Jack Lemmon credited as playing...
Jerry • Daphne
- [last lines]
- Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
- Osgood: Why not?
- Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
- Osgood: Doesn't matter.
- Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
- Osgood: I don't care.
- Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
- Osgood: I forgive you.
- Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children!
- Osgood: We can adopt some.
- Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...
- [Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig]
- Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man!
- Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect!
- [Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]
- [at the booking office, trying to be hired]
- Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?
- Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.
- Jerry: We could pass for that.
- Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.
- Jerry: We could dye our hair.
- Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.
- Jerry: We could...
- Joe: No, we couldn't!
- Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
- Jerry: I'm a boy.
- Joe: That's the boy.
- Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
- Joe: What engagement present?
- Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
- Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!
- Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
- Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
- Joe - 'Josephine': [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne?
- Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.
- Sugar: [pouring bourbon into paper cup] Turn the lights on.
- Daphne: No lights, we don't want anyone to know we're having a party.
- Sugar: But I might spill some.
- Daphne: So spill it! Spills, thrills, laughs, and games. This may even turn out to be a surprise party.
- Sugar: What's the surprise?
- Daphne: Not yet.
- Sugar: When?
- Daphne: Better have a drink first.
- Sugar: There. That'll put hair on your chest.
- Daphne: No fair guessing.
- Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.
- Daphne: Is that so?
- Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
- Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?
- Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.
- Daphne: You're not sure?
- Osgood: Mama is keeping score.
- Jerry: [Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire] What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!
- Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
- Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
- Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
- Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
- Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
- Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
- Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter.
- Joe: Watch it, Daphne!
- Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie...
- Joe: Look, Stoop...
- Daphne: And cherry tart...
- Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!