Buddy Ebsen credited as playing...
Jed Clampett
- Granny: Elly May done popped the buttons off her shirt again.
- Jed Clampett: Elly May carries herself proud with her shoulders throwed back.
- Granny: It ain't her shoulders that have been poppin' these buttons.
- Jethro: [Jed and Jehtro are discussing a "fast" girl back in the hills] Uncle Jed, she handed me a big old sugar cookie, looked at me and said, "Jehtro, if you had a choice between that cookie and me, which one would you take". Uncle Jed, that's when I found out just how fast she was!
- [Jed leans in close to hear the rest of the story]
- Jethro: I had to run nearly a mile to get away from her with that cookie!
- Jed Clampett: [Disgusted] Jethro, some day me and you got to have a long talk.
- Jed Clampett: Boy, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to clean up all this mess.
- Jethro: Aw come on, Uncle Jed. I'm gonna clean up. I'm gonna set this world on fire!
- Jed Clampett: You're gonna clean up alright. Everything. Or you're gonna end up with the seat of your britches on fire.
- Widow Fenwick: [buxom elderly millionaress who wants Jed to come in with her as a business partner on a real estate development venture she calls Honeymoon Lane] I need a partner who will come into Honeymoon Lane with me. I have the license, and I have the heavy equipment.
- Jed Clampett: Well, ma'am, them's the kinda things a man likes to find out fer himself.
- Jed Clampett: [bounces a golf ball on the kitchen table, thinking it's a "golf egg"] Strictly speakin', I don't think these are fresh laid.
- Jed Clampett: [Jethro has decided that he'd like to become a Bullfighter, and has asked Jed if they can get a bull, so he can practice. Jed presents the idea to Granny] Granny, I got a idea. Let's get us a bull.
- Granny: What?
- Jed Clampett: Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue.
- Granny: But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it!
- Jed Clampett: Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull.
- Granny: Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt?
- Jed Clampett: Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself.
- Granny: Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it!
- Jed Clampett: This way, he can do both!
- Jed Clampett: [to an obviously revolted Mr. Drysdale] That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day.
- Jed Clampett: When Mrs. Drysdale gets home she's gonna call the PO-lice!
- Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it'd look like a BEAVER done it!