- Marian Kilbourne: [Introducing the two Great Danes] How do you do? I'd like you to meet my dogs. This dog's name is "Get Off The Rug." His name is "You, Too!"
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Do you drive a car?
- Wade Rawlins: Well, I did.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, but that's wonderful! Ambrose was such a poor driver, they tell me.
- Marian Kilbourne: Mother, if you're thinking of asking this... this...!
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: My mother always told me that children should be seen and not heard.
- Marian Kilbourne: Yes, but your mother was smarter than my mother.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Every night when I go to bed, I search myself.
- Marian Kilbourne: Did you ever find anything?
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: [At the breakfast table] I'm so hungry. I haven't had a thing to eat since last night.
- Jerry Kilbourne: Maybe he didn't have a father.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh darling, everyone has a father, that's one of nature's unwritten laws.
- Mr. Kilbourne: Isn't there any respect at all in this family?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Don't get discouraged, pop. There must be.
- Mr. Kilbourne: [after he has tripped or been knocked down a third time] This is getting worse than an epidemic.
- Jerry Kilbourne: [Wade is walking backwards as he leaves Jerry at the door] Is that the way you always walk?
- Wade Rawlins: Yes. Oh, I don't care where I'm going. I like to see where I've been.
- Wade Rawlins: Mrs. Kilbourne.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, how nice of you to come.
- Wade Rawlins: I live here. I'm Rawlins.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Well of course you are. I know that. I never forget a face and a name. Don't be silly. I'm very glad you came.
- Senator Harlan: If ever you are in Washington, you must come visit us.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Thank you so much. But I was there once, during the last coronation.
- Mr. Kilbourne: Emily, there's something I've been trying to tell you all evening.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, Henry. There you are. Where have you been? We've had the loveliest party.
- Mr. Kilbourne: For heaven's sake, Emily. I know all about the party.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: You do? Tell me all about it.
- Mr. Kilbourne: Oh, forget it. Forget it!
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Well, I'll try. But I doubt it very much.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: I'm so glad you could all come. Because if you hadn't, I don't know what we would have done with all the food.
- Jerry Kilbourne: I think a person should have more pride than to allow a total stranger to make love to her on a golf course.
- Wade Rawlins: Oh, well. There weren't many people on the course.
- Grosvenor - Butler: What you see in Mr. Rawlins I'll never know.
- Etta: You said it.
- Grosvenor - Butler: Fix him two 10-minute eggs.
- Etta: Why, they'd be hard.
- Grosvenor - Butler: You said it.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Shakepeare was right when he said... oh, I don't know what he said , but Shakespeare was right!
- Grosvenor - Butler: Are you going to believe who you talk to or what I tell you? Miss Kilbourne is not at home.
- Jerry Kilbourne: There's no film in the camera.
- Grosvenor - Butler: But, how can you take pictures without film then?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Oh, you can't. I'm just trying it. If I like it, I'll buy some film.
- Grosvenor - Butler: Yes, ma'am.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: [Mrs. Kilbourne is teaching Wade how to serve at a formal table] Oh, no, Rawlins. You must always serve from the left.
- Wade Rawlins: Um, this is your left, madam.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, so it is. I get mixed up sometime. You see, I'm right handed.
- Wade Rawlins: Well, I was pretending I was a left-handed butler.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, that's different. Then you're doing splendidly.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Now, I'll be Mr. Kilbourne and you be me.
- Wade Rawlins: Yes.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: No. You be me and I'll be Mr. Kilbourne. Or, you be Mr. Kilbourne and I'll be you. That's it. Now, who are we?
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Is everything all right dear? Oh dear, I called you dear. I was pretending you were Mr. Kilbourne. My husband, you know?
- Wade Rawlins: Oh yeah, heh, heh... Mr. Kilbourne.
- Etta: Did you find anything of Ambrose?
- Grosvenor - Butler: He's vanished like the wind.
- Etta: Woe is us. That's the eighth tramp chauffer in six months.
- Grosvenor - Butler: This household is entirely much too much for me. I'm through.
- Etta: What, again?
- Grosvenor - Butler: This time it's final. Irrevocable. Of course, it's all right if some people want to stay in a haven of derelicts.
- Mr. Kilbourne: Tramp?
- Wade Rawlins: Yes?
- Mr. Kilbourne: You stolen anything yet?
- Wade Rawlins: Not yet. Only got here this morning.
- Grosvenor - Butler: And what do you mean, sitting down in Mrs. Kilbourne's presence?
- Wade Rawlins: Well, I always sit down when I'm driving her.
- Grosvenor - Butler: What's that got to do with it?
- Wade Rawlins: [Wade looks at the cook, Etta] I don't know, what do you think?
- Etta: I think you look grand.
- Wade Rawlins: It seems Mrs. Kilbourne wants to see me about something. Look after things while I'm gone.
- Grosvenor - Butler: Yes, sir... Sir? Huh? Who do I think he is?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Oh, I'm just making some fudge.
- Wade Rawlins: With pickles?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Oh, yes. I always make my fudge with pickles.
- Mr. Kilbourne: [after three people have fainted] Will somebody please stay healthy enough around here for me to get something?
- Mr. Kilbourne: [Grosvenor appears unshaven and in a hobo outfit] What's the idea of that getup?
