- Neely O'Hara: Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothin' but boobies! Who needs 'em? I did great without 'em.
- Anne Welles: [First lines] You've got to climb Mount Everest to reach the Valley of the Dolls. It's a brutal climb to reach that peak. You stand there. Waiting for the rush of exhilaration; but, it doesn't come. You're alone and the feeling of loneliness is overpowering.
- Helen Lawson: The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson, and that's ME, baby, remember?
- [on the phone with her mother]
- Jennifer North: But, I just sent you 50 dollars last week, Mother. Okay, I'll send you 50 dollars as soon as I get my paycheck. You told me Gran's been sick, Mother, and I know about the oil burner. Okay, I'll take the mink to Uncle Ira's again. He'll give me a couple hundred for it. Mother, I know I don't have any talent, and I know all I have is a body, and I am doing my bust exercises. Goodbye, Mother. I'll wire you the money first thing in the morning. Goodbye.
- [hangs up the phone and starts performing bust exercises]
- Jennifer North: Oh, to hell with them! Let 'em droop!
- Neely O'Hara: Then I heard she went to Paris to make art films.
- [laughs]
- Neely O'Hara: Art films? Nudies! That's all they are. Nudies.
- Neely O'Hara: Who are ya hiding from, Helen? The notices couldn't have been that bad.
- Helen Lawson: The show just needs a little fine tuning.
- Neely O'Hara: Don't worry, sweetheart. If the show folds I can always get a part as understudy for my grandmother.
- Helen Lawson: Thanks. I already turned down the part you're playing.
- Neely O'Hara: Bull! Merrick isn't that crazy.
- Helen Lawson: You oughta know, honey, you just came out of the nuthouse.
- Neely O'Hara: It was not a nuthouse!
- Helen Lawson: Look. They drummed you right outta Hollywood! So ya come crawlin' back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope. Now you get outta my way, I got a man waitin' for me.
- Neely O'Hara: That's a switch from the fags you're usually stuck with!
- Helen Lawson: At least I never had to MARRY one!
- Neely O'Hara: YOU TAKE THAT BACK...
- [pulls off Helen's wig while scuffling]
- Neely O'Hara: ... oh my God, it's a wig! HER HAIR'S AS PHONY AS SHE IS!
- Neely O'Hara: Ted Casablanca says he's the joke of the town.
- Jennifer North: I wouldn't pay any attention to that. You know how bitchy fags can be!
- Neely O'Hara: He's not even 30 and he's made over a million bucks!
- Neely O'Hara: [catching her husband in the pool with a girl] Having fun, kiddies? Don't mind me. Go right ahead! I'll watch.
- [girl runs away, naked, into the house]
- Neely O'Hara: You'd better run, you little tramp. How dare you contaminate my pool! Here.
- [empties bottle of alcohol into the pool]
- Neely O'Hara: Maybe this will disinfect it.
- Mel: You're spending a lot more time than necessary with that fag.
- Neely O'Hara: Ted Casablanca is NOT a fag... and I'm the dame who can prove it.
- Anne Welles: Neely, you know it's bad to take liquor with those pills.
- Neely O'Hara: They work faster.
- Neely O'Hara: Well, what nice fattening thing did you tell Arlene to make tonight?
- Mel: Arlene quit. She said you yelled at her.
- Neely O'Hara: She was a louse anyway. You said yourself she was taking home all the booze. Other people have loyal help. Why can't we?
- Mel: You don't know how to talk to them.
- Neely O'Hara: That's your job. You'd better start running this house properly.
- Mel: I'm not the butler.
- Neely O'Hara: You're not the breadwinner either!
- Helen Lawson: I don't need pills like Neely. Sure, I knew you dried her out. But, it won't last. Neely hasn't got that hard core like me. She never learned to roll with the punches. And, believe me, in this business they come left, right and below the belt.
- Ted Casablanca: You've got your new deal, and I've got my sanity back.
- Neely O'Hara: With that little whore?
