- Taxi Driver: Well, here you are Lord Helpless, this is Reno.
- Lord Epping: You know, I don't think you took the shortest route.
- Taxi Driver: No matter what you think, this will just set you back 685 bucks.
- Lord Epping: [confused by the slang term for dollars] Bucks? Bucks?
- Taxi Driver: Yes, bucks.
- Lord Epping: How much is that in Pounds?
- Taxi Driver: I don't know. We don't charge by weight, we charge by the mile. And it's *still* 685 dollars!
- Aunt Della Lindsay: When I think of Dennis married to that little... I just can't say the word.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Ah, don't kid me. You know all the words.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: I should. You use them often enough.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: You're too observing.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Listen, sweetheart, nobody's going to follow in my footsteps.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Not and stay in decent company.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: It seems to me I better get a new address book for my mail.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: You better just get a new address.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh! If I wasn't a lady, I would scream. But, I won't! I won't!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Shhh!
- Carmelita Lindsay: Ahhhhh!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: What'a the matter?
- Carmelita Lindsay: I'm no lady.
- Carmelita Lindsay: I'm through with Dennis forever. As soon as he gets home, I'm going.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Going? Going where?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Home. Mexico.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Oh, don't be silly.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Matthew, I'm sure Carmelita knows her own mind.
- Carmelita Lindsay: That's right.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Maybe the girl realizes she should have never left Mexico.
- Carmelita Lindsay: What's that?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Hey, what are you trying to cook up?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Well, what ever she's cooking, it doesn't smell so good.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: You know, you're a pretty bad girl for running away the way you did. I ought to put you over my knee and give you a good spanking!
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh? It would be much nicer if Dennis could do that.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: You don't understand. I want to know where I can leave my husband.
- Withers: You're right. I don't understand.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: I want to leave my husband!
- Withers: Well, where is he?
- Aunt Della Lindsay: I left him!
- Carmelita Lindsay: Wonderful, Uncle Matt! If I didn't know you were not Lord Epping, I know you were! If you were not Uncle Matt. Get it?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Well, I can splash it around until I do find out what you're talking about.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: The surprise is gone! I mean, no spontaneity. There's no bubble to it. The bloom is off the peach, now.
- Carmelita Lindsay: What's the matter with you? You getting scared?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Scared? No!
- Carmelita Lindsay: We must keep a stiff upper mouth!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Upper mouth?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Sure.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Upper lip!
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh, I don't care.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Oh, I'm so sorry I get so mad. But, every time I see that Elizabeth with you, well, I just - I just see pink!
- Withers: I'm very glad if you do get a divorce! So, why don't you - pssst - to Reno!
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Pssst - why don't you say that before? Reno?
- Withers: Reno!
- Aunt Della Lindsay: Reno!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: If I'm lucky enough to get a moose?
- Aunt Della Lindsay: A moose?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Yeah, a moose, you know, moose. Yes, Denny and I are going moose hunting in Kansas.
- Dennis 'Denny' Lindsay: Canada.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Cansas. That's my French pronunciation, honey. Yes, yes. I understand the moose are biting up there pretty well now.
- Aunt Della Lindsay: I warned you that cunning little trickster would get you into trouble.
- Carmelita Lindsay: I'd get him into trouble?
- Withers: I think you're pretty low down, Carmelita. Pulling a trick like this.
- Carmelita Lindsay: I'm low down?
- Withers: And that's putting it mildly!
- Carmelita Lindsay: Well, you gonna get in a lot more trouble if somebody shows this to Aunt Della.
- [picks up a newspaper]
- Carmelita Lindsay: And she finds out that instead of hunting moosey-cows in Canada, you been hunting beauty prize in Reno.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Yes, but somebody isn't going to show it to Aunt Delia.
- Carmelita Lindsay: I know somebody who will.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Yeah? Who?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Me. I'm going to mail-black you.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: I'd like to see you do it.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Well, I'm gonna do it... You want to see me do it?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Go ahead. Go on, go on, go on.
- Carmelita Lindsay: I'm gonna do it. I'm going.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Well, I'm not worrying. Go ahead. Go ahead.
- Carmelita Lindsay: You can't stop me.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: You think you're gonna - Carmelita! Carmelita!
- [runs after her]
- Carmelita Lindsay: I knew I'd win.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: All right, you win.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Hey, Uncle Matt, come here. You know, I think the trick, she work. Dennis look awfully mad when he saw you making love to me. Oh, everything is gonna be hunky dory!
- Carmelita Lindsay: Now, do you know what to do when you see Dennis?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: What?
- Carmelita Lindsay: You make violet love to me.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Violet love?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Yes!
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Violent!
- Carmelita Lindsay: Well, I don't care what color it is, just as long as you do it. Do you know how?
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Well, I'm a little out of practice, but I'll try.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Chumley wants me to sign Lord Epping's name to that contract. You know what that means, don't you?
- Carmelita Lindsay: Sí. Sing Sing.
- Uncle Matt Lindsay: Yeah, but I don't want to see Sing Sing. I certainly will if I sign that contract. Look what a spot I'm in.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Yes, Uncle Matt, you're in an awful picklement.
- Carmelita Lindsay: [sitting on Lord Epping's lap] There is one thing you haven't said for at least 10 minutes. You haven't told me how much you loved me.
- Lady Ada Epping: [walking in the room] Basil!
- Lord Epping: Ada!
- [stands up, Carmelita falls to the floor]
- Lord Epping: Oh, I say. Now, look here, I don't know how this whole thing started.
- Carmelita Lindsay: [Uncle Matt, disguised as Lord Epping, enters the room] Sit down my little tootsie-wootsie. So you be more comfy. There.
- [sits on his lap]
- Mr. Chumley: You mean to say you never told her you were a married man?
- Carmelita Lindsay: No. He didn't tell me a thing about it. You took my heart! Which she didn't want. And you kicked her around like if it was a dirty shirt. You've been trifling with my afflictions. You - ambiguous!
- Lady Ada Epping: I consider this a disgraceful affair - and that *she* is a frightfully vulgar person.
- Carmelita Lindsay: Really! You hear what she call me? You know what I'm gonna do? The minute he sues me for divorce, I'm gonna sue you - for everything in the books! You mutt! I teach you not to go around promising bridges.