Robert Benchley credited as playing...
John Van Brunt
- John Van Brunt: [regarding marriage] Ah, I'll give you just one tip. If you remember this you can't go wrong.
- Dick Lawrence: Yeah?
- John Van Brunt: Just look at the whole thing as if you were locked in a boxcar with a mad horse.
- Thelma Van Brunt: Poor Dick is such a baby.
- John Van Brunt: Oh, Dick is twenty-two, and he's been overseas, and those French girls aren't all dressmakers you know.
- John Van Brunt: [Dick is shaving in the bathroom; his father has been sent to speak to him about marriage] Your Mother! Well, shaving?
- Dick Lawrence: [bemused] Yeah...!
- John Van Brunt: That's good. That's fine. Nothing like a good shave, huh?
- John Van Brunt: [he sits] Well, Dicky, my boy, seems you're getting married.
- Dick Lawrence: Yeah, that 's what I've been led to believe.
- John Van Brunt: Not nervous are you?
- Dick Lawrence: Why... no.
- John Van Brunt: Well, that's good. There's no need to be nervous. Really. Your Mother thought there might be certain things about marriage that you might not understand.
- Dick Lawrence: Well I, I suppose I've missed a few.
- John Van Brunt: She figured out that I might be able to, er enlighten you a little about, well, about marriage. That is to say, its pitfalls.
- Dick Lawrence: Pitfalls?
- John Van Brunt: Yes, the pitfalls. Yes, sir. Now, the first pitfall is, er, women! Women. They come with marriage, you can't avoid it.
- Dick Lawrence: That's right.
- John Van Brunt: And they're different from men.
- Dick Lawrence: Naturally.
- John Van Brunt: Yes, sir. The one thing you've got to look out for are the quirks.
- Dick Lawrence: About what?
- John Van Brunt: That's just the thing; you don't know about what. In a war, you know what you're fighting for. Marriage, you're fighting in the dark. Somebody's called it, "the Battle of the Sexes". Don't you believe it. There's no battle. It's all one-sided.
- Dick Lawrence: Yeah but Janie, Janie and I hardly ever fight, if that's what you mean.
- John Van Brunt: Oh, well, naturally, not before. But afterward...
- [he whistles]
- John Van Brunt: Oh boy! I don't want to upset you, Dicky boy. But there will come times when you will want to cut her throat!
- John Van Brunt: [Dick cuts himself with the razor accidentally] Oh, say, you are nervous, aren't you? Say you got quite a cut there. Just a minute. I once knew a man who cut himself like that and he bled for twenty-four hours.
- Dick Lawrence: But I'm getting married in two.
- Dick Lawrence: [applying a plaster] You certainly are, son. There you go. Now you can get married.
- John Van Brunt: Now, where were we?
- Dick Lawrence: I was cutting Janie's throat.
- John Van Brunt: Oh, yeah. Now let's see. Know anything about horses?
- Dick Lawrence: A little but what...?
- John Van Brunt: Every little helps. D'you ever see a nervous, young filly, just before a race?
- Dick Lawrence: Yeah, but what's that got to do with women, with Janie and me?
- John Van Brunt: Everything. The least little thing can set them off.
- Dick Lawrence: How do you mean, "set 'em off"?
- John Van Brunt: Set 'em off. That's all I mean. And once they're set off... Brother! It's frightening at first. Later on, it gets terrifying.
- Dick Lawrence: What gets terrifying?
- John Van Brunt: The whole thing.
- Dick Lawrence: Yeah, but what are you getting at? I can't figure.
- John Van Brunt: Don't try to figure her. You'll get so snarled up, you'll lose your mind. Just expect the worst and you can't be disappointed. Well, I guess that covers almost everything. I'll go and get dressed now. Good luck, boy.
- Dick Lawrence: Thanks.
- John Van Brunt: [turning at the door] I'll give you just one tip; if you remember this, you can't go wrong.
- Dick Lawrence: Yeah?
- John Van Brunt: Just look at the whole thing as if you were locked in a boxcar with a mad horse!