- Grosvenor - Butler: After watching the success of all the tramps who have infested this house, I realize that I've been in the wrong racket. From now on, me for the open road.
- [sic]
- Grosvenor - Butler: This time I'm through, and nothing will make me change my mind. Nothing.
- Jerry Kilbourne: [Enters the kitchen] Going somewhere, Grosvenor?
- Grosvenor - Butler: Why no, Miss Geraldine. The very idea...
- Jerry Kilbourne: What's all this about the silver being gone?
- Grosvenor - Butler: Yes, miss, I'm afraid it's only too true.
- Jerry Kilbourne: Where's Ambrose?
- Grosvenor - Butler: He disappeared with the silver, miss. And he also took my black patent leather shoes.
- Marian Kilbourne: Aren't you going to call the police?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Call the police? Are you crazy? With our luck, they'd find him and bring him back. And besides, what if the newspapers ever got ahold of it?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Call Grosvenor.
- Marian Kilbourne: What'll I call him?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Grosvenor.
- Marian Kilbourne: [Loudly] Grosvenor!
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: [after trying to use a large wooden stirring spoon on her cantaloupe] Grosvenor, don't you think this spoon is a little large for such a tiny little melon.
- Grosvenor - Butler: I'm sorry, madam, but...
- Wade Rawlins: Don't you like tramps?
- Grosvenor - Butler: I try desperately to love all God's creatures, but I loathe tramps.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Shakespeare said a man who has no music in himself, and so forth. I think he might also have said a man who has no flowers within himself, and so forth.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Where are you going, darling?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Rawlins is going to drive me to the club.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Oh, does he drive?
- Jerry Kilbourne: I have a book you ought to read.
- Wade Rawlins: A mystery story?
- Jerry Kilbourne: It will be to you. It's a book on etiquette.
- Wade Rawlins: Oh, it should be amusing. I hope it has pictures. I love pictures.
- [Jerry rolls her eyes]
- Herbert Wheeler: You mean to say I'm to blame?
- Wade Rawlins: Yes. I think so.
- Herbert Wheeler: [Gives Rawlins a push] You can' talk like that to me. I'll knock your ears off.
- Wade Rawlins: Oh, don't frighten me, mister. Look, you got me all nervous.
- [He shakes his hands, flips his notebook in Wheeler's face, and gets back in his car]
- Jerry Kilbourne: Go to the garage and have the bumper fixed. And, uh, pick up father at the station. He arrives at five.
- Wade Rawlins: What's your father like?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Well, let's see. He's um... well, he's very bad-tempered and he hates tramps. For further information, I'd ask mother. She's known him longer.
- Wade Rawlins: Yes, yes, but, uh... well, is he tall, short, wide, narrow?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Well, that depends on how you look at him.
- Wade Rawlins: Miss Kilbourne, how will I know him?
- Jerry Kilbourne: I've already told you. He arrives at five.
- Wade Rawlins: Oh... at five. Yes, of course, that's different.
- Grosvenor - Butler: [Answers the telephone] Mr. Wheeler, miss.
- Jerry Kilbourne: Oh, is it? Tell Mr. Wheeler I'm not at home.
- Grosvenor - Butler: Miss Kilbourne is not at home, sir.
- [Jerry takes the phone from Grosvenor and listens]
- Herbert Wheeler: [Talking from a lobby phone booth] Listen you stupid old fraud, who do you think you're kidding?
- Jerry Kilbourne: What did you call me, Herbert?
- [She hands the phone back to Grosvenor]
- Herbert Wheeler: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. Listen baby...
- Grosvenor - Butler: I beg your pardon, sir. But I'm neither your sweetheart nor your baby.
- [Jerry takes the phone from Grosvenor]
- Herbert Wheeler: Baby! You baby elephant. Will you get off the phone ya big lug?
- Jerry Kilbourne: Why, Herbert, I thought you wanted to talk to me. But if that's the way you feel about it.
- [She hands the phone back to Grosvenor]
- Herbert Wheeler: Uh, wait a minute, Jerry.
- Jerry Kilbourne: [Speaking loudly toward the phone that Grosvenor is holding] Tell Mr. Wheeler I'm not at home.
- Grosvenor - Butler: Hello, this is the Kilbourne estate.
- Herbert Wheeler: Will you please stop monkeying around and let me talk to Miss Kilbourne?
- Grosvenor - Butler: Miss Kilbourne is not at home, sir.
- Herbert Wheeler: Listen, you fathead. I know she's at home. I just talked to her.
- Grosvenor - Butler: Are you going to believe who you talked to or what I tell you? Miss Kilbourne is not at home.
- Mr. Kilbourne: I won't stand for it any longer. This foolishness has gone far enough. How do you suppose our friends and neighbors feel?
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: Why? Were any of them ill?
- Mr. Kilbourne: How do I know?
- Kane Kilbourne: Mother, you can't dismiss everybody who doesn't care for your tramps.
- Marian Kilbourne: If you did that, we'd all have to leave.
- Mrs. Emily Kilbourne: It isn't enough to have the servants against me. My whole family has to turn against me.
- Mr. Kilbourne: Geraldine, is that the way for your sister to come down to the breakfast table?
- Jerry Kilbourne: No, pop.
- Mr. Kilbourne: Well then, ell her to go upstairs and put some clothes on.
- Jerry Kilbourne: [to Marian] Go upstairs and put some clothes on.