Michael Caine credited as playing...
Michael Finsbury
- Michael Finsbury: I never knew my parents. They were killed in a balloon ascension.
- Julia Finsbury: Well, I only knew mine vaguely. My father was a missionary. He was eaten by his Bible class.
- Michael Finsbury: Your mother?
- Julia Finsbury: She too. They never eat one without the other.
- [last lines]
- Detective: All right, come on, come on, what's going on? Come on, what is it? Come on!
- Clergyman: Please, sir, I beg of you, there's a dead man here.
- Detective: All right, no one move!
- [long pause while he realizes it's a church burial]
- Detective: Finsbury?
- Michael Finsbury, Julia Finsbury, Masterman Finsbury, Joseph Finsbury, Morris, John Finsbury: Yes?
- Detective: MORRIS Finsbury!
- John Finsbury: [turning Morris around and pointing at him] Yes.
- Detective: Morris Finsbury, I arrest you for stealing £100,000.
- Lawyer Patience: But the money has been returned, sir.
- Detective: Who are you, sir? Some sort of accomplice?
- Lawyer Patience: Certainly not: I am his solicitor.
- Detective: Oh, you've brought your solicitor with you, have you? Yes, I've met your type before.
- Lawyer Patience: No, no, no. I mean, I, I, I'm the administrator of the tontine.
- Detective: Tontine?
- Joseph Finsbury: Named after Lorenzo Tonti, a Neapolitan banker.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Joseph Finsbury: I...
- Masterman Finsbury: [interrupting] He's nobody. He's my young brother.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Masterman Finsbury: None of your business, sir!
- Detective: I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure!
- Julia Finsbury: Oh!
- Michael Finsbury: My grandfather was recently buried, sir.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Julia Finsbury: He is Michael Finsbury.
- Detective: And who are YOU, madam?
- Michael Finsbury: She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become... Julia Finsbury!
- Detective: Young man, did you know there was a body in the piano?
- Peacock: I did it.
- Detective: Who is he?
- Michael Finsbury: He is the butler, sir.
- Detective: The butler did it?
- Michael Finsbury: No, sir. I put the body there.
- Detective: Is this true?
- Michael Finsbury: Yes sir.
- Detective: In that case, you are entitled to a reward of £1,000. You are responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end.
- Michael Finsbury: A, a thousand pounds? Oh, but I-I-I don't, I don't deserve it. The body just arrived in a barrel.
- John Finsbury: I sent it.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Morris Finsbury: He is of diminished responsibility, officer. It was all my doing. If there's any justice in this naughty world, the reward is mine.
- Detective: And WHO are YOU?
- [falls into open grave]
- Morris Finsbury: You remember me - Morris Finsbury. I was falsely accused of stealing a hundred thousand pounds, whereas in fact it was me, and me alone, who was responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just desserts.
- Peacock: How's your grandfather this morning?
- Michael Finsbury: He says he's dying, Peacock.
- Peacock: Oh, he always says that.
- Michael Finsbury: But Peacock, he wants to see his brother Joseph...
- Peacock: He must be dying.
- Michael Finsbury: [reading a telegram that has just been delivered] It's from Lady Pitman. She's sending back that statue we sent her. Says it's a fraud... *Was* it a fraud, Peacock?
- Peacock: Life is a fraud, Master Michael.
- Peacock: What shall we do, Master Michael? What shall we do?
- Michael Finsbury: There's only one thing to do, Peacock. We must inform the police.
- Peacock: But your grandfather's good name, sir?
- Michael Finsbury: I shall say I did it.
- Peacock: No. I am an old man. Let me say I did it.
- Michael Finsbury: What was your motive?
- Peacock: Money!
- Michael Finsbury: They'd never believe you.
- Peacock: And why not sir? After all, I haven't been paid for seven years. Begging your pardon, sir.
- Michael Finsbury: No, Peacock. It's a noble gesture, but I shall plead guilty to the crime.
- Peacock: But think of your career, sir. You have your whole life before you.
- Michael Finsbury: Yes, there is that, of course. Well, we must think of something else, then.
- Masterman Finsbury: Now, you're to go to Joseph and tell him I want to see him.
- Michael Finsbury: Yes sir. But won't that upset you sir?
- Masterman Finsbury: Upset me? Of course it'll upset me. But nothing will upset me more than not winning the tontine and leaving you with a mountain of debts and a doubtful future as an idiot in a profession of rogues and charlatans.
- Julia Finsbury: So, that's where you go every morning. I see you often, through the window.
- Michael Finsbury: Oh, what an extraordinary coincidence. I look at you through the window.
- Michael Finsbury: What to do, Peacock, what to do? That's the question.
- Peacock: If I may be allowed to say, sir?
- Michael Finsbury: Anything, Peacock, anything!
- Peacock: Well, I have heard that there are in certain sectors of this great city, men, unscrupulous men, sir, who, for a price, will perform the most unsavory tasks.
- Julia Finsbury: I've always wanted an empty room of my own. Ours are so cluttered.
- Michael Finsbury: Oh, we have lots of empty rooms. Would you like to see another one?
- Morris Finsbury: I know you are a medical student, cousin, so I need hardly remind you that blood is thicker than water.
- Michael Finsbury: Yes. Five times as, I believe.
- Michael Finsbury: My grandfather is dying.
- Julia Finsbury: Oh. I'm so sorry!
- Michael Finsbury: Oh, it's nothing serious!