- [in court]
- Joe McDoakes: ...not guilty.
- Judge: I beg your pardon?
- Joe McDoakes: I said I'm not guilty, your honor.
- Judge: You realize that by pleading guilty and paying two dollars, the case will be dismissed?
- Joe McDoakes: I don't want it dismissed. I'm not guilty. What kind of a city is this anyhow? You got signals that go up and down and up and down and up and down.
- Judge: Do you waive a trial by jury?
- Joe McDoakes: I waive nothing. I want the best jury in the country. I wouldn't trust my fate in the hands of any one servant of this this corrupted city.
- Judge: All right. Jury trial, date to be set. Defendant pleads not guilty. You're free to go now, Mr. McDoakes.
- Joe McDoakes: Darn right I am.
- Judge: Except for one thing.
- Judge: What?
- Judge: The fine for contempt of court is fifty dollars.
- Joe McDoakes: [shouts] Fifty dollars?
- Judge: Seventy-five.
- Joe McDoakes: [shouts] For what?
- Judge: One hundred. Step over to the bailiff.
- [last lines]
- [at a traffic light]
- Joe McDoakes: [sighs] Ooh, it's sure swell to be a free man again, honey. Y'know, it's a good thing they let me out. When they did I, I was getting to be a real convict. Ha ha.
- Alice McDoakes: Yes dear, you had me a little worried.
- [traffic light signal changes]
- Alice McDoakes: Come on Joe, the signal changed.
- Joe McDoakes: Ah.
- [the car passes the sign and again it starts going up and down. McDoakes stumbles upon the crossroad and a cop approaches him]
- Joe McDoakes: [talking fast] I'm guilty. I know. I did it. I went through the red light. I'm sorry, kay. Look here. I'll pay you now. There's the two dollars, take it.
- Joe McDoakes: Listen, Officer, why don't you do something about the crazy signals in this town. Up and down and down and up and up and down!
- Officer Flanagan - Traffic Cop: There you are Mr. McDoakes.
- [hands Joe a traffic ticket]
- Officer Flanagan - Traffic Cop: Better watch those traffic signals after this.
- [walks away]
- Joe McDoakes: Why that flat-footed, lame-brained, pin-headed...
- Alice McDoakes: Oh, don't get yourself too upset, Joe. It'll only cost you two dollars.
- Prosecuting Attorney: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is your duty, as American citizens, to find this man guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
- Alice McDoakes: That judge gave you another 30 days and fined you a thousand dollars for contempt, again. And here's the bill from the lawyer. He wants five hundred dollars. Oh, if you'd only paid the two dollars.
- Alice McDoakes: I brought you something. What? You're favorite kind of cake: tutti frutti nestlerode.
- Convict: Look me up when you get out. I got the sweetest little racket you ever heard of. Signal fixin'.
- Joe McDoakes: Signal fixin'?
- Convict: Radar. You push a little button in your car, the signal changes from stop to go. You always got the green light.