- Joseph: We came here to rob them and that's what we're gonna do - beat their heads in, gouge their eyes out, cut their throats. Soon as we wash the dishes.
- Joseph: Jules, you rush in and tell him before it's too late. Tell him there's a snake in that box.
- Jules: He won't believe me. He doesn't like me.
- Joseph: Albert, maybe you ought to run in and warn him.
- Albert: Why don't we cut cards for it?
- Joseph: Good idea. I'll get the cards.
- [Long pause as he slowly saunters over to get a deck of cards and returns]
- Joseph: Who cuts first?
- Felix Ducotel: Don't misunderstand me. It's true that I never liked my cousin, only because he was not likable. He had a number of good points, I'm sure. I just can't think of any.
- Amelie Ducotel: I'd like to talk to you if can spare a few minutes.
- Joseph: A man sentenced to life can always spare a few minutes.
- Jules: [after failing to get any of the Ducotels to discover a body] Isn't that always the way? When you have a body you don't want found everybody falls all over it!
- Joseph: It's true. He died in his sleep.
- Felix Ducotel: That was very considerate of him.
- Amelie Ducotel: I don't know what to do.
- Felix Ducotel: The first thing to do is make sure that he's dead. I don't trust him.
- [Joseph brings Andre a spiny pineapple on a plate to eat with no utensils]
- Andre Trochard: Knife! Fork! How am I supposed to eat that?
- Joseph: [matter-of-factly] You eat it like an apple.
- [Joseph gives him a look like this is common knowledge]
- Joseph: That's the way it is, "in the midst of life," et cetera, et cetera, I forget the rest of it.
- Jules: Christmas has always been a wonderful time for me. In fact, that's how I got into trouble. I came home and found my wife giving my friend a... present.
- Amelie Ducotel: What a shame.
- Jules: Oh, it was my fault entirely. I should have written and told her I was coming.
- Jules: [seeing Isabelle for the first time] I have a daughter about her age. She looked like her mother. Lovely woman, her mother. Wish I'd married her.
- Amelie Ducotel: [Speaking of their daughter] Look! Every page of her diary... how much she loves him!
- Felix Ducotel: [Befuddled] Hmmm? What? You - you - you read her private thoughts?
- Amelie Ducotel: Why do you think I gave her the diary?
- Jules: [Talking about Joseph] That's his life - selling people things they don't want for more than they can afford to buy.
- Amelie Ducotel: Do you really think your cousin would let his nephew marry our daughter?
- Felix Ducotel: Why not, my family is just as good as his, in fact it's the same family.
- Albert: A man doesn't travel 4000 miles just to prove he's a louse, he could do that in a letter, like I always did.
- Amelie Ducotel: Your rooms are just about ready. We're moving out to the stable.
- Andre Trochard: Oh, please, no details. I'm not interested.