Doris Day credited as playing...
Calamity Jane
- [the singer is a man in drag]
- Wild Bill Hickok: She ain't very good lookin'
- Calamity Jane: That ain't all she ain't.
- Calamity Jane: Excitement? Why, I got more arrows in the back of that coach than a porcupine has got stickers!
- [Bill is dressed as an Indian woman with a baby]
- Calamity Jane: Gosh almighty, it's Bill Hickok!
- [proceeds to laugh along with everyone else]
- Wild Bill Hickok: [hands baby over] Here take him.
- [stands up]
- Wild Bill Hickok: The next man that laughs is gonna get his head ventilated.
- [silence and Bill sits down. Calamity laughs again after a few moments]
- Wild Bill Hickok: [finds a gun hidden in Calamity's wedding dress] What's this fer?
- Calamity Jane: Awww... just in case any more actresses come in from Chicagy!
- Calamity Jane: That's better. Next time I tell a story, keep your hands in your *pockets* you toothless old buffalo!
- Calamity Jane: [singing] Hi Joe / say where'd you get them fancy clothes? / I know / off some fella's laundry line. / Hi Bow / aren't you the prairie rose / Smell like a watermelon vine.
- Calamity Jane: This town ain't big enough! Not for me and that frilled-up, flirtin', man-rustlin' petticoat, it ain't!