinda like a schoolteacher that was rewarding us with "movie day"... but instead of showing something fun, he showed something "fun but educational too".
- Mr. Plinkett: Anyway, speaking of famously shitting your pants in front of the whole world... number one, Rian Johnson and how it all happened!
- Mr. Plinkett: Number two: the worst screenplay ever... is probably "It's Pat"... or maybe "Jack and Jill"... or possibly "The Mummy". There's a lot of contenders but it's certainly not The Last Jedi.
- Ram Bergman: [from interview] Rian delivered a great script... very ambitious, with lots of surprises.
- Mr. Plinkett: It has its moments and yes, I'm going to be totally fair here... it feels like it was written by a high school student but, like, a pretty smart high school student, one who thought about the script really really hard at home before going to bed at night.
- Mr. Plinkett: [wondering why the First Order focuses on destroying the enemy base rather than the escaping fleet] Plus maybe down on that base they left some stuff about other rebels, or other locations, fleet strength, crew dossiers, important belongings, data chips with informations on them... stuff they really couldn't get in a hurry. You know, I think in military terms they call that "intelligence"... but clearly the script is missing that.