- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: [Seeing lion] Let's get outta here.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: [Referring to lion] Aw, scared of his own shadow.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: I'm scared of it too.
- Tim Harveigh: Don't worry, Red, we'll get you out of it. All we have to do is dig up some legal talent.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Say, haven't you got a nephew who's a lawyer?
- Tim Harveigh: Yeah, but we want to get you out of it.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Just don't say too much. Be simple and clean cut. Remember you're all things to all men. A sort of cross between Eisenhower and Little Abner.
- Commodore John Balwind Parker: Oh now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Jim may be a little tired but at least he's known. To the people of this town Jim Michell's a household word.
- Jerry Nolard Boyle: But they won't use it in front of the children.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Darndest thing, that Maguire temper. Always seems to skip a generation. Take my father, for instance. Meek and mild as a lamb. His father was a bruiser. Knocked out Fitzsimmons in Butte, Montana.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Montana.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Of course, it wasn't in the ring, it was in a saloon. And he wasn't wearing gloves, he hit him with a cuspidor.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Say, how come you've never been married?
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Well... hnh?
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: You know you're not the youngest thing in town.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: For what possible reason could a sensible man get mixed up with a girl like that?
- Leon: I can think of a couple.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Outside of that.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Boy, what a night. Been doing a little campaigning for you. You know the, uh, chili joint over on 4th Street?
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Uh-huh.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: You know the place. The small blonde with the big hamburgers.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: What's the matter, you yellow or something?
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Yellow? If I had wheels I'd be a taxi cab.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: A fine way to be running a campaign. I don't mind your kissing babies, but they're supposed to be little ones in their mother's arms.
- Leon: Mr. Maxwell, I, I should like to discuss a matter of economics.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Discuss.
- Leon: For the past year, I've been operating on the basis of deficit financing. Which, while it may be a necessity to the federal government, still, to an individual like myself, it wreaks havoc in terms of the basic necessities of existence.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Meaning?
- Leon: I want a raise.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Say, haven't you got a nephew who's a lawyer?
- Tim Harveigh: Yeah, but we wanna get you out of it.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: [Asking Andy Hale about the women he had dated] What are they like?
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: You know - standard equipment.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Then why haven't you ever been married?
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: They were either too standard or not enough equipment.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Oh... .OH!
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: I suppose you can tell by now that I'm a pretty forthright person.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Yes, you certainly are.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: And, if I have anything to say, I come right out and say it.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: I'm sure you do.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: I have an instinct for these things, and I kind of feel that there's a little something cooking between us.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Tha... Really?
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: I'm sorry. I guess I should have warned you about Herman.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: I don't know why. He's only a man-eating lion.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Herman? Aw, he's just a crazy old pussy cat.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Does pussy cat have the run of the house?
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Well, he only came in because he thought it was time for dinner.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: He was looking at me like I was on the menu.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: We've had him since he was a little thing. He was brought up on milk.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: So was I, but I learned to eat meat later.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Now, remember, when you get in there, watch your step. You're not talking to the Temperance League or the $50 Every Friday lunch.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Look, Arty, I wrote the act. I think I can speak the lines.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: If I ran him over with an automobile, would I stuff him and put him on the wall?
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Well, just the head and shoulders.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Don't look now, but pussy cat's back.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Now really, you can't be afraid of Herman.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Can't, huh?
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: No. Just turn and tell hm to go away.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Now, if it's not too much trouble, what'd you find out?
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: A baby mountain goat takes four ounces of male every three hours.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Oh, a baby mountain goat, not a full grown one.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Cutest thing you ever saw.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: How would you know?
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: I gave birth to one this afternoon.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Oh, really? I didn't know you were married"
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Look, if I've gotta have a crooked machine, it's gonna be my crooked machine. I'll oil it, grease it, tell it when to start, when to stop. Who gets on, who gets off. Any questions?
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: I tell you, Hale, before you waste all that time and money, I think it's much smarter to find out if there's anything there or not. Don't you?
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: [Having a problem shooing Herman away] He doesn't hear very well.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Show your authority. Let him know who's master.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: He seems to know.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Now, don't forget! You're strictly the Boy Scout. You don't know from nothing.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Relax, will you? We wouldn't even be here if they weren't stuck for a candidate.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Remember - you're all things to all men - a sort of cross between Eisenhower and Little Abner.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Oh, please, I didn't come this far to blow it now.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Well, you'll be all right. Just be the sort of fellow my mother would like my sister to marry.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: That's any fellow.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: The broom! The broom!
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: What does she want me to do with it?
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Wave it!
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: I think I've got some wonderful news for your father.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Wonderful!
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: How've you been?
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Wonderful.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Wonderful!
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: You?
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Wonderful.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Wonderful!
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: I promise you - this is one Fourth of July Orphan Andy will never forget.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: [On speaking at Kathy's organized Fourth of July campaign rounds] ... the hardiness of you Dutch.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: This is a fine and courageous thing he's done.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Greatness doesn't care who wears its mantle.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: It's true. There is a kind of simple nobility about him.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: There's a bit of Abe Lincoln in that boy. He places honor and duty above dollars and cents.
- Leon: That I can vouch for.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: [On speaking at Kathy's organized Fourth of July campaign rounds] Senoras et senors, there is no more fitting day than the Fourth of July to salute the descendants of a nation that has given us the courage of Juarez, the statesmanship of a Diaz, and the immortal artistry of a Diego Rivera.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: [On speaking at Kathy's organized Fourth of July campaign rounds] ... the industry of you Swiss.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Leon, the vicissitudes of our competitive economy based on an equilibrium of supply and demand make any realignment of fiduciary relationships highly untenable, if not reductio ad absurdum.
- Leon: Meaning?
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: No.
- [to Leon's request for a raise]
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Tim, you just gotta help.
- Tim Harveigh: When I think of some of the things women have talked me into the past 49 years.
- Kathleen 'Kathy' Maguire: Well, I'll bet they're not bad.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: Arty, suppose she says no?
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: You don't have that kinda luck.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: [On speaking at Kathy's organized Fourth of July campaign rounds] Perhaps, like no other people, you Italian-Americans have brought us a heritage - the courage of Caesar, the patriotism of Garibaldi, and the genius of Marconi.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: [On speaking at Kathy's organized Fourth of July campaign rounds] I say, America's life blood has been enriched a thousandfold by the tradition and culture of you good people from Greece.
- Andrew 'Andy' Rockton Hale: [On speaking at Kathy's organized Fourth of July campaign rounds] ... the romance and dynamism of our good friends from Hungary.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Do you realize how mulch it's worth for a young man to associate with a firm like Maxwell and Hale?
- Leon: $35 a week.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: Now, Leon, when are you going to realize that money isn't everything?
- Leon: With me, it isn't anything.
- Arthur 'Artie' Colner Maxwell: We'll discuss this after lunch.
- Leon: Who can afford to eat?