- Dr. Vengard: Most people know nothing about themselves. Nothing. Their own real personality is a complete stranger to them. Now, what I'm trying to do is to introduce you to your inner-self. I want you to get acquainted with yourself. Wouldn't you like to meet you? Don't you want to get to know yourself?
- Mrs. Jill Baker: No. You see, I'm a little shy.
- Sally Aikens: I was doing some secretarial work for Mr. Baker.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Oh, secretary's work on Saturday night?
- Sally Aikens: Oh, well, eh, I-I'm a notary public too.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Oh, I see. And you brought your seal?
- Sally Aikens: Oh, yes!
- Mrs. Jill Baker: A-ha, a trained seal.
- Margie Stallings: Dr. Vengard. I repeat it, Dr. Vengard is the man for you.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Don't let's go into that again. I will not be psycho-analyzed.
- Extra in Ladies Room: Oh, now, Jill. That's a very middle-class attitude.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: I'm a perfectly normal woman.
- Margie Stallings: Well, that's sounds awfully dull.
- Extra in Ladies Room: My dear you musn't say that about yourself - not even in fun!
- Margie Stallings: Now, I don't want to cause any trouble. But cold facts are cold facts! If Mr. and Mrs. Cooper come, that big, awful looking Mrs. Cooper, he shaves.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: And if he has dinner alone with his wife, he doesn't shave!
- Margie Stallings: And if anybody should shave, it's Mrs. Cooper!
- Mrs. Jill Baker: And I spent three-and-a-half hours today at Elizabeth Arden's, but I don't rate a shave.
- Jones: Miss Aikens, we want a woman's point of view on a certain situation. Now, Mr. Baker has a friend and he's in trouble...
- Sally Aikens: Oh, Mr. Baker!
- Jones: [Shushing Larry] Now, Mr. Baker has nothing whatever to do with it. Let's call the friend Mr. Brown. Now, Mr. Brown has a wife... Mr. & Mrs. Brown have been married for, uh, how long?
- Larry Baker: Well, say six years. They live in Toledo.
- Sally Aikens: Six years in Toledo. That's bad.
- Jones: All right then, let's say New York. Now Mr. Brown is worried about his marriage. Things are not going along as well as they used to.
- Sally Aikens: What kind of a man IS this Mr. Brown?
- Larry Baker: Very nice...
- Sally Aikens: Is he attractive?
- Jones: Very attractive.
- [to Larry]
- Jones: Don't you think so?
- Larry Baker: Yes.
- Sally Aikens: And yet she's complaining.
- Larry Baker: Well, she's drifting away from him.
- Jones: Yes, and he wants to get things back on the old basis.
- Sally Aikens: Who doesn't?
- Jones: Yes.
- [clears throat]
- Jones: Now, Miss Aikens, as a woman, I'm asking you, what is the right approach?
- Sally Aikens: Well, I should say a mink coat would do the trick.
- Larry Baker: She has a mink coat.
- Sally Aikens: Then what's she complaining about?
- [the men are exasperated, and Jones dismisses Miss Aikens from the conversation]
- Larry Baker: Just a moment. Now look here. Mrs. Brown is interested in another man.
- Sally Aikens: Oh... If there aren't any witnesses she's going to deny it... But I'm afraid I'm not the right person to give you any advice. I probably have too much sympathy for Mr. Brown, and not enough patience with Mrs. Brown. We get cases like that every day. The wife is bored; marriage is just a habit. But on the other hand, she accepts everything her husband gives her. I think she ought to be kicked out. Do I sound old-fashioned?
- Jones: No, we'll let you know, Miss Aikens.
- Sally Aikens: Well anyway, I think Mr. Brown's a pretty swell guy. I've always thought so.
- [Miss Aikens leaves the room]
- Jones: ...She certainly had a couple of interesting angles.
- Larry Baker: I didn't notice them.
- Title Card: Men have been rightly called the Masters of the World. Men have subdued the wild animals. Men have penetrated deep into the jungle, and have been able to look at the Moon and the planets. But there is still one place on Earth where no man has ever set foot nor has been even permitted to glimpse.
- [Next shot: the "Ladies Lounge" door]
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Egészségedre!
- Kafka: Egészségedre?
- [looks around the table at the other guests; then, indicating Jill]
- Kafka: Egészségedre!
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Just a habit, isn't it?
- Larry Baker: Yes, if you want to call it that.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Like scratching your head or patting your dog. Would you do it to some other woman?
- Larry Baker: Well, I don't know. I never tried.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: But, you do it to me.
- Larry Baker: Well, you're my wife.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: And that gives you the right to poke me in the stomach whenever you want, heh?
- Alexander Sebastian: Let me warn you that I say what I think. I'm a complete individualist.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Really?
- Alexander Sebastian: I'm against Communism, Capitalism, Fascism, Nazism. I'm against everything and everybody. I hate my fellow man and he hates me.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: It sounds rather amusing.
- Alexander Sebastian: So, I amuse you? I'm a clown, eh? Pagliacci!
