- Doc Curtis: Ever seen any spots before your eyes?
- Tom Destry: Only when I play poker.
- Doc Curtis: They're the worst kind.
- [Martha shoots her pistols into the floor]
- Tom Destry: What's the big idea?
- Martha Phillips: Well, I've been in town all day and I heard that the only way one could get any attention around here was do a little promiscuous shooting.
- [last lines]
- Tom Destry: Which reminds me of a book I read once. It was all about a fellow and a girl - they had the doggonedest time gettin' together. Oh, it wasn't her fault. It wasn't exactly his fault, either. It was just a whole lot of mix-ups kept 'em apart. One day, this fella...
- Martha Phillips: You know something? You read too many books!
- [they embrace]
- Tom Destry: Yeah. But there comes a time when a fella just has to stop readin' so much.
- Tom Destry: What about the Doc? Is he any good?
- Reginald T. 'Rags' Barnaby: I had a dog once. He got all swelled up. Doc wanted to operate. The next day I had six of the prettiest puppies you've ever seen.
- Tom Destry: You know, I don't hold too much for first impressions. The way I figure it, the last impression is important.
- Tom Destry: Folks, I hate to interrupt your fun, but I got something important to say to you. I just found out how Sheriff Bailey died.
- Phil Decker: I understood Bailey died of a heart attack.
- Tom Destry: That seems to be the rumor around town. If he did die of a heart attack, that's because he heard a bullet coming at him.
- Bartender: Are you going to take over the whole job now?
- Tom Destry: What job?
- Bartender: Well, Rags was just in here and traded this
- [his sheriff's badge]
- Bartender: for a jug. I guess he figured it was better to be a first-rate drunk than a second-rate sheriff.
- Tom Destry: You make an exception in one case, you may as well not have the law. You can understand that, can't you?
- Eli Skinner: I guess, I'm not old enough to understand anything like that.
- Tom Destry: Well, you'll probably never get old enough to understand a woman.
- [Destry is checking all the saloon patron's guns]
- The Honorable Hiram J. Sellers, Mayor: I'm like you, I never carry a gun. I prefer a bow and arrow.
- [Destry digs bullets out of the saloon wall]
- Phil Decker: What are you doing?
- Tom Destry: I forgot to tell you about a hobby of mine. I collect old, used bullets
- Tom Destry: I bet you got a beautiful face underneath all that paint. Why don't you wipe it off someday and take a look at it. You might be surprised.
- Tom Destry: Everytime I start asking questions, the people kind of look vague and sort of drift away.
- The Honorable Hiram J. Sellers, Mayor: What kind of questions?
- Tom Destry: Oh, just ordinary things. Like what really happened to Sheriff Bailey?
- The Honorable Hiram J. Sellers, Mayor: I knew a fella once who made himself real unpopular asking questions. It got so nobody talked to him. He died lonely. You might keep that in mind.
- [Skinner has lost his the deed to his ranch in a crooked card game]
- Tom Destry: This gives Decker the land. I can't run him off his own property.
- Martha Phillips: And you're the one that talked so much about justice and law and order.
- Tom Destry: I'm sorry, ma'am. I'd rather be horse-whipped.
- Martha Phillips: And I'd like to be the one to do it!
- Doc Curtis: Take off your shirt.
- Tom Destry: There's nothing wrong with me, Doc.
- Doc Curtis: I know - you're not married.
- Tom Destry: Aren't you afraid you'll catch cold?
- Brandy: I needed some fresh air.
- Tom Destry: You ought to get plenty of it in that outfit.
- The Honorable Hiram J. Sellers, Mayor: Deliver the prisoner at ten o'clock - Decker's Saloon. It's the only place in town big enough to hold a trial.
- Tom Destry: Now you get this straight! We don't want anymore of this promiscuous shooting aournd here. Somebody is likely to get hurt!
- The Honorable Hiram J. Sellers, Mayor: As the poet says, "Life is real, life is earnest and the goal is but the grave." Or words to that affect. It is my sorrowful duty to inform you that one of our fellow townsmen has just made that goal. Our esteemed sheriff, Joseph Bailey, is no longer with us. In the absence of other officials, and in the interest of law and order, and in accordance with ordinance number eight thousand and, ah, six-five-four, I must appoint a temporary successor. I have considered this matter seriously, and sought the advice of prominent citizens. I have decided to appoint a sheriff, a man who is not without experience as a peace officer. A man you all love and respect, Mr... ah, what's his name again?
- Brandy: Looking for someone, Sheriff?
- Sheriff Joe Bailey: I just want to find out what Decker's running up there - a poker game or a land grab.
- Tom Destry: Do you have the authority to swear me in as Deputy?
- The Honorable Hiram J. Sellers, Mayor: I thought that had already been taken care of.
- Tom Destry: Seems like it kind of got overlooked and I think it ought to be done before I start work.
- The Honorable Hiram J. Sellers, Mayor: Well, I'll be glad to help you son. The moment I laid eye on you I figured you was the right man for the job.
- Tom Destry: Sort of the way I figured it, too.
- The Honorable Hiram J. Sellers, Mayor: Besides, like the fellow said, if anything goes wrong, it's your funeral.
- The Honorable Hiram J. Sellers, Mayor: By the power invested in me, I appoint you Deputy Sheriff. I hope you don't live to regret it.