- Foots Pulardos: No loot! No plane fare! No getaway!
- [Looking up]
- Foots Pulardos: Somebody up there hates my guts.
- Ella Trask: Ernie, this isn't any ordinary file. It's a gorgeous, complicated brain, with delicate little nerve endings. And nobody plays with it but Mama!
- Ernest Klenk: What are you doing here? Don't you know it's bad luck for the grime to see the brood? Uh, the bride to see the groom?
- Mr. Martindale: Some little old lady in Pasadena thought it would be cute if her hound had a Diners Card--and you OK'ed it.
- Sugar Pye: [In her cups] I mean, why shouldn't he be jealous. I'm not just a brain, you know. I've got a body--a good body, see.
- Ernest Klenk: You mean I'm going to be fired, sir?
- Mr. Martindale: Your lightning insights never cease to astound me.
- Ernest Klenk: Thank you, sir.
- Foots Pulardos: [after a contact he asked for some money hangs up on him] Selfish! Selfish! Selfish! Maybe I don't live right.
- Sugar Pye: Oh, Footsy! Don't worry, sweetheart. Your little Sugar'll fix everything.
- Foots Pulardos: [groaning] Ohhhhhh.
- Ernest Klenk: You mean I don't qualify?
- Foots Pulardos: Klenk, do I look like the kinda guy that denies a guy to work ona counta infirma?
- [sic]
- George: Uh, what kinda 'sperience you got?
- Ernest Klenk: [In a tough, dumb guy voice] Uh, 'sperience? Well, uh, I, I had, uh, two years with the muscle institute in, uh, Newuk, New Joisey.
- George: Oh, I knew you had a little class when you came in here.
- Ernest Klenk: Yeah, then I had, uh, 'bout nine months with the, uh, Torso acstitute
- [sic]
- Ernest Klenk: in Fire Island. We were doin', uh, you know, all them, uh, uh, all that work there there.
- [sic]
- Foots Pulardos: As soon as you're ready, you give me your word and then me and Sugar will cut out.
- Mooseghian: Sugar? You're taking that birdbrain stripper with you?
- Foots Pulardos: [grabbing him by the collars] Whadaya mean, birdbrain?
- Foots Pulardos: [On the telephone] Listen, I told the Feds that I got all my money from fiends. You gonna make a perjurer outta me?
- George: Shoe size?
- Ernest Klenk: 10 and 11.
- George: Make up your mind, which is it?
- Ernest Klenk: 10 and 11.
- George, Ernest Klenk: [Writing it down on the employment form] 10 and... 10, and... 11?
- Ernest Klenk: Well, yeah, you see, one... one foot is a little bit longer than the other.
- Ernest Klenk: Bea?
- Bea Frampton: Mm-hm.
- Ernest Klenk: Let me ask you something. Uh, what would you do, if, by mistake, I mean, you inadvertently OKed a card for somebody whose name was on that board?
- Bea Frampton: I'd shoot myself.
- Ernest Klenk: Oh. Well, suppose you were a coward?
- Bea Frampton: I'd destroy the evidence and then I'd shoot myself.
- Mr. Martindale: But one more blunder and your feckless grunion hunting in this temple of commerce will be terminated immediately.
- Mr. Martindale: Uh, Klenk, it is my understanding that there exists in Los Angeles a semi-religious cult which considers dogs, cheetahs, and parakeets to be the beloved of the gods. Uh, are you by any chance a dues-paying member of this cult?
- Ernest Klenk: Oh, no, sir. Oh, no, no, no.
- Mr. Martindale: I, I just thought I'd ask... since you have seen fit to OK a Diners' Club card for a German Shepherd.
- Sugar Pye: I'm not just a body, you know. I've got brains too.
- Foots Pulardos: Brains?
- Sugar Pye: You see what I mean? Oh! All you ever give me credit for is unmentionables.
- Mr. Martindale: I am aware that you are going to marry my favorite secretary the day after tomorrow. And your various anxieties have set my kidney throbbing with sympathetic pulsations.
- Foots Pulardos: You birdbrain. That's the great seal of the United States.
- Sugar Pye: It was not a seal. It was an eagle.
- Beatnik: [Answering the door to the Greenwich Village party going on in the apartment below Ernie's] Were you invited?
- Ernest Klenk: Did you find a redhead in your dumb waiter tonight?
- Beatnik: You were invited. Come on in.
- Sugar Pye: Sometimes on a rainy day, I, I'd read to him, you know. I read to him about Julius Verne, Moby Dick, all those other Greeks.
- Foots Pulardos: All right, how does it work?
- Mooseghian: All you have to do is strap the client in the machine and bazoonk: the Sweat Shop becomes Sodom and Gomorrah. Only one thing, Foots: don't look back.
- Sugar Pye: I missed you so much.
- Foots Pulardos: All right. Go change your clothes. You know I can't stand the smell of jails.
- Ernest Klenk, Foots Pulardos: But I'll have to pay for everything.
- Foots Pulardos: Never count costs. That's the secret of a long life.