- Mike Edwards: Hey kid, how would you like to kick me in the shin?
- Boy: How would I like to kick you in the shin?
- Mike Edwards: Uhum.
- Boy: Mister are you drunk?
- Mike Edwards: No. I'll tell you what, if you kick me in the shin I'll give you a quarter, here.
- [Gives the boy a quarter and the boy kicks him]
- Mike Edwards: [in pain] Yeoww! That's good! Thanks kid.
- [limps off]
- Boy: [shaking his head] Adults, they're all nuts!
- Henry Johnson: [walks in on Dorothy and Mike "relaxing" on the couch] Well?
- Dorothy Johnson: Well, you're home early.
- Henry Johnson: I'd say we got home just in time!
- Emma Johnson: I hope!
- Mike Edwards: We were just going to have some iced tea. Would you like to join us?
- Henry Johnson: Get me my gun, Emma.
- Mike Edwards: And if you don't like iced tea, I can go get some beer.
- Henry Johnson: I said to get my gun!
- Danny Burke: You didn't tell me she was put together like that!
- Mike Edwards: Can't you tell a nice girl when you meet one?
- Danny Burke: Oh oh! Now he's a cub scout. What happened, somebody steal your wolf whistle?
- Mike Edwards: My name is Mike Edwards. I'd like to start over again, Miss Warren.
- Diane Warren: The only thing that I want you to start, Mr. Edwards, is *out*!
- Mike Edwards: Look, I know I have a tendency to press, but it's a personality flaw. Basically, I'm not a bad guy, really.
- Diane Warren: Do you want me to call the guard?
- Mike Edwards: I like it better with just the two of us.
- Mike Edwards: When I was all alone up in the blue with Bessie, I just didn't feel the need for anybody else.
- Diane Warren: "Bessie"?
- Mike Edwards: She's my airplane.
- Diane Warren: Oh, you're a flyer?
- Mike Edwards: Yeah. 9,000 hours in the air. 8,000 with a plane.
- Diane Warren: There is *nothing* in either eye.
- Mike Edwards: Well, maybe it's right in the middle, just passing under my nose, and going from one eye to the other?
- Diane Warren: I'm afraid that would be medically impossible.
- Mike Edwards: Well, you can't tell. Science is making new discoveries every day.
- Diane Warren: Yes. And it's too bad they haven't come up with a wolf repellant!
- Mike Edwards: Diane, believe me, the kid is an absolute stranger!
- Diane Warren: And you're an absolute liar!... As far as I'm concerned, you can go back up the Space Needle and jump off!
- Danny Burke: You going to give up flying?
- Mike Edwards: Well, not exactly. I've been thinking about signing up for something in the Space Program.
- Danny Burke: Space! Beautiful! You'd be perfect for it - you got a head full of it!
- Second Attendant: [Mike brings Sue Lin to the nurse's station] Good heavens, what's the matter?
- Sue Lin: I got a stomach ache.
- Mike Edwards: She kinda' went overboard on the groceries, ma'am. I'm afraid it's my fault.
- Second Attendant: That's generally the case. Are you all right?
- Mike Edwards: Oh, sure. My stomach went through 3 years in the Army, ha ha.
- [the nurse is not amused]
- Mike Edwards: [singing] Don't know where I'm going, Don't know where it ends, Till the grass is greener, beyond the bend...
- Dorothy Johnson: [kissing on the couch] Please, Mike, I think I better make us some iced tea.
- Mike Edwards: Cool down, honey. You're like a fluttering bird.
- [kiss]
- Dorothy Johnson: I really ought to go and see about that iced tea.
- Mike Edwards: Honey, you're going to have a seizure carrying on like this.
- Dorothy Johnson: I am?
- Mike Edwards: Sure. Racing that sweet little motor of yours on a warm day.
- Danny Burke: Look, you spend all your dough on dolls and duds. What's that supposed to mean? Penance?
- Mike Edwards: Well, at least I've still got the duds, now, about the dolls, it's a different story.
- Danny Burke: I know, you're makin' a scalp collection.
- Mike Edwards: [looking in his little black book] Now, let's see. Anne, Betty, Claudette - Dorothy. Thirty-eight, Twenty-... . Maple Street.
- Mike Edwards: [singing] I wanna see everything, do everything, While we're doin' it all, I'll buy the peanuts and popcorn, We'll have us a ball...
- Mike Edwards: [singing] Relax... mmmmm... .let loose... mmmm... defrost... .mmmmm... .mmmmm... .
- [kiss]
- Mike Edwards: [singing] Cut loose, let your hair down honey, Unwind, turn the lights down low, Relax, let's uncork the stopper, Come to papa, come on let's go...
- Danny Burke: What tears you away from a Pinochle game? A couple of desperados headed this way?
- Sheriff Garland: Nope. Just a couple of deadbeats.
- Mike Edwards: Well, I sure hope you find 'em.
- Sheriff Garland: I just did.
- Mike Edwards: She's the kind that might go for the sympathy bit.
- Danny Burke: Who?
- Mike Edwards: The nurse I met at the fairgrounds today. Florence Nightingale, servant of humanity, and all that jazz.
- Danny Burke: The rabbit hunter rides again. Some doll gives him the brush and right away its a challenge.
- Mike Edwards: I'll tell her she's keeping me up at nights. Ruining my health. Breaking my heart.
- Danny Burke: She'll probably hand you a pill.
- Danny Burke: What happened?
- Mike Edwards: You're probably gonna laugh yourself to death when I tell you. I ran into this girl today.
- Danny Burke: Flash! He ran into a girl. Today!
- Mike Edwards: Yeah, I know, I know. But, this girl is - I must be flippin' my lid. She's not even my type.
- Danny Burke: You mean like aloof?
- Mike Edwards: Worse. Chilly! Ice cold!
- Danny Burke: Well, they all have to be room temperature, right?
- Mike Edwards: Right.
- Mike Edwards: You'd be surprised, Danny. Some women love to think that they can destroy you.
- Danny Burke: And do.
- Mike Edwards: Oh boy, and I had to fall for her. A dame that likes to go around making everyone's decisions for them. She must think she's got the only brain in town!
- Lily: Two bourbons on the rocks for table three.
- [Danny walks up and spanks her behind]
- Lily: Danny Burke!
- Danny Burke: Hi ya, gumdrop!
- Lily: [Danny asks Lily for a favor] You name it, Danny.
- Danny Burke: I'll do that, doll face.
- Lily: See you later.
- [Danny spanks her behind]
- Lily: Danny!
- Danny Burke: Say, I forgot the name of the mouse at the bar.
- Vince Bradley: Oh, Lily.
- Danny Burke: Lily, yeah.
- Mike Edwards: [singing] I think that you can play the part, And give a guy, a happy heaaaaAAAAaaart, Happy ending...
- Diane Warren: Happy ending!
- Mike Edwards, Diane Warren: Give me a story with a, Happy ending...
- Mike Edwards: Tell me some more about this space program.
- Diane Warren: All right. Are you really a pilot?
- Mike Edwards: Sure.
- Diane Warren: Well, the space program has a lot of jobs that a pilot can qualify for.
- Mike Edwards: I might just look into that. You know, there may come a time when we'll remember this as the day that I started out with a broken leg and, thanks to you, ended up strapped in a nose cone.