- Michael MacCreigh: Ah, Miss Mannerly, you're looking like a goddess.
- Miss Mannerly, Hutchinson's Secretary: You told me that yesterday.
- Michael MacCreigh: Oh, that was an ordinary goddess. This time it's a Greek goddess.
- Michael MacCreigh: I've seen some of the plays he's backed. They don't hold a candle to this one.
- Miss Mannerly, Hutchinson's Secretary: Maybe you'd better hold a candle to it.
- Michael MacCreigh: [as he leaves, takes his hat off and bows to Miss Mannerlay] May all your children be office boys.
- Man at Hutchinson's Meeting: How do you find the market?
- Stephen Dody: Oh, uh, my wife does all the shopping.
- A.W. Hutchinson: Now, gentlemen, I haven't done anything like this in years. But in my university days, we used to call it the Bum's Rush. Will you join me?
- Michael MacCreigh: Miss Jones, you're looking like a goddess today.
- Miss Jones, MacCreigh's Secretary: You'd better take another look. You're uncle's in the refrigerator. You want to wait in his office for him?
- Michael MacCreigh: [Poking his head through some hanging beef in the cooler] A hundred and seventy-five in my stocking feet.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Yes, and we don't deal in inferior beefs. Throw this carcass out.
- Michael MacCreigh: Day by day, I rise in your estimation.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Yes. Any time now I'm liable to think enough of you to offer you a job again.
- Michael MacCreigh: You're getting to think too much of me, Uncle Carlton. Really, I'm not worth it.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Certainly you're worth it. A man of your accomplishments is not to be taken lightly.
- Michael MacCreigh: Say, I'm never taken lightly. When they take me, they take me for everything I've got.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Well the whole idea of the play is ridiculous. You expect anybody to believe that a man can leave New York in his underwear and get to Los Angeles in 10 days?
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, at least he's got his BVDs. That's more than any of us start life with.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: And the way Stephen piles it on. This boy wonder arrives in Los Angeles in a new suit of clothes, a hundred dollars in his pocket, and engaged to a beautiful girl. Ridiculous! Who's gonna believe that?
- Michael MacCreigh: Remember, this happens in a play, not in a slaughter house. It's not beef ham and prize-cuts. It's romance! Adventure! Just was people want to see in a play.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Are you cold?
- Michael MacCreigh: [Shivering in the cold walk-in cooler] No. I'm practicing for the DTs.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: You'll never get out of the city without being arrested for indecent exposure.
- Paula Gilbert: A pair of silk socks, a silk hat, and nothing between. That's a short and accurate description of Jackson Wallace.
- Aunt Charlotte: A pair of social registrites
- [sic]
- Aunt Charlotte: , old man starvation, and nothing between. That's a short and accurate description of us.
- Jackson Wallace: [Michael in his BVDs pops into a gazebo where Wallace and Paula are sitting] Whh... what do you mean by... by strutting in here with no clothes on?
- Michael MacCreigh: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know the affair was formal. I distinctly remember the invitation saying "Don't dress."
- Jackson Wallace: [Paula tries to confront Michael] No, Paula.
- Paula Gilbert: Oh, that's alright. I've seen the subway ads.
- Aunt Charlotte: Don't worry. We nearly had him proposing once, we'll do it again.
- Paula Gilbert: We? That's an idea. Why don't you get married and have the 12 children?
- Aunt Charlotte: You know, I've often thought of it. But no one else has.
- Michael MacCreigh: I wonder if I could persuade you gentlemen to let me have some of that delicious smelling Mulligan Stew?
- Hobo (uncredited): Sorry, your honor. We don't believe in handouts
- [spits on the ground]
- Paula Gilbert: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, that depends on the places you've been before. I'm always hanging out in Sloppy Mike's on 37th Street in New York. Ever been there?
- Aunt Charlotte: According to the last milepost, you're just 324 miles from Filthy Mike's.
- Michael MacCreigh: Sloppy, ma'am. Sloppy.
- Aunt Charlotte: Don't tell me. I've been there and it's filthy.
- Aunt Charlotte: That's a pretty long hike for a wounded veteran.
- Michael MacCreigh: Oh, yes ma'am. I'm not the man I used to be.
- Paula Gilbert: Where were you wounded?
- Michael MacCreigh: I'm told it was at Château-Thierry, though it's all very hazy to me. But you can understand why.
- Aunt Charlotte: Yes, of course.
