- Inspector Byrnes: You know, sometimes I think the Blitz left us with more derelict minds than derelict buildings.
- Kit Preston: With or without onions?
- Peggy: With! When your husband's 10,000 miles away, what does it matter?
- Anthony Preston: You wouldn't want an irresponsible husband.
- Kit Preston: No, darling. Just a husband.
- Kit Preston: Don't ever change.
- Aunt Bea: I try not to, but the bills at the beauty parlor get bigger every year.
- [debating whether to call the police late at night]
- Anthony Preston: Anyway, we'd better let the Inspector know. No reason why he shouldn't have insomnia with the rest of us.
- Peggy: At least your husband comes home at night. All I have of Roy is a signature at the bottom of a weekly letter. Try cuddling up with THAT.
- [Anthony Preston calls late at night]
- Inspector Byrnes: No, not at all, Mr. Preston. We're here to be disturbed.
- Anthony Preston: How's Bea? Did she bring any stuffed heads back with her?
- Kit Preston: One. She met him on the plane.
- Aunt Bea: I was once in Dublin for the horse show, and I got a call at the Sheldon Room from a man who wanted to dress me in black underwear. Personally, mind you! It was the most *stimulating* minute-and-a-half I spent in Ireland!
- Creepy Voice: Careful, Mrs. Preston. I wouldn't want you to get hurt. Not yet.
- Brian Younger: Before the war I planned on being an architect. But that meant an office and four walls. I even sleep out under the stars whenever I can. Camping trips and things like that.
- Kit Preston: That's fine if you're married to a Girl Scout.
- Inspector Byrnes: Now, Mrs. Covent. Do you recollect exactly what your niece said to you on the phone?
- Aunt Bea: Yes. She said, "Aunt Bea, help me, help me."
- Inspector Byrnes: And what did you assume she meant, Mrs. Covent?
- Aunt Bea: That she needed help, Inspector!
- Anthony Preston: Doesn't he think it's dangerous leaving an attractive girl alone for months on end?
- Creepy Voice: We all meet death somewhere along the way.
- Aunt Bea: "Swan Lake" makes me terribly thirsty.
- Charles Manning: Must have something to do with those long necks.
- Inspector Byrnes: Your wife's in good health, I suppose?
- Anthony Preston: Hmm? Yes. Like a young racehorse. Why?
- Anthony Preston: Oh darling, I've got a job to do. You wouldn't want an irresponsible husband?
- Kit Preston: No, Tony. Just a husband.
- Anthony Preston: Take Bea. She's a gay soul. At least you'll have a chuckle or two.
- Kit Preston: That's the way I've always dreamed of going to Venice. The moon on the Grand Canal, and the gondolier singing, and Aunt Bea beside me... chuckling.