Edward Arnold credited as playing...
Anthony P. Kirby
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: You're an idiot, Mr. Kirby.
- Anthony P. Kirby: What?
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: A stupid idiot.
- Anthony P. Kirby: You can't talk to me like that.
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh, yes I can. Scum, are we? What makes you think you're such a superior human being? Your money? If you do, you're a dull-witted fool, Mr. Kirby. And a poor one at that. You're poorer than any of these people you call scum, because I'll guarantee at least they've got some friends. While you with your jungle and your long claws, as you call 'em, you'll wind up your miserable existence without anything you can call friend. You may be a high mogul to yourself, Mr. Kirby, but to me you're a failure - failure as a man, failure as a human being, even a failure as a father. When your time comes, I doubt if a single tear will be shed over you. The world will probably cry, "Good riddance." That's a nice prospect, Mr. Kirby. I hope you'll enjoy it. I hope you'll get some comfort out of all this coin you've been sweating over then!
- Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: Mr. Kirby should have told you: he suffers from indigestion.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Now, now, Miriam, it isn't as serious as all that.
- Boris Kolenkhov: Perhaps it is not indigestion. Perhaps it is stomach *ulcers!*
- Anthony P. Kirby: [looks at Kolenkhov with obvious indignation] Ulcers?
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Don't pay any attention to Mr. Kolenkhov. He's Russian, and the Russians are inclined to look on the dark side.
- Boris Kolenkhov: All right, I'm Russian! A friend of mine - a Russian - *died* from stomach ulcers!
- Alice Sycamore: Now Mr. Kolenkhov, Mr. Kirby has indigestion, and that's all.
- Boris Kolenkhov: Alright fine, let him wait!
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh, please folks, let's not discuss Mr. Kirby's ulcers.
- Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: Anthony, we've got to do something about this girl!
- Anthony P. Kirby: Alright, I'll fire her.
- Mrs. Anthony P. Kirby: This isn't a business deal! You can't settle anything by firing this girl.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Alright, then, I won't fire her.
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: What if all your deals fall through? It might be a good thing for you.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Man, you're crazy.
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well, maybe I am. I used to be just like you. Then, one morning when I was going up the elevator, it struck me I wasn't having any fun. So, I came right down and never went back. Yes sir. That was 35 years ago.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Admirable. You haven't done a thing since, huh?
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Just the things I wanted to do. I collected stamps. Went to the zoo when I got the notion. Took up the harmonica. And even found time to notice when Spring came around.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Say Tony, do you realize there won't be a bullet, gun, or cannon made in this country without us?
- Tony Kirby: Dad, now don't tell me you've forgotten the slingshot market.
- [makes slingshot motion/gesture, playfully pats his dad on the shoulder twice, and exits the room]
- Anthony P. Kirby: Hehehehehehehehehehe!
- [laughs heartily before answering a phone call]
- Anthony P. Kirby: Mr. Vanderhoff, you once told me I was a failure as a father.
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Oh, I didn't mean that.
- Anthony P. Kirby: I know, but I am.
- Anthony P. Kirby: I can walk alone. I've never heard of anything so outrageous in all my life! Stop pushing me around like this! You fool, I'm Anthony P. Kirby. Do you hear that?
- Guard: Okay, pal, I'm George Washington.
- Anthony P. Kirby: I got you to thank for this. I hope it will teach you a lesson. Fooling around with Stenographers!
- Anthony P. Kirby: Look, you know about these things, I don't. I need your advice. I'd give a fortune...
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Ah-ah-ah-now, there you are, you've got to stop thinking in terms of fortune. You know what I do when I run smack into a crisis? Just take out my harmonica and I play on it until that crisis just fades away.
- Tony Kirby: Hello dad.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Oh hello Tony, how are you?
- Tony Kirby: Good.
- Anthony P. Kirby: How's your mother?
- Tony Kirby: She's fine.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Mm, that's good. I nearly sent for you; I thought you might like th-, like the White House.
- Tony Kirby: Oh, I'm sorry you didn't.
- Anthony P. Kirby: And how do you like being a vice president?
- Tony Kirby: Eh, painless so far.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Hah!