- Ted Casablanca: That little whore makes me feel nine feet tall!
- Lyon Burke: Do you realize, Miss Wells, that you are the most beautiful girl that ever left lipstick in my office?
- Anne Welles: You like women, don't you?
- Lyon Burke: I like career girls. We're compatible.
- Anne Welles: There's a rumor they don't make very good wives.
- Lyon Burke: Well, I'm not looking for a wife.
- Anne Welles: You're fortunate you know yourself. I don't know who I am, or what I want.
- Henry Bellamy: Take these papers to Helen Lawson, and don't give her any of that "I loved you when I was a child" crap, or she'll stab you in the back.
- Helen Lawson: Give me that damn wig! What the hell are you doing in there?
- Neely O'Hara: Giving it a shampoo. Goodbye, pussycat. Meeowwww!
- [flushes toilet]
- Helen Lawson: My God, she's throwing it in the can, I'll kill her!
- Neely O'Hara: How do you like that? It won't even go down the john!
- Helen Lawson: Give me that wig!
- Neely O'Hara: Okay, you want it back? Here it comes, special delivery!
- [tosses Helen's wet wig over the stall wall, then exits the stall]
- Neely O'Hara: So long, Granny. I'll tell your boyfriend not to wait.
- Miss Steinberg: Mr. Bellamy, this is Miss Welles. She's here about the job.
- Henry Bellamy: She's too good looking.
- Kevin Gillmore: Point number one: the girl to introduce our beauty products on TV show, will be known as the Gillian Girl. Two: she must be beautiful; but, more important, she must be refined, cultured. A girl like Miss Welles, here.
- Henry Bellamy: That's not a girl. That's my secretary!
- Neely O'Hara: Well, I've lost five pounds already. These pills are really great, Jen. They kill your appetite. Only trouble is they pep me up so much I can't sleep.
- [after catching her bisexual husband with a girl]
- Neely O'Hara: All right, faggot! Start explaining!
- Ted Casablanca: You need glasses, Neely. She's hardly built like a boy.
- Neely O'Hara: I could take that better!
- Ted Casablanca: I'm sure you could. You know, you almost made me feel I was queer.
- Helen Lawson: [singing] It's my yard So I will try hard To welcome friends I've yet to know! Oh, I'll plant my own tree. My! Own! Tree! And I!
- [pause]
- Helen Lawson: Will!
- [pause]
- Helen Lawson: Make!
- [pause]
- Helen Lawson: It!
- [pause]
- Helen Lawson: Grow!
- Edward - Playhouse Bartender: Shall I call you a cab?
- Neely O'Hara: I don't need it - I don't need ANYBODY. I got talent, Edward. BIG talent.
- [Standing at doorway, thinking]
- Neely O'Hara: They Love me.
- Tony Polar: Let's go up to your apartment. We'll take the phone off the hook this time; so, Miriam can't bother us. How's that? Come on.
- [Tony grabs her hand about to lift her up from the park bench]
- Jennifer North: Opp... My mother said I should have - held out - and made you marry me! Ha-ha.
- Tony Polar: [Looks at her with a frowning pout] Ohhh... baby...
- Jennifer North: [Smiling] When did I ever do anything my mother told me to?
- [They hug and then kiss]
- Neely O'Hara: I'm Neely O'Hara, pal, that's ME singing on that jukebox!
- Man in bar: Neely O'Hara sings like a bird. You sound like a frog.
- Helen Lawson: You! Go back to the office and tell that son-of-a-bitch to get off his butt and earn his oats.
- Anne Welles: But, Miss Lawson, you haven't finished signing the contracts?
- Helen Lawson: And I don't - intend to! Not until Bellamy ties a can to that little broad's tail.
- Mel: The studio wants her to find out why she's so exhausted. They say they think it must be emotional conflicts. Conflicts, my foot! There aren't enough hours in the day. The head shrinker said she's - insecure. She needs mass love.
- Jennifer North: Maybe I'm lucky I don't have any talent.
- Lