- The Old Roman: I have in the course of my experience as a teacher had to deal with imbeciles, had to deal with near idiots, but for sheer monumental asininity I have never met the equal of this aggregation.
- The Big Man: One day I ate five double jiggers and 14 donuts, and I was still hungry.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Listen, how would you like to go down in history? How would you like to leave a mark on this school that brings honor to the name of...
- The Big Man: ... of Joshua Montgomery Smeed. I'd like that very much.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: With your brains, you could do something important for me. But first, with my brains and your appetite, I can do something very important for you.
- Samuel H. Stover, Sr.: Did you deliberately set off that explosion and blow out the wall of the academy building?
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: It could have happened to anybody.
- Samuel H. Stover, Sr.: What could have happened to anybody?
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: One of the boys in the chemistry class said you couldn't make dynamite without using special machinery. He was wrong.
- Samuel H. Stover, Sr.: Was anybody hurt?
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: The teacher got her coat blown off. But it was a warm night and what was she doing wearing a coat?
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Miss Brown, I am John H. Stover. I've come to call.
- Connie Brown: I'm... I'm delighted Mr. Stover.
- [She curtsies and he bows]
- Connie Brown: Won't you sit down?
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Thank you, I will.
- [He sits]
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: I trust your mother and father are well.
- Connie Brown: Their fine.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: And your sister?
- Connie Brown: Oh, she's fine too.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Have you seen Miss Maude Adams in a new play this season?
- Connie Brown: I have.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: I like Maude Adams.
- Tennessee Shad: All you got to remember, Dink, is that you are on the inside now... with everybody.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Everybody except Tough McCarty.
- Tennessee Shad: Aw, Dink. Tough isn't a bad guy, Dink. He won't...
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Tough and I are gonna fight it out when the right time comes. Tough knows it and I know it.
- Tennessee Shad: Well, Dink, if it's a feud, then that's your private affair with Tough.
- Tennessee Shad: [At the soda shop] My boy, I'd gladly give up all my hard-earned wealth to be you. Tasting your first jigger. I'll serve up a nice, creamy, double strawberry jigger. On me.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: No, I'll pay for us both.
- Tennessee Shad: I wouldn't think of it. I'm not the lowdown sort to take advantage of a newcomer.
- The Old Roman: Stover, this morning I noted your name among those volunteering to come out to the Kennedy House football team. May I remind you that it can be my privilege to forbid all athletic activities to any student whose scholastics are unsatisfactory?
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Is that all, sir?
- The Old Roman: That's all. Except, Stover, I presume you know that McCarty is the captain of the Kennedy team.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: You bet I know.
- The Old Roman: But perhaps you don't know that this year I myself will coach the Kennedy team. And speaking purely as the coach, I'm consumed with curiosity as to whether or not we shall see you on the football team this Saturday.
- Samuel H. Stover, Sr.: John Stover, did you paint Mrs. Cameron's white horse green?
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: I did the horse a favor.
- Samuel H. Stover, Sr.: Why?
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Well, the flies were bothering him something awful. So, I painted him green. Same color as the grass. So, the flies couldn't see him.
- Sambo: That's the most outrageous thing I ever heard of.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: No, it isn't. I stayed there an hour after I painted him green. The flies didn't bother him at all.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: [to his teacher] Any place would be better than this. Where a boy don't get a square deal. Listen, I'm not coming back to Lawrenceville in the fall. I'm going to a reform school where I can meet a better class of people.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Tough, I guess there won't be any fight between you and me now.
- Tough McCarty: No, not now.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: What'd we get a grudge for anyway?
- Tough McCarty: I don't know. I always liked you, Dink, but you wouldnt have it.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: I was a mean little varmint. It's a wonderful school, Tough.
- Tough McCarty: You bet it is. Say, Dink, next year you and I will be whipping the new little varmints into shape ourselves.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: I'm gonna see all the kids in my House walk a chalk line.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: [On the football field] Let's see if you've got any nerve today, McCarty.
- Tough McCarty: Stover, normally I'm a nice, social guy, but today I'm going to squash you like a fly.
- Samuel H. Stover, Sr.: Hello, Sambo. What is it and how did the news reach Yale University?
- Mrs. Stover: [Tearfully] -=There was an explosion at the academy and it blew out the sides of a building and it blew It could have killed everybody. They say that John did it.
- Samuel H. Stover, Sr.: I brought him home.
- Sambo: Dad, we'll never have a moment's peace unless you do something drastic about that young heathen right now.
- Samuel H. Stover, Sr.: In the last two years we have lost half our friends and, well,...
- Mrs. Stover: Oh, no, Samuel. Not reform school. Please.
- Sambo: Why not reform school?
- Samuel H. Stover, Sr.: Of course, there is one private school I know of. A school with a fine tradition among its students that manages to take pretty nearly any young heathen into a good Christian.
- The Old Roman: Gentlemen, we've played two games so far this season and, frankly, the Kennedy House is ashamed of us. You're not together. You're not playing like a team. Private grudges, personal rivalries, disastrous morale. Now, next week we are playing our traditional rival, the Dickinson House. Oh, I don't expect you to beat Dickinson. But we're going to make our House cheer for us again. We're going to show that if we can't win, we can go down fighting. Beaten in points but undefeated in spirit.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Well old sport, ta-ta. Good luck. Hope you sell out your line.
- The Old Roman: Thanks. Don't forget about the ginger. Sock it to them.
- John Humperdink 'Dink' Stover: Well old cockywax. Put this in your pipe and smoke it. I'm gonna own this school.