Quotes

Hogan's Heroes

Schultz: [Klink is in prison awaiting a possible execution] I have some good news and bad news.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: This time tell me the good news first.
Schultz: You are going to be executed in the morning.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: Then what's the bad news?
Schultz: They aren't giving you a blindfold.

Hogan: [the phone rings while Hogan's men are cracking a safe] Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number.
Carter: [answers the phone in a mock-German accent] I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number.
[pause]
Carter: So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!

Colonel Klink: [runs to the window and shouts outside] Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!

[while safecracking, the phone rings in Klink's office and Carter answers]
Carter: Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.
Hogan: Carter.

Hogan: You see, sir, today is one of our national holidays - repeal of prohibition.

[Hogan impersonating Gestapo and holds up a General at gunpoint]
General: What is this, you are not Gestapo?
Hogan: Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country.
General: But I don't want to leave the country.
Hogan: After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay?
General: I'm coming with you.

Hogan: [Hogan and Newkirk pose as German officers in a Nazi building] Take this man's name down, have him transferred to the Russian front!
Newkirk: Jawohl, Herr General! Heil Hitler!
Germans: [frantically] Heil Hitler!
Officer: [approaches Hogan] Might I assist you?
Hogan: [pointing at officer] This man is to be court martialed and *shot!*
Officer: But Herr General, I've not even greeted you yet!
Hogan: That's why! You're too slow!

[Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking]
Colonel Klink: [to Burkhalter] ... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start.

Leslie Smythe-Beddoes: [Hogan pretends to be a Nazi sympathizer to get on German radio and discredit propagandist Leslie Smythe-Beddoes] You read Mein Kampf, I believe.
Hogan: Oh, yeah. You know that guy, Hitler, who wrote it? A lot of people say that just because he wears that silly mustache the book's a big joke...

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: [to Klink and Schultz] You two are the only ones that could bring the Third Reich to it's knees.

Colonel Klink: When I looked out the window I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Hogan: Well if it makes you feel any better, sir, there IS a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Colonel Klink: WHAT?

Colonel Klink: [trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid] ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.
Schultz: [walking in to the office introducing a Captain] Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!
Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure!
Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!
Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe.
Schultz: Illustrious Luft...
Colonel Klink: Shultz!

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink: [sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.
Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.

[in an argument with a captain about safehousing a truck and cargo]
Colonel Klink: I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.
Captain: I have orders.
[Hands over papers with orders to Klink]
Colonel Klink: The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders.
[Klink in a casual tone starts reading to himself the captain's orders paper]
Colonel Klink: "All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation, assist without question. Ahmmm. Failure... punishment execution by firing squad. Signed General Jodl for the Führer."
[energetically and enthusiastically gets up off his chair and shakes the captain's hand]
Colonel Klink: Glad to have you with us, Captain.

[Klink brags that he is in tip-top physical shape]
General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness, that's another.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: I never want to hear about the Air Corps again!
[Col. Klink starts playing the Air Corps Hymn on his violin]

Major Hochstetter: [repeated line, whenever Col. Hogans shows up] What is this man doing here?

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