Rock Hudson credited as playing...
Carter Harrison
- Richard Bramwell: Well you know the mentality of that Board, they're hooked on the idea of corporate image; solid American gentry, family respectability. For their top executives there are not Ten Commandments, only one: thou shalt be married - happily and respectably married...
- Carter Harrison: ...Whether you like it or not
- Richard Bramwell: That's right!
- Carter Harrison: Well I've done just fine, these past seven years, happily and respectably, separated. And I've loved every minute of it
- Richard Bramwell: Yeah, well, that's all gonna change. From now on you're going to have a new look. No more gay married bachelor, you've got to be Carter Harrison, family man
- Carter Harrison: You are out of your skull!
- Richard Bramwell: Carter, when that Board meets in Boston, you can be Yankee Doodle riding to town on a solid gold pony... income in six figures, a private plane, your own yacht, a house in Palm Beach - it's yours. All you need to do is show up in Boston, the week after next with one reasonably respectable wife
- Carter Harrison: Forget it!
- Richard Bramwell: What did you, uh, go around marrying gorgeous fruitcakes for in the first place?
- Carter Harrison: I don't know. It was a cold night. She had an electric blanket.
- Toni Vincente: But Harry's sweet.
- Carter Harrison: Sweet? Hah!
- Toni Vincente: He's nice to have around. He's big and strong and sweet.
- Carter Harrison: So's a sheep dog, but you wouldn't marry one.
- Toni Vincente: But, darling. It's time I had children. And Harry would make a wonderful father.
- Carter Harrison: If we weren't such idiots, we would've had children years ago.
- Toni Vincente: We weren't ready.
- Carter Harrison: We are now, aren't we?
- Toni Vincente: Real ready.
- Carter Harrison: He'll be beautiful.
- Toni Vincente: So will she.
- Toni Vincente: The two men before you were slaughtered in cold blood.
- Carter Harrison: I know, poor devils. But don't worry - third time's a charm.
- Carter Harrison: You don't know what kind of a nut I was married to.
- Richard Bramwell: No, no, I don't. What kind of a nut was she?
- Carter Harrison: She was a half Italian fruitcake, that's what she was.
- Richard Bramwell: Oh, that doesn't sound too bad. What was the other half?
- Carter Harrison: Gorgeous.
- Toni Vincente: Petracini happens to be the world's leading expressionist sculptor. He does wonderful things with a blow torch.
- Carter Harrison: To whom?
- Carter Harrison: [to Harry] You keep your big nose out of this.
- Harry Jones: The same charm. The same sophisticated wit.
- Carter Harrison: Oh, butt out!
- Harry Jones: And getting sharper all the time.
- Toni Vincente: My father was a martyr to humanity.
- Carter Harrison: Some martyr. He got drunk and fell off a wall.
- Carter Harrison: May I borrow your umbrella?
- Toni Vincente: Yes.
- [as he walks off with the umbrella open, a large painted slogan across it reads, "Save Our Unwed Mothers."]
- Carter Harrison: [to Harry] I'll thank you to keep your food-stained beard out of my affairs... and my eggs.
- Carter Harrison: You may not realize it, but there are other people in this world beside Italians.
- Toni Vincente: But who needs them?
- Carter Harrison: If you saw six people waiting in line for a bus you'd join 'em because you thought they were picketing something.
- Carter Harrison: What's wrong with my image? You make it sound like I've just been named leper of the year.
- Carter Harrison: Um, I suppose an artist used to live here.
- Toni Vincente: Yes, he was quite famous. He died.
- Carter Harrison: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Toni Vincente: He was 98.
- Carter Harrison: Oh, well.
- Carter Harrison: [to Toni] I hate to fight and run like this, but I leave happy in the thought that fertility control in backward nations is in such fertile and backward hands.
- Carter Harrison: [Not knowing he's talking to a mortician] It was all my fault, and before I had a chance to explain, she left a note and was gone - just like that.
- Assistant Mortician: Well, that's life sir, isn't it? Here one moment, gone the next.
- Richard Bramwell: [Impersonating a U.S. Embassy security officer, brings Carter some protective gear for the dangerous mission he's going on] Oh, and uh, finally, your uh, your uh, LRP
- [He hands Carter a large pill]
- Carter Harrison: What?
- Richard Bramwell: A Last Resort Pill.
- Carter Harrison: Last Resort Pill?
- Richard Bramwell: Yes - they're marvelous. Absolutely reliable. Quicker than cyanide and only a teensy bit more painful.
- Carter Harrison: Do I take it with water?
- Richard Bramwell: Oh, no. Never take the water out there - deadly, deadly.