- Paula Gilbert: Why?
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, you see. There was a low fog and we couldn't see a thing.
- Paula Gilbert: What branch of the service were you in?
- Michael MacCreigh: Secret Service.
- Paula Gilbert: Weren't you rather young to be in the war?
- Michael MacCreigh: Eight years old. But that's what made me so valuable. Now, who would think that an eight-year-old kid was a spy?
- Paula Gilbert: For one, I wouldn't.
- Aunt Charlotte: You're pulling our leg, young man. But you're doing it rather well.
- Michael MacCreigh: I'll return the favor some day and let you pull mine.
- Aunt Charlotte: [Exchanges glances with Paula] He wants to play games.
- Miss Mannerly, Hutchinson's Secretary: Get out of the office.
- Michael MacCreigh: Michael MacCreigh never runs away.
- Miss Mannerly, Hutchinson's Secretary: [Picks up the telephone] Get me the special policeman.
- Michael MacCreigh: Now, uh... an honorable retreat, I'd consider.
- Stephen Dody: [Pulls Michael toward the door] Well, stop considering and let's retreat.
- Aunt Charlotte: [as they stop in a small town at the Plaza Ritz Hotel] This looks like the kind of a place where there's running water in every room... if it rains... and it probably will.
- Paula Gilbert: I could swear he's that Central Park lunatic. Looks like him only he's dressed differently.
- Aunt Charlotte: You might ask to have a peek at him in his undies.
- Paula Gilbert: Looks like the kind who wouldn't mind.
- Aunt Charlotte: The next time a man in his BVDs busts in on you, get his fingerprints.
- Paula Gilbert: You're the Central Park lunatic.
- Michael MacCreigh: Oh, what do you mean?
- Paula Gilbert: You are the lunatic.
- Michael MacCreigh: [Waving his hand] That wasn't me. I don't like parks.
- Paula Gilbert: But I know you are.
- Michael MacCreigh: Who, me?
- Paula Gilbert: Yes, you. And if you want to get to Los Angeles, why don't you try that Columbus Avenue trolley that you were waiting for?
- Aunt Charlotte: You know, he's mad, but in a pleasant sort of way.
- Paula Gilbert: Aunt Charlotte, you're not falling for him?
- Aunt Charlotte: My dear, a woman my age doesn't fall, she collapses... in a pleasant sort of way.
- Aunt Charlotte: I wonder if they have a better sort of bread line for our class of people.
- Paula Gilbert: All right, I'll marry him
- [Jack Wallace]
- Paula Gilbert: and make you the happiest woman in the world.
- Aunt Charlotte: It's the only sensible thing to do.
- Paula Gilbert: Well, why mince words? It's a cheap, despicable thing to do. Conniving to get a man to propose to me.
- Michael MacCreigh: If you'd let me, I'd try to give you a rough idea of what I'm like.
- Paula Gilbert: That's what I'm afraid of.
- Michael MacCreigh: All right. I don't have to throw myself away on you. I have a sixth sense that always tells me when I'm not wanted.
- Plaza Ritz Hotel Owner: You'll have to ask the wife if she can use ya. She likes to think she's the boss around here.
- Paula Gilbert: [Michael starts roasting a marshmallow in the fireplace] Must you do that? I despise the odor of toasted marshmallow.
- Michael MacCreigh: Ah, that's probably because in your youth you were exposed to improperly toasted marshmallows. There's quite a group of you. The psychological term is... heh, if you'll excuse me, "marshmallum dislikum."
- Paula Gilbert: [Finally smiles and begins to warm to Michael] Isn't there any hope for us?
- Michael MacCreigh: [Eating his first toasted marshmallow] Fortunately, yes. The cure isn't far off. It involves a gradual breaking down of the marshmallow resistance. But it must be done carefully, scientifically, by trained expert toasters. You see, there are varying degrees of marshmallow toasters. I myself am a 32nd degree toaster.
- Paula Gilbert: I congratulate you.
- Michael MacCreigh: [Holding a jar of jam marked 25 cents] If you don't mind, I'll take my $2 pay in these preserves.
- Plaza Ritz Hotel Owner: Okay. You're getting a good bargain, son. They cost 50 cents each to make.
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, how can you do it?
- Plaza Ritz Hotel Owner: Well, we hardly sell any at all. So we don't lose much.
