- Groucho: Are you the floorwalker of this ship? I want to register a complaint.
- Captain Corcoran: Why? What's the matter?
- Groucho: Matter enough. You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o'clock this morning?
- Captain Corcoran: Who did that?
- Groucho: Nobody, and that's my complaint.
- Groucho: Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
- Gibson, First Mate: Sir, I have to report there are four stowaways in the forward hatch.
- Captain Corcoran: Stowaways? How do you know there are four of them?
- Gibson, First Mate: Why, they were singing "Sweet Adeline".
- Groucho: Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? *Afraid*? You bet I'm afraid!
- Cab Driver at Barn: That'll be $1.10.
- Groucho: Here's a dollar, keep the change.
- Cab Driver at Barn: But I said a dollar "ten"!
- Groucho: All right, give "me" the dollar, *I'll* keep the change.
- Groucho: Mrs. Briggs, I've known and respected your husband Alky for many years. And what's good enough for him is good enough for me.
- [He suddenly grabs her and pulls her down onto a couch]
- Captain Corcoran: [describing the stowaways] One of them goes around with a black moustache.
- Groucho: So do I; if I had my choice, I'd go around with a little blonde.
- Captain Corcoran: I said, one goes around with a black moustache.
- Groucho: Well, you couldn't expect a moustache to go around by itself. Don't you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?
- Chico: Hey, sure it gets-a lonely. Hey, when my grandfather's beard gets here, I'd like it to meet your moustache.
- Groucho: Well, I'll think it over; I'll talk it over with my moustache. Tell me, has your grandfather's beard got any money?
- Chico: Money? Why, he fell hair to a fortune.
- Groucho: And you can say it was a real love match. We married for money.
- Madame Swempski: Oh, you impudent cad!
- Groucho: Eh, my shrinking violet? Say, it wouldn't hurt you to shrink thirty or forty pounds.
- Madame Swempski: I'll report you to your paper.
- Groucho: I'll thank you to let me do the reporting. Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?
- Groucho: [emerging from a haystack] Where's all those farmer's daughters I've been hearing about for years?
- Groucho: [Ship stowaways in barrels] Ah, this is the only way to travel boys, the only way. I was going to bring a long the wife and kiddies, but the grocer couldn't spare another barrel.
- Chico: I was going to bring my grandfather, but there's no room for his beard.
- Groucho: Why don't you send for the old swine and let his beard come later.
- Chico: I sent for his beard.
- Groucho: You did?
- Chico: Yes, it's comin' by hair mail.
- Zeppo: Hey, do you know who's on this boat? Maurice Chevalier the movie actor. I just ran into him.
- Groucho: Did you hurt him?
- Chico: How do you know it was Chevalier?
- Zeppo: I got his passport. Right there.
- Groucho: Now, he can't get off the boat.
- Chico: [Pointing to Harpo] Hey, he looks like Chevalier. I can look like Chevalier.
- Groucho: I certainly look like Chevalier.
- Zeppo: But, that's not enough. You gotta sing one of Chevalier's songs to get off this boat.
- [singing]
- Zeppo: "If a nightingale, could sing like you, they'd sing much better than you do..."
- Groucho: Outstanding. You sing like that and they'll throw us all off the boat.
- Madame Swempski: I don't like this innuendo.
- Groucho: That's what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
- Groucho: How about you and I passing out on the veranda; or would you rather pass out here?
- Woman at Party: Sir, you have the advantage of me.
- Groucho: Not yet I haven't, but wait till I get you outside.
- Captain Corcoran: Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me.
- Groucho: Well, don't forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.
- Groucho: If this is the Captain, I'm gonna have a few words with him. My hot water's been cold for three days. And I haven't got room enough in here to swing a cat. In fact, I haven't even got a cat.
- Manicurist: Do you want your nails trimmed long?
- Chico: Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothin' to do.
- Chico: We're great, huh?
- Joe Helton: You're great.
- Chico: My partner?
- Joe Helton: He's great.
- Chico: My grandfather's great. He's a great-grandfather.
- Woman Passenger: Where's the Doctor? A doctor! I want a doctor!
- Chico: Sit. Stay calm. We take care of you. Oh, she's got a chill. Cover her up.
- [Harpo sits on her]
- Chico: No, no, no, no. Get up. Get up. Take her pulse. Take her pulse.
- [Harpo takes her purse]
- Chico: No purse! Put it back. Pulse. I think you best take a temperature. That's good. Alright, we take care of you, lady. Alright. Alright. Alright.
- Woman Passenger: Oh, you fools! I'm not the patient!
- Chico: Well, we're not the doctor.
- Groucho: Now, Columbus sailed from Spain to India, looking for a shortcut.
- Chico: Oh, you mean strawberry shortcut.
- Groucho: I don't know. When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me.
- Chico: What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?
- Groucho: You bet she could, but I found her out, too late. Well, enough of this. Let's get back to Columbus.
- Chico: I'd rather get back to the nurse.
- Groucho: So would I.
- Groucho: I'd like to ask you one question.
- Alky Briggs: Go ahead.
- Groucho: Do you think that girls think less of a boy if he lets himself be kissed? I mean, eh, don't you think that although girls go out with boys like me they - they always marry the other kind?
- [Smiles, raises eyebrows three times]
- Groucho: Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean... flee to my lodge in the hills.
- Lucille: Oh, no. I couldn't think of it.
- Groucho: Don't be afraid. You can join this lodge for a few pennies and you won't even have to take a physical examination, unless you insist on one.
- Chico: Alright, alright. How much you pay?
- Joe Helton: Well, just how tough are you?
- Chico: Well, you pay a little bit, we're a little bit tough. You pay very much, very much tough. You pay a too much, we're too much a tough. How much you pay?
- Joe Helton: I pay plenty.
- Chico: Well, then we're plenty tough.
- Boat Passenger: What's the idea of putting your hands in my pocket!
- Chico: Just a little mistake. I had a suit once. Looked just like that and for a minute I thought those were my pants.
- Boat Passenger: How could they be your pants when I I've got them on!
- Chico: Well, this suit had two pair of pants.
- Woman at Party: You're pretty fresh, aren't you.
- Indian at Party: That's my wife and I don't like the way you're acting around here.
- Groucho: Well, if you don't like our country, why don't you go back where you came from.
- Indian at Party: [Raises his tomahawk] Say, I oughta take that right in your scalp!
- Groucho: Run for your life! The indians are coming! Put your scalp in your pocket.
- [Grabs another male guest's toupee]
- Groucho: Here! The Indians! Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo...
- Groucho: No, you're wrong, girls. You're wrong. In the first place, Gary Cooper is much taller than I am.
- Groucho: [to a cow in a barn] You're a mother. You understand. How would you like to have somebody steal one of your hefers? I know hef a cow is better than none. But, this is no time for puns.
- Groucho: This program is coming to you through the courtesy of the Golden Goose Furniture Company with three stores, 125th street, 125th street and 125th street. You furnish the girl, we tar and feather your nest.
- Gibson, First Mate: Who are you?
- Groucho: I'm the tailor.
- Gibson, First Mate: Oh, that reminds me, where are my pants?
- Groucho: You've got 'em on.
- Groucho: I'm young. I want gaiety, laughter, ha-cha-cha. I want to dance. I want to dance till the cows come home.
- Lucille: So, here you are! Loafing around with these tramps!
- Alky Briggs: I tell ya, I come down to see Joe Helton.
- Zeppo: Don't you think we better go?
- Groucho: What? And leave this woman here alone with her husband? Suppose her sweetheart came in?
- Lucille: You can't stay in that closet.
- Groucho: [emerging behind her] Oh, I can't, can I? That's what they said to Thomas Edison, mighty inventor; Thomas Lindbergh, mighty flier; and Tomashevsky, mighty like a rose. Just remember, my little cabbage, that if there weren't any closets, there wouldn't be any hooks, and if there weren't any hooks, there wouldn't be any fish, and that would suit me fine.