- Gordon Miller: [Seeing Harpo, taking his coat off, with no shirt under] I see he comes prepared.
- Harry Binelli: No, he doesn't believe in shirts!
- Gordon Miller: Ah, he's an atheist!
- Hilda Manny: If I don't come back you'll know it's good news.
- Gordon Miller: And if you do come back bring four bottles of poison.
- Leo Davis: Well, if you fellows don't mind, I'm going to wash up.
- Harry Binelli: Yeah, go ahead. The rest of us are already washed up.
- Leo Davis: You've been in jail?
- Harry Binelli: Sure, it's'a not so bad. You behave and they make you a trustee.
- Leo Davis: Gee, I-I-I don't know whether I can keep it up for two and a half hours.
- Gordon Miller: It's all right. We'll help you.
- Harry Binelli: Hurry up, before they come back. And, groan, groan, stagger about and don't die too soon! You must take your time. And you mustn't die before 11 o'clock.
- Leo Davis: Don't you worry! I'll give you the best performance you ever saw in a hotel bedroom!
- Gordon Miller: That's the spirit! Good luck, Davis. Drop dead!
- Leo Davis: Oh, but you see, I've left home for good. I've burned my bridges behind me.
- Gordon Miller: I see. But, you could go back if you wanted to.
- Leo Davis: My mother seemed very happy when I left.
- Gordon Miller: Only a mother's mask. At this moment, she may be sitting at the fireside, wringing her hands.
- Leo Davis: Oh, we have no fireside.
- Gordon Miller: You have no fireside? How do you listen to the President's speeches?
- Gordon Miller: Wait a minute, suppose one of us got sick?
- Harry Binelli: That's the idea! They can't pull a sick man out, it's against the law.
- Gordon Miller: Remember, I had kidney trouble at the Astor and gallstones at the Plaza.
- Harry Binelli: Oh, those were the happy days!
- Gordon Miller: Might lead to a Hollywood contract.
- Sasha: Hollywood! Oh, gentlemen, you are singing music in my ears. I, but, if Mr. Wagner finds out?
- Gordon Miller: Think of the other Russians who made good in the same way, Gregory Ratoff... Ginger Rogersvitz...
- Leo Davis: Gee, I don't know where I'm at. Mr. Gribble says I owe 600 dollars, downstairs they think I've got a tapeworm, and this man thinks I'm a lunatic!
- Gordon Miller: [Disapprovingly] Love! He talks just like one of the characters in his play.
- Harry Binelli: I don't know. I like-a love.
- Gordon Miller: I like it too; but, there's a time and place for everything.
- Harry Binelli: I like it anytime.
- Gregory Wagner: Miller! How did that meal get here?
- Gordon Miller: Eh, Dr. Glass ordered it for the patient.
- Dr. Glass: Dr. Glass did nothing of the kind!
- Gordon Miller: Say, I refuse to argue with a House Dick.
- Dr. Glass: I'm not a Dick, I'm a Doctor. Doctor Glass.
- Harry Binelli: [Faker staggers into the room, carrying all of his belongings. He pantomimes to Binelli] How do you like-a that? Just-a because he owes six months' rent they throw-a him outta his place!
- Gordon Miller: Well, six dollars is six dollars!
- [first lines]
- Gordon Miller: [pulls newspaper down] Well, what do you want? Can't a man have a little privacy around here?
- Sasha: The check, Mr. Miller.
- Gordon Miller: Oh, the check... Is this check any good?
- Sasha: Why, uh... yes, sir.
- Gordon Miller: Well, we'll soon find out. There you are.
- [signs the check]
- Sasha: Thank you.
- Gordon Miller: Don't give me any of that 'thank you' stuff.
- Sasha: Mr. Miller, many times I have seen your company rehearsing on the 19th floor. Please, I would like to play the part of the Polish miner.
- Gordon Miller: My advice to you is to stay where you are. Most actors would be tickled to death to get as close to a lamb chop as you, and I do mean ewe.
- Joseph Gribble: [Miller and Gribble leave the elevator] Gordon, I'm in a terrible spot: Mr. Wagner, the supervising director, is downstairs now inspecting the books!
- Gordon Miller: Wagner? I thought he wasn't coming for another two months!
- Joseph Gribble: [Miller enters his hotel room, followed by Gribble] He walked in on me unexpectedly! He'll discover your bill any minute: $1,200 worth of credit to a shoestring producer! How will I explain it? If he finds out you're my brother-in-law, it'll cost me my job!
- Gordon Miller: [apologetically] It was a business proposition! In return for a little credit to me and 22 of my actors, I gave you a 10% interest in the show.
- Gordon Miller: [cheerily] Don't forget, you begged to get in on the ground floor.
- Joseph Gribble: You mean, I was railroaded into it by you and Flossie!
- Gordon Miller: [indignantly] You do me a favor and kindly keep your wife's name out of this! Do you realize, you're talking about the woman you love?
- Gordon Miller: [his mood lightens] And besides, she happens to be my sister... on my mother's side.
- Harry Binelli: [enters the room] Hello boss, ha ha! The rehearsal, she's a wonder!
- Gordon Miller: Hello, Binelli.
- Harry Binelli: Yes sirree, it's-a wonderful! I still think it's a terrible play, but it makes a wonderful rehearsal. Hello, room service.
- [picks up the phone]
- Christine Marlowe: Just a minute, Binelli, you can't eat here anymore!
- Gordon Miller: Well, there's only one thing to do, Joe: I'll have to scram!
- Christine Marlowe: Gordon, I can't let you skip! You have to leave your luggage!
- Gordon Miller: All right, I'll leave my luggage. But we can wear a lot of clothes. Hey, Binelli, put on three of my suits.
- Harry Binelli: [Gordon and Gribble chatter in the background; Binelli uses the phone] Give me room 1922. Faker? Here we go again. Come on down, give us a hand.
- Gordon Miller: Look, you don't want 22 people skipping all in one day, do you, Joe?
- Christine Marlowe: Of course not, but I...
- Gordon Miller: Honestly, Joe, their bills are charged to me, so they can't be held responsible. Now the minute I'm out, we'll have the whole cast re-register under their own names. And starting from today, instead of one big bill, you'll have 22 little ones.
- Harry Binelli: [on the phone] Hello? Joe, it's for you.
- Christine Marlowe: [picks up the phone] Hello? Oh... oh yes, Mr. Wagner, I'll be right down.
- Gordon Miller: I'll be out of here in 15 minutes.
- [Joe hangs up the phone]
- Christine Marlowe: 17 years in the hotel business, and I have to pull a stunt like this!
- [Joe leaves the room]
- Gordon Miller: Mr. Wagner, I demand that you reopen all those rooms on the 19th floor. The occupants are my guests, and I'm responsible for their bills.
- Gregory Wagner: And who's responsible for yours?
- Gordon Miller: Now you go down and tell Wagner if he doesn't behave himself, I'll buy this hotel and make him a bellhop. No, that's too good for him, I'll make him a guest!
- Leo Davis: Now, listen, fellas, you've starved me and robbed me, and I've gone along with you because I thought I owed it to the play. Well, there's one thing more important than any play, and that's love. It only comes once in a lifetime.
- Gordon Miller: Well, once is enough for me.