- Judge Thaddeus Parks: How are all your loonies, Aaron?
- Dr. Aaron Sylvester: [Dryly] Oh, they're still crazy, or at least I hope so.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Now you're trying to bully me. What about that grade A milk of human kindness?
- Emory Muir: Well, it has been known to sour.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: You're kind, aren't you?
- Emory Muir: Oh, sure. I'm top bottle, grade A milk of human kindness.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Please take me with you. I was listening. It sounds like a heavenly place. And you could catch butterflies all day long...
- Emory Muir: Birds. Birds! I'm an amateur ornithologist.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Oh, well, then you could ornithologize all day long and I could catch butterflies.
- Emory Muir: Why? When there are 37 million other young men in this country, you insist on picking me out?
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Well, because I don't know who else I could get.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Do you know who I am?
- Emory Muir: Eh, somebody Colfax or something.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: I am Carol Corliss.
- Emory Muir: Carol Corliss...
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: So, you don't believe I'm Carol Corliss?
- Emory Muir: Certainly. I'd believe you were Charlie Chaplin if you wanted me to.
- Parson Calverton Lunk: I now pronounce you man and wife.
- Emory Muir: Well, legally, you're Mrs. Emory Muir.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: How does it feel being Mr. Carol Corliss?
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: You've got the meanest look I've ever seen in a human eye.
- Emory Muir: Any yellow in it?
- Dr. Aaron Sylvester: Now, out of the blue, she's going away on a harum scarum trip with your nephew.
- Judge Thaddeus Parks: Young man, who are you?
- Jay Holmes: What? Who am I? Don't you ever go to the movies?
- Judge Thaddeus Parks: Frequently.
- Jay Holmes: Well? I'm Jay Holmes. I've co-starred in every picture that Carol Corliss has ever made.
- Judge Thaddeus Parks: Oh, yes. Sorry. Well, you see, when I see a Carol Corliss picture, I never see anybody but her. She's very charming.
- Jay Holmes: Charming enough. But, not a very good actress.
- Judge Thaddeus Parks: Oh, not a very good actress?
- Jay Holmes: No. Just a pretty little thing, that's all.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: I suppose you're the kind of person who pretends he doesn't like moving pictures.
- Emory Muir: Well, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.
- Emory Muir: To me, movie stars are just so many mechanical dolls. But, you give me a Mickey Mouse, and you can take your Carol and all the rest of the tootsie wootsies.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: [disguised as Clara Colfax] I think Carol Corliss is very beautiful and very talented.
- Emory Muir: She's probably a little squirt!
- Emory Muir: Do you think you can undress yourself?
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: I'm quite precocious, thank you. I can do it myself.
- Emory Muir: Did you ever have your pretty face slapped?
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Oh, so you think it's pretty!
- Emory Muir: Now, listen, it's obvious that if you were she, you wouldn't be here; because, she's there.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: I made A+ in domestic science all through college! And I won every cooking prize at summer camp.
- Emory Muir: Did you get any medals for washing dishes? Of do you want some skill to help?
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: I wouldn't let you near a dish of mine. Not if you begged me on your knees.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: [singing] I got a new lease on life now, No wrinkles upon my brow, I'm relaxin' and restin', believe me when I say, I eat my spinach ev'ry day. I used to think that I was losin' my grip, Both my shoulders carried a chip, But now I'm stronger than a battleship, I'm Popeye the Sailor girl. I got a new lease on life, so, I've got that familiar glow
- [sticks her tongue out]
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: I'm delighted, excited, at last my mind at peace, I've got a brand new lease on life.
- Jay Holmes: You needn't try your bad acting on me.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Bad acting? Bad acting? So, I'm a bad actress, am I?
- Jay Holmes: For the first time in your life, you're right.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Stop. Stop!
- Jay Holmes: But, Carol, control yourself!
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Oh, you horrible Mephistopheles! Oh, A-B-C-D-F! Oh, A-B-C-D-F! Oh, you brute! You beast. You beast!
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Will you tell this pugilist that I am Carol Corliss.
- Jay Holmes: Why, of course, she is.
- Emory Muir: Oh and I suppose if she's Carol Corliss, you're Jay Holmes.
- Jay Holmes: Well, of course I am.
- Emory Muir: Well, you're both screwy.
- Emory Muir: I'm a nerve doctor. A psychiatrist. Do you know anything about psychiatry?
- Jay Holmes: [shakes head no] Except that it's expensive.
- Emory Muir: Now, we know that Miss Corliss is in a...
- Jay Holmes: Emotionally unstable state. I know.
- Emory Muir: How did you know?
- Jay Holmes: She always is.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: [singing] My heart is not a plaything, Parting is not a gay thing, Darling, don't mention love to me...
- Theater Manager: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a surprise! A super, colossal surprise. A visitor, known and loved the world over. None other than the Sweetheart of the Universe. The star of tonight's photoplay. Miss Carol Corliss!
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Thank you, ever so much. And thank you for your very flattering introduction. It makes me feel very important, even though I'm - not. I want you to know how very happy I am to be here in Blue Water and meet you face to face. It's a lovely little city and - and a beautiful theater!
- [Theater Manager leads the audience into uproarious applause]
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Why you scrub! Why did you keep pretending?
- Emory Muir: Ah, I was afraid you might leave.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: And you didn't want me to?
- Emory Muir: Not particularly. - I would have had to do all the work.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Oh, it's a great thrill being a moving picture star!
- Emory Muir: The great American myth!
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: I like being a myth.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: What are you so snappish about?
- Emory Muir: Snappish? Huh! Miss Carol Corliss makes a personal appearance. She laughs gaily to the crowd. She waves to the crowd. Everything she does is to the crowd! All her emotions belong to the crowd!
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: But, Emory, that's my business.
- Emory Muir: Business - baloney! You're public property!
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Well, I am in a way.
- Sheriff Twing: She don't aim to marry him no more, Calverton.
- Parson Calverton Lunk: She's done changed her mind again, Twing.
- Sheriff Twing: Women folks do, Calverton.
- Studio Representative: How do you get to Judge Park's place?
- Mountain Man: Keep turnin' to the left. And if you make the right turns to the left, you outta be all right.
- Studio Representative: Right!
- Emory Muir: What a spot to be in.
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: Well, don't think I'm enjoying it.
- Jay Holmes: Well, if you both showed a little horse sense, this wouldn't have happened.
- Emory Muir: Don't be an ass!
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: [singing] Serious wooing, Would be my undoing, Meet me and then forget me, I'll find a steady, But till I'm ready, Let the parade go by, Out of sight, Out of mind, My emotion hasn't been confined, There's not a person I've met, That I couldn't forget, I guess I'm just a love and leave 'em kind, Out of sight, And out of mind...
- Carol Corliss, aka Clara Colfax: [singing] Out of sight, Out of mind, Its the safest way to live I find, Although I'm willing to flirt, I don't wanna be hurt...