- Ens. Rita J. Benson: Lieutenant, I know you're the victim of one of the biggest boo-boos in the history of the U.S. Navy.
- John Paul Steckler VII: Yeah, I am.
- Ens. Rita J. Benson: I've looked over your record and it's spotless. You've always had the utmost concern for government property.
- John Paul Steckler VII: W-well I always DID try my best - except maybe just that one time w-when I painted my seabag all red and cut the two holes in the bottom for my feet.
- Ens. Rita J. Benson: Your feet?
- John Paul Steckler VII: Well, it was a Halloween party, y' see. I went as a skinless frankfurter.
- Ens. Rita J. Benson: You can take your shoes off, if you'd like.
- John Paul Steckler VII: Oh, thank you. I won't be as tall, though.
- John Paul Steckler VII: Now hear this! Now hear this! I want a tight ship! I want an efficient ship! 'Cause an efficient ship is a happy ship! And a happy ship is a tight ship! And I want everyone to be efficient, happy and tight!
- Vice Adm. Philo Tecumseh Bludde: This man is the shrewdest, cleverest undercover agent we've ever been up against.
- Ens. Rita J. Benson: But, sir, I think he's too dumb to be that smart to play it that stupid.
- Vice Adm. Philo Tecumseh Bludde: Say that again.
- Operator: I'm sorry, madam. Your party's been disconnected.
- Prudence Trabert Steckler: MY party never got started.