- Mrs. Jill Baker: You are a puzzle, Mr. Alexander Sebastian.
- Alexander Sebastian: And don't you try to solve me, Mrs. Happy Baker.
- Larry Baker: If you ever should run into one of her bad moods and you want to snap her right out if it, there's only one way to do it.
- Alexander Sebastian: What's that?
- Larry Baker: Just - keeks her.
- Alexander Sebastian: Keeks her? How do you do that?
- Larry Baker: Just
- [pokes Sebastian in the stomach]
- Larry Baker: - keeks!
- Larry Baker: It's okay. It's quick and painless.
- Alexander Sebastian: Very white of you, Baker.
- Larry Baker: Thanks, Sebastian.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: It's difficult to show you the symptoms at the moment, because - it comes and it goes.
- Dr. Vengard: Oh, it comes and - it goes.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Yes. It's so unfortunate. It's always the same whenever I see a doctor. When - when I come, it goes. And when I go, it comes.
- Dr. Vengard: Mrs. Baker, whatever comes and whatever goes, there's no denying it worries you a lot. So, please drop all your inhibitions, release your inner-self, and speak freely. What comes and what goes?
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Hiccups!
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Doctor, please believe me, there's nothing wrong with my marriage. You could go through all Park Avenue and you wouldn't find a happier couple.
- Dr. Vengard: Well, I'm sorry, but it's my duty to explore every avenue, especially Park Avenue.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: I've always heard that the ideal marriage should be something of a mystery. That your husband should remain a kind of stranger to you. Someone whose acquaintance you'd like to renew every day.
- Larry Baker: Now, the tough man to crack is Kafka - of Universal Mattress. I've done a little detective work: he's a Hungarian. As a matter of fact, they're all Hungarians. So, so let's give the dinner a kind of - Hungarian touch, heh?
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Now look, Larry...
- Larry Baker: Oh, now listen, darling, I didn't expect you to behave like a gypsy. But, let's hire a Hungarian cook and make him a wonderful goulash!
- Alexander Sebastian: What's wrong with you?
- Mrs. Jill Baker: [Defensively] Nothing.
- Alexander Sebastian: Why are you here? You don't go to a psycho-analyst to have tooth filled?
- Alexander Sebastian: That's almost great.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Who painted it?
- Alexander Sebastian: A woman. No man could be so malicious.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: [Mr. Baker sneaks up behind Mrs. Baker and puts his hands over her eyes] Oh, nice surprise, eh! Ha-ha-ha. Hello, my genius. Ha-ha. Who are you going to be this evening? Come, tell your little cadenza! Are you - Mozart? Playful, tender? Or, are you the thundering Beethoven? Strong, fiery, unyielding! Come, darling. Tell your little cade - -
- [Turns around, realizes it is her husband, and faints]
- Larry Baker: Ho-ho-ho. Am I going to be difficult! I'm gonna be the mad dog of 685 Park Avenue. Heil Baker!
- [Makes a Nazi salute]
- Mrs. Jill Baker: How dare you say that about my beloved mother!
- Larry Baker: Your beloved mother - pooh!
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Who are you to pooh my mother?
- Larry Baker: How is everything going?
- The Butler: Oh, not so well sir. I came to ask if in your future plans you'd have any use for me?
- Larry Baker: Have you left Miss Baker?
- The Butler: Yes sir, I had to - on account of that - musical gentleman. In fact, we all left, except Emma. But, then she fortunately is quite deaf.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Very exciting - being transferred from the business world into the world of art. Nothing but Bach and Tchaikovsky!
- Mrs. Jill Baker: I only hope poor Larry has as good a time as I.
- Margie Stallings: Well, when I saw him at the Monte Carlo...
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Oh, yes, I suppose that was another one of those dull, business evenings. Was it a large party?
- Margie Stallings: No, I'd say she was about your size.
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Doctor, I want to be frank with you. I'm absolutely certain there's absolutely nothing wrong with me.
- Dr. Vengard: I'm sure you'll feel differently when you leave this office.
- Larry Baker: Not so easy.
- Jones: Well, who said it was? Was it easy to sell hail insurance in southern California? Just find the right slant. A new one.
- Larry Baker: Selling marriage with a new slant, huh?
- Alexander Sebastian: Anything serious?
- Larry Baker: No, she just fainted.
- Alexander Sebastian: Oh, well. Women are always fainting. Any particular reason?
- Larry Baker: No, no. She just thought I was a genius. Then she found out I wasn't and it was too much for her.
- Alexander Sebastian: I am not gonna fight. My hands are my only livelihood, and I'm not gonna risk 'em on your jaw.
- Larry Baker: [hands Sebastian the smelling salts] Here, Mozart. Wake up your little credenza.
- Alexander Sebastian: You smoke yourself?
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Yes.
- Alexander Sebastian: [a pause] You, eh, haven't got a cigarette, eh?
- Mrs. Jill Baker: Yes.
- [she takes her cigarette case from her handbag and offers it to him]
- Alexander Sebastian: Haven't any without tips?
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