- Operator 15: You know I quit my job at that bakery.
- Miss Judith Buttz: Why?
- Operator 15: Oh, I got sick of the dough and thought I'd go on the loaf.
- [sound of Moe slapping Curly]
- Operator 15: Oh!
- Operator 14: What did you'll say the name of this cake was?
- Miss Judith Buttz: Southern Comfort.
- Operator 14: Yes, ma'am. Uh, tastes like Southern Comforter.
- Operator 14: [eating the cake that contains an oven mitt] How's yours taste?
- Operator 15: Like a mattress.
- Operator 14: Want mine?
- Operator 15: I'm stuffed now.
- [Curly has accidentally burned a piece of paper containing information about the Confederacy's movements]
- Operator 14: Do you know what that paper was?
- Operator 15: Hot?
- [Moe slaps Curly]
- Operator 15: Oh, my baby! What have they done with my child?
- Colonel Buttz: But, Mrs. Dodge, I, uh, I, we...
- Operator 14: There, there. Don't worry Dixie-Lou, I'll get him.
- Major 'Bloodhound' Filbert: Him?
- Operator 14: Her.
- Major 'Bloodhound' Filbert: Her?
- Operator 14: IT!
- Union General: What happened to Operator 13?
- Operator 15: He swam across the river and died of Potomac poisoning. Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk...
- Operator 15: Do you think they'll ever find him?
- Operator 14: [arrives with a bundle] Here, honey.
- Operator 15: [shudders] Where did you find it?
- Operator 14: He was walking down by the railroad.
- Major 'Bloodhound' Filbert: Alone?
- Operator 14: No, I was with her.
- Operator 14: By the way, Colonel, I think we ought to have about 75,000 men down here.
- Colonel Buttz: Oh, don't make me laugh. We've only got 19,000! Ha ha ha, oh yeah! Ha ha ha ha!
- [Operator 14 writes on a piece of paper: "19,000 men."]
- Operator 12: But I reckon we ought to have about 350 heavy pieces of artillery, don't you think?
- Colonel Buttz: Ah, that's where we've fooled 'em! We've only got 18 pieces!
- [Operator 14 writes on a piece of paper: "18 big guns."]
- Operator 12: Operator 12: 18 pieces? A mere handful!
- [everyone raises their glasses in toast]
- Colonel Buttz: Here's to the success of our cause!
- Operator 14: And here's to the success of OUR cause!
- Operator 15: [as Mrs. Dodge] I'm a victim of circumstance. I'm going to faint.
- Colonel Buttz: Oh, she has fainted. Get her a glass of water.
- Operator 15: No, whiskey!
- Operator 14: [hearing Curly "whoo-whooing"] What's the matter? What happened?
- Operator 15: I was lost! All by myself!
- Operator 14: Let me see your hand.
- Operator 15: [he holds out his hand, and Moe slaps him] Ow!
- Operator 15: I used to work in a bakery as a pilot.
- Miss Judith Buttz: A pilot?
- Operator 15: Yeah, I used to take the bread from one corner and pilot in the other, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk...
- Colonel Buttz: Major Filbert's here because there have been Northern spies in our Southern ranks. The major suspects everybody; he's known as "Bloodhound" Filbert, and he can smell a spy a mile away.
- Operator 15: [whispers to Moe] I'm glad he can't smell 'em any closer.
- Major 'Bloodhound' Filbert: [Moe hits Curly in the chest and on his forehead] Pardon me, I didn't quite get the name.
- Operator 12: This here's Captain Dodge of the Horse Marine.
- Major 'Bloodhound' Filbert: Well, I've got quite a pleasant surprise for you, Captain.
- Operator 14: What is it, Major?
- Major 'Bloodhound' Filbert: Why, they told me that your father came in this afternoon.
- Operator 14: My father?
- Major 'Bloodhound' Filbert: Yes.
- Operator 14: Boys, Dad's here.
- Operator 12: Hm.
- Operator 14: Is he still as tall as ever?
- Major 'Bloodhound' Filbert: No, he's rather short.
- Operator 14: Well, he can't borrow any money from me, sir.
- [laughs]
- Operator 12: Oh, excuse me, gentlemen, I've gotta take care of a week back.
- Major 'Bloodhound' Filbert: Pardon me: how long have you had a weak back?
- Operator 12: Oh, about a week back.
- Confederate Sentry: Halt! Advance, and give the countersign!
- Operator 12, Operator 14, Operator 15: Cumberland!
- Confederate Sentry: That's only for the first line!
- Operator 14: So it is.
- Operator 12: Charlie gives it for the second line.
- Confederate Sentry: Charlie?
- Operator 15: Sure, everybody knows "Good Time" Charlie, he walks like this...
- [Moe, Larry and Curly start to march, then they walk past the guard and ran away]
- Confederate Sentry: [tries to pull his bayonet from the fence post] Hey, wait!
- Soldier: Halt! Advance and give the countersign!
- Operator 12: Cumberland, and Charlie walks like this!
- Soldier: Halt!
- Operator 14: What seems to be the trouble here?
- Soldier: Well, he doesn't know the countersign!
- Operator 15: He's not supposed to, I reckon. Do you know who this is?
- Soldier: No. Who is he?
- Operator 15: Why... tell him, Captain.
- Operator 14: Why, yes! Um... he's a gentleman of the South!
- Operator 12, Operator 14, Operator 15: Of the South! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
- Operator 14: Never mind, I'll take care of him.
- Charlie: Hey! You-all looking for me?
- Operator 14: Why, no. Who are you, stranger?
- Charlie: I'm Charlie; you know, the fella walks like this.
- [Charlie starts walking]
- Operator 15: No, you're the wrong Charlie. The Charlie we're looking for walks like this-a.
- [Moe, Larry and Curly start to walk away, and then they run away]
- Operator 15: I got a better one for the Colonel.
- Colonel Buttz: What is it, Major?
- Operator 15: Three men and three beds, only had two blankets. How did they keep warm?
- Colonel Buttz: I don't know. How did they, Major?
- Operator 15: They turned on the heat, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk...
- Colonel Buttz: Let's forget business, gentlemen, and, uh... freshen up our juleps.
- Operator 15: Sure, the Colonel is right! Let's have a nip and tuck!
- Colonel Buttz: What's that, Major?
- Operator 15: One nip, and they tuck you away for the night! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk...