- Lt. Bixbee: You see, in the neighborhood that I come from, a kid had 3 chances. He could be a hood, he could be a cop, he could be a priest. Well, I was too clumsy to steal, and we weren't Catholic.
- Sgt. Rothschild: [They've just reviewed the bank's security camera footage of the robbery] Well, that's it. Suspect: young, white female, 5 foot 3, red hair, yellow suit. Did I forget anything?
- Lt. Bixbee: Yeah, when viewed from behind, she has a very attractive wiggle.
- Lt. Bixbee: Penelope, I am the best damn cop I know. And that's my trouble. I'm too damn good for my own damn good.
- Penelope: I think you're very good.
- James B. Elcott: [His bank has been trying to contact her regarding an inheritance] I've written you 9 times in the last 2 months... You're certain you never received any of my letters?
- Penelope: Ah, I know what happened... You see, I never open my mail.
- James B. Elcott: Oh. Who does it for you?
- Penelope: Nobody.
- James B. Elcott: What happens to it?
- Penelope: Well, usually I stick it away in a drawer someplace, and then I always forget it. Or, it gets lost.
- James B. Elcott: Don't you lose a lot of friends that way?
- Penelope: Oh, no. Just the opposite! You see, if you write me a letter, and I answer it, then you have to answer mine. Then I answer your second letter, and you have to write me a third in answer to my second, and then I have to write you a third, and you have to send me a fourth. And pretty soon we're so busy writing letters to each other, we haven't got time to be friends. Isn't that true?
- Dr. Gregory Mannix: Now what was the first time?
- Penelope: Well, the very first time - was my last week in college. I was all dressed up for the senior prom when Professor Klobb came by. Professor Klobb taught Anthropology 404 and he said he'd like to show me some pictures of the Okokos tribe in his laboratory. He said the Okokos had some very strange customs. Well, they certainly did, but no stranger than Professor Klobb's.
- Lt. Bixbee: You're tense. You're much too tense. Very bad for the digestion. Relax. The insurance company, let them be tense. They have to make good your losses.
- Penelope: This morning I went shopping and then I went to the Museum of Modern Art. They have a marvelous new exhibit there. Then I had lunch at the, uh, Plaza. The Palm Court. Eggs Benedict. And then, a few minutes before 3 o'clock I stuck up my husband's bank.
- Penelope: [singing] You can make me touch the sky, Give me wings and help me fly, But without you night and day, My world is clouded, The sun is gray...
- Penelope: Pardon, monsieur. It is more blessed to give than to take, no?
- Major Higgins: So we've been taught. Yes.
- Penelope: Hmm, too bad it is not the other way around.
- James B. Elcott: Your shoes? Where are your shoes, darling?
- Penelope: Oh, wouldn't you know it? I left them in the taxi.
- James B. Elcott: Last week, it was in the elevator.
- James B. Elcott: You've got a lot of boyfriends, haven't you?
- Penelope: Hmm. You're my first banker.
- James B. Elcott: Why all this shopping around?
- Penelope: Well, if you don't try everything- how are you gonna find out what you really like?
- James B. Elcott: Out of the mouths of babes.
- [kiss]
- Penelope: Again.
- Penelope: And now I'd like to get up, please.
- James B. Elcott: Pardon?
- Penelope: You're kneeling on my hair.
- Lt. Bixbee: Poke your tongue into it and fill the pocket with air.
- Penelope: I did it!
- Lt. Bixbee: Beginner's luck.
- Penelope: There's only one hobby that seemed to cheer me up. Burglary.
- Dr. Gregory Mannix: Not burglary. That's forcible entry. All you committed was simple larceny.
- Penelope: Please, Gregory, I'd rather think of it as burglary. It's more exciting.
- Dr. Gregory Mannix: All right, how do I look?
- Penelope: Frightened.
- Dr. Gregory Mannix: Oh, no, I mean up here.
- Penelope: Like Batman.
- Dr. Gregory Mannix: Thanks.
- Lt. Bixbee: What's your right name, honey?
- Honeysuckle Rose: Well, I told you. Honeysuckle Rose. My sister's Mexicali Rose.
- Lt. Bixbee: I know, the roses of Washington Square.
- Honeysuckle Rose: Huntington, West Virginia.
- James B. Elcott: Oh, Gregory, you should have known me in the days before you knew me. I was vague, frivolous. You might even say a bit of a ding.
- Lt. Bixbee: Honey, believe me, you're only making it tough on yourself by sticking to this cockamamie story.
- Honeysuckle Rose: Well, that's the only cockamamie story I know!
- Lt. Bixbee: Penelope, I don't think you're getting the full picture. You see, the charge against Miss Rose here is not cat-walking, it's bank-robbing.
- James B. Elcott: He's not doing a very good job of helping you by humoring these fantasies of yours.
- James B. Elcott: Last night at three in the morning you were in bed - next to me.
- Penelope: Well, what's wrong with that? We're married.
- Penelope: If you really and truly wanted me to believe that you were a thief, I would. Because, I trust you.
- Taxi Driver: I know. Follow that cab.
- James B. Elcott: No, no, I'm looking for a girl.
- Taxi Driver: Who ain't?
- James B. Elcott: And she'd have just come out of the bank.
- Taxi Driver: With a real nice wiggle?
- James B. Elcott: Yes, yes.
- James B. Elcott: Would you mind doing me a favor?
- Mildred: Oh, anything, anything.
- James B. Elcott: Try kissing somebody else for a change, huh?
- Mildred: Well, honestly, I do, but I just don't enjoy it as much.
- James B. Elcott: That face. However, for a moment, you looked just like my wife.
- Taxi Driver: And I thought mine was a dog.
- James B. Elcott: A double scotch.
- Party Bartender: Soda or over the rocks?
- James B. Elcott: Over another double scotch.
- Mildred: Ooh, yummy, I'll drink to that.
- Ducky: Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Such a big commotion. Over what? Some yellow rag? The color's all wrong for your sallow complexion. And yellow? On a woman of your years?