- Nurse Fay McMahon: The police used to be run by men of integrity!
- Inspector Truscott: That is a mistake which has since been rectified.
- [Hal arrives back just after Mrs McLeavy has died; the priest is reading the Last Rites]
- Nurse Fay McMahon: You've just missed her. She's gone... to wherever Protestants go.
- Inspector Truscott: [posing as an official of the Water Board] We suspect a sabotage attempt on our pipes. Welsh Nationalists have been reported locally.
- Nurse Fay McMahon: [to Mr McLeavy] You've been a widower for several hours now. Have you considered a second marriage?
- Mr. Bateman: What's this?
- Mr. McLeavy: It's a cold collation, sir.
- Mr. Bateman: It's Monday. There's always steak and kidney pudding on Monday.
- Mr. McLeavy: Mrs McLeavy *died* this morning, sir.
- Mr. Bateman: Your staff problems are not *my* concern!
- Mr. McLeavy: Unfortunately she was unable to make a pudding before she went.
- Mr. Bateman: I hope this doesn't prove to be a permanent state of affairs.
- Mr. McLeavy: Well it is for *her*, sir.
- [Mrs McLeavy has just died]
- Mr. McLeavy: I'm having her embalmed.
- Nurse Fay McMahon: Embalmed? Oh, I'm sure she'd enjoy that. She always used to love her make-up.
- Undertaker: Is this your first bereavement, Mr McLeavy?
- Mr. McLeavy: Yes it is.
- [the undertaker reaches into his pocket and pulls out a booklet]
- Undertaker: [reciting mechanically] May I recommend this little booklet. We find it particularly helpful to newcomers to these occasions. You will find therein words of comfort from various sources: the New Testament, the Old Testament, the Talmud and the Koran. Strike out whichever is inapplicable.
- Mr. McLeavy: My wife was a Protestant.
- Undertaker: It takes all sorts to make a world, sir. Yesterday we buried a vegetarian.
- Nurse Fay McMahon: *I* am a woman. Only half the human race can say that without fear of contradiction.
- [the hearse carrying Mrs McLeavy crashes and catches fire on the way to her burial]
- Mr. McLeavy: Will some gallant soul save her from the flames? She had a mortal fear of being cremated.
- [cautioning Mr McLeavy]
- Inspector Truscott: I must warn you, sir, that anything you say may be taken down, twisted round, altered and used in evidence against you.