- Nazi Officer: Maybe, mademoiselle, you'd care for a glass of wine. It is an excellent wine.
- Celine: Perhaps I will take the wine.
- Nazi Officer: Ah, this is better. Yes, frauline, you will learn as your people will have to. That if they want to fill their stomachs again, they will have to swallow... a little pride along with the food.
- [Rubs her shoulder. She throws glass of wine in his face]
- Nazi Officer: You... guards! You, you... PIG!
- Celine: [as she is take away by guards] And what are you if I am a PIG?
- Beverly Boyer: [after watching this live scene with wide eyes, suffers stage fright when is cued to begin the Happy Soap commercial] Hello. I'm... I'm Beverly Boyer and I'm a pig.
- Old Tom Fraleigh: [Watching on his t.v] A pig?
- Mrs. Fraleigh: A pig?
- Gardiner Fraleigh: A pig?
- Mike Palmer: A pig?
- Andy Boyer: What did mommy say?
- Olivia: She said she was a pig.
- Mrs. Fraleigh: I've been taking very long walks up and down Fifth Avenue.
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: Fine. Exercise is very important.
- Mrs. Fraleigh: I don't walk for the exercise. I walk to show off. I'm proud of my condition. Is that silly?
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: Silly? That's about the healthiest attitude you could have.
- Mrs. Goethe: [pics up the phone, speaks with a strong accent] Hallo?
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: Hello, this is Dr. Boyer.
- Mrs. Goethe: Doctor nicht home. He hospital.
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: No, I am Dr. Boyer. I would like to speak to Mrs. Boyer.
- Mrs. Goethe: Mrs. Boyer Picture parlour. Ich sage Nein. Doctor not home.
- [hangs up]
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: I guess, I'm not home.
- Beverly Boyer: If anybody ever asks me to go on television again, I hope that you'll just...
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: I will. I'll beat 'em off with my stethoscope.
- Mrs. Fraleigh: I don't know when I've been so happy. I guess there's nothing more fulfilling in life than having a baby. Oh, listen to me. Something you've probably heard a thousand times.
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: Never stated so beautifully.
- High Society Man in Tuxedo: [In a live broadcast scene from Happy Playhouse] And in honor of this occasion, I'd like to propose a toast. To you, Lorraine, thank heavens I didn't marry you. Tell me, do you still have those magnificent soft white shoulders... whom do you tantalize with them now?
- [Lorraine throws her drink on him]
- High Society Man in Tuxedo: You tramp! Waiter! You tramp!
- Beverly Boyer: [watching the scene with advertising executives] Hey, wasn't that scene like the one last week with the Nazi and that woman?
- Billings: [dismissively] Similar, but the public doesn't notice things like that.
- Andy Boyer: [watching the scene from home with his sister] They did that play last week, except they wore different costumes.
- Maggie Boyer: Yeah, it's the same story.
- Billings: It's much too subtle a variation for the public to detect.
- Cowboy: [to the saloon girl during scene] All right, Kitty. Pour. Pour!
- Maggie Boyer: [Watching from home] She's gonna hit him on the head with the bottle.
- Andy Boyer: But first she's gonna spritz him.
- Cowboy: I'm not gonna hurt you, Kitty.
- [Begins to caress her and she throws a drink in his face]
- Cowboy: Ah, you... you!
- [Kitty smashes a bottle on his head]
- Cowboy: You, you... floosie! You... tramp!
- TV Announcer: In a moment we'll see the conclusion of this week's episode of "Marshal Tucker, M.D."
- Andy Boyer: Mom, can we play golf till lunch is ready?
- Beverly Boyer: Yes, darling. You can play in the back yard. Don't chop up the lawn like daddy.
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: Now you have finally done it.
- Beverly Boyer: Done what?
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: You have finally succeeded in equating the delivery of a baby with the delivery of a commercial.
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: I'm the kind of a husband who likes to see his wife. Not staring at him from a billboard, or looking up at him from a magazine ad. I want to see her, and I want to see here in person and often.
- Beverly Boyer: Why do you have to get so excited, darling?
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: Excited? I just *drove* my car into a swimming pool!
- Beverly Boyer: Gerald? You always said you wanted a pool.
- Beverly Boyer: Well, I don't like. Whatever happened to my rights as a woman?
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: I'll tell you what happened to them. They grew and they grew until they suffocated my rights as a man. Whoever said all men are created equal didn't anticipate a woman making $100,000 a year and spending it on swimming pools.
- Beverly Boyer: I did not spend it on swimming pools! You're gonna wake the children.
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: Good! It'll give them a chance to get reacquainted with their mother.
- Beverly Boyer: [Yelling down from bedroom window] Gerry!
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: [as he attempts to park his car] What?
- Beverly Boyer: [as Gerald drives the car into the pool] Oh!
- [as Gerald looks angrily as the car sinks in the water]
- Beverly Boyer: Oh! Oh! Gerald, I'm coming! Darling, I'm coming! Oh!
- [after Gerald swims out of the pool]
- Beverly Boyer: Oh, darling, you're dripping wet!
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: WHERE did the pool come from?
- Beverly Boyer: Oh, oh, oh. Darling you must be chilled to the bone.
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: It's a *heated* pool. How did it get HERE?
- Beverly Boyer: Please don't shout.
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: I have to shout to be heard over that bilge pump.
- Beverly Boyer: It's a filter, darling.
- Dr. Gerald Boyer: I *know* what it is. I want to know how it got in my backyard!