- Michael MacCreigh: Come, come ladies, decide. I'm practically giving myself away. But there's a clearance sale at MacCreigh's and I'm half off today.
- Aunt Charlotte: That's putting it mildly.
- Aunt Charlotte: This is against my better part of judgment.
- Michael MacCreigh: The best part of life is against your better part of judgment.
- Stephen Dody: [Reading a telegam from Michael] "Traded Carlton the second for a shotgun. Will use it on auntie only as a last resort. Very little regard, Michael." He'll probably run that gun up into a battleship.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: [Reading a telegram from Michael] "Traded shotgun for a portable sewing machine. It keeps me in stitches. Practically no kisses, Michael." Very funny.
- Miss Jones, MacCreigh's Secretary: Another one of those collect telegrams, sir.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: And this is the last one I pay for. If any more come, send them back.
- Miss Jones, MacCreigh's Secretary: Yes, sir.
- Stephen Dody: Where is he now?
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Bellwood, Kansas.
- [He reads the telegram out loud]
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: "Breezed into Bellwood, thus doubling the population. Stop. Had lunch with the chamber of commerce, who really is a swell fellow. Stop."
- Stephen Dody: Not bad time. He made 600 miles yesterday.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: [Continues reading telegram] "Trading sewing machine. Big deal pending. I hate you."
- Donovan, Stupid Escaped Con: I don't get this at all. Why don't we just take the car and scram? Why take this mob along?
- Morton, Escaped Con: Because, my mental mastodon, in this case, five's company and two's a crowd. At least we two.
- Donovan, Stupid Escaped Con: [Playing solitaire, throws his last card turn down on the table] That's what I get for being honest. But, that's the way I was brought up, I guess.
- Aunt Charlotte: I suppose your stay in jail was just a typographical error.
- Donovan, Stupid Escaped Con: Quiet, Toots.
- Aunt Charlotte: All men are beasts, only some are more or less house-broken.
- Paula Gilbert: Well, next time, we'll ask for his pedigree.
- Michael MacCreigh: It may be a crime to say this in Southern California, but I'm still in a fog.
- Aunt Charlotte: [She has just bailed Michael out of jail] I did it because I have a feeling that way down deep you really love my niece, you idiot.
- Michael MacCreigh: Go to the head of the class.
- Aunt Charlotte: And I know Paula really loves you but she's too infernally proud to admit it, the idiot.
- Michael MacCreigh: What do you suggest we idiots do about it?
- Aunt Charlotte: Michael, it's completely up to you now. You know that little fool's going through with it.
- Aunt Charlotte: She's so angry only because she loves you so much. And she's marrying him only because she's so angry with you.
- Michael MacCreigh: So, I'm to conclude that she's marrying someone else because she loves me so much?
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Well, here's your check.
- Michael MacCreigh: It's a pleasure.
- Uncle Carlton MacCreigh: Now I'm in show business, whether I like it or not. Can you imagine what will happen if I talk leg of lamb to the leading lady?
- Aunt Charlotte: You talk cold turkey to her and you'd be surprised what will happen.
- Michael MacCreigh: Now, will you marry me?
- Paula Gilbert: No!
- Michael MacCreigh: I'm a pauper and I haven't got a cent.
- Paula Gilbert: No.
- [Less firmly]
- Michael MacCreigh: I'll probably never amount to anything.
- Paula Gilbert: Nnn... no.
- [Not convincingly]
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, you'll probably have to take in washing.
- Paula Gilbert: Why didn't you say so in the first place?
- [She smiles and they embrace]
- Stephen Dody: You better take that job your uncle's offering you.
- Michael MacCreigh: He asked me to see him this afternoon. He's in for a big disappointment. Imagine *me* - a meatpacker?
- Stephen Dody: That would be just ducky! Valet to a flock of sirloin steaks.
- Jackson Wallace: But, you can't stay here with no clothes on! It's - it's against the law!
- Michael MacCreigh: Ah, I see with whom I have to deal: a conservative!
- Jackson Wallace: Get out!
- Michael MacCreigh: A narrow-minded, bigoted, reactionary.
- Paula Gilbert: Get out!
- Michael MacCreigh: Now, lets not get into a rut. He said that.
- Paula Gilbert: Get out this minute!
- Michael MacCreigh: Well, I guess its the climate out here. Yeah, that's what it is, its the climate. Get a whiff of that air!
- Paula Gilbert: When you've stopped breathing, get on your way.
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