Eddie Mayehoff credited as playing...
Harold Lampson
- Harold Lampson: I am speaking to you now not as your lawyer but as your friend. Stan, you are a grown man and grown men simply can't, repeat cannot, go around spreading terror on the New York streets at the height of the noon hour accompanied -will you stop just a minute, Stan?- by naked women.
- Stanley Ford: She wasn't naked. She had a diamond in her navel.
- Stanley Ford: Here you are in the prime of life. A handsome figure of a man, successful in business, adored by one and all. In fact, it could be said that you had it made, except for the one thing.
- Harold Lampson: I'm a lousy lawyer, huh?
- Stanley Ford: [scoffs] No, you're married.
- Harold Lampson: Yeah, but being married is the normal way to live. Isn't it?
- Stanley Ford: Who says so?
- Harold Lampson: Edna?
- Stanley Ford: Oh Harold, I think you've been brainwashed. You're missing a very important point: marriage is not a basic fact of nature, it's an invention. It's like the infield fly rule; it exists only because the women say so and like idiots we just go following right along.
- Harold Lampson: Uh...no, no, no, uh, Stan, I don't know what I would do without Edna. She...she...she plans the meals, sends my shirts to the laundry...
- Stanley Ford: [interrupting] Harold, you're making another basic common masculine mistake: you're confusing love and laundry.
- Harold Lampson: [rubbing the side of his face] Love and laundry, ay?
- Stanley Ford: 'Bash Brannigan, Secret Agent' is syndicated in 463 newspapers. You know why?
- Harold Lampson: Sure, I know... Because it's hard-core pornography, softened slightly, ever so slightly, by excessive violence and SADISM!
- Stanley Ford: 'Bash Brannigan' is enjoyed by millions because my readers know it's absolutely authentic! I'd never ask Bash to do anything I hadn't already done myself!
- Harold Lampson: Stan, Stan, uh, I wanna' remind you, lad, that you're now 37 years old. And quite frankly, it's time that you settled down. Now, Edna and I were discussing it last night, and Edna feels - and frankly I agree with her - that there is something almost immoral about a man of your age who isn't married. Doesn't go to an office, sits around drawing an infantile comic strip, that appeals only to morons, Stanley... Stanley? Stanley? Are you listening?
- Harold Lampson: Stanley, you simply cannot continue comporting yourself in the manner of an escaped lunatic.