- [to his business partners]
- Anthony P. Kirby: He still talks as if he were having a tooth yanked.
- [playfully whacks Tony in the stomach and then proceeds to his desk for a meeting]
- Attorney to Kirby: What happened in Washington?
- Attorney to Kirby: Yes, what'd you find out?
- Attorney to Kirby: A.P., where do we stand?
- Anthony P. Kirby: [as he approaches his desk] Uh, get me some bicarbonate soda.
- Attorney to Kirby: How do we stand A.P.?
- Anthony P. Kirby: Well gentlemen, there will be no interference from the powers that be.
- Attorney to Kirby: There won't?
- Attorney to Kirby: That's marvelous.
- Attorney to Kirby: Are you sure?
- Attorney to Kirby: What about the senator with the antitrust complex?
- Anthony P. Kirby: [mostly to the previous attorney] I said there'd be no interference.
- [to all of them while periodically shaking his finger during the rest of the dialogue]
- Anthony P. Kirby: We're going ahead exactly as we planned. It'll be the largest individual monopoly in the world gentlemen, if we're smart; particularly now that Ramsey is lined up.
- Attorney to Kirby: Ramsey too?
- Attorney to Kirby: That's impossible.
- Attorney to Kirby: No,
- [shakes his head]
- Attorney to Kirby: the administration would never stand for it.
- Attorney to Kirby: Why, we'd control every title of war material.
- Anthony P. Kirby: That's exactly it gentlemen. With the world going crazy, the next big move is munitions, and Kirby and Company are going to cash in on it.
- Attorney to Kirby: Haha, it's unbelievable.
- Attorney to Kirby: Why the war wouldn't be possible anyway without us.
- [A.P. sits down and Tony yawns unmoved]
- Attorney to Kirby: A.P., if I know Ramsey, he'll never let himself be absorbed by anybody.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Oh he won't, eh?
- Attorney to Kirby: No.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Well we'll see if he will when I hand him a little surprise. I own every inch of the twelve blocks that completely surround the Ramsey factories.
- Attorney to Kirby: No!
- Attorney to Kirby: That's news to us.
- Attorney to Kirby: Well, we certainly didn't know anything about *that*.
- Anthony P. Kirby: So, huh, how is he going to fulfill his contracts without us? Now you'd better get busy. Complete all your negotiations with the others. I'll handle Ramsey myself.
- Attorney to Kirby: Yes sir.
- Attorney to Kirby: We'll hop right to it.
- [the attorneys excitedly disperse and exit the room as Tony still looks unenthused]
- Attorney to Kirby: I have a meeting with my net-rate group later this afternoon.
- Attorney to Kirby: Oh good.
- Anthony P. Kirby: [his secretary hands him a glass of bicarbonate soda] Ten thousand a year for doctors and I'm still taking this stuff.
- [reluctantly takes a drink]
- Boris Kolenkhov: The perfect hobby should improve the body as well as the mind. The Romans were great people. Why? What was their hobby? Wrestling. In wrestling you must think quick with the mind and act quick with the body.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, I-I agree with you. When I was young I was pretty good at it myself. Unfortunately as one grows older...
- Boris Kolenkhov: Foolishness! Once a wrestler, you will never forget. I have not done it in six years, but I forget niet! Look:
- [suddenly causes a minor scene by picking up Mr. Kirby over his shoulders in a wrestling move, spinning him around, and throwing him down on the floor while everyone scrambles to their feet in shock/confusion/assistance/etc]
- Alice Sycamore: Sit down Mr. Kirby.
- [while brushing him off]
- Anthony P. Kirby: My glasses, where are my glasses?
- Penny Sycamore: Here they are. Oh Mr. Kirby, they're broken.
- Boris Kolenkhov: I am sorry, but when you wrestle again Mr. Kirby, you will of course not wear your glasses.
- Anthony P. Kirby: [frustrated] I do not *intend* to wrestle again.
- Grandpa Martin Vanderhof: That was very silly Kolenkhov, I'm sorry you did that. I'm sorry Mr. Kirby.
- [first lines]
- Doorman: [opening the car door for Kirby] Good morning, Mr. Kirby.
- Anthony P. Kirby: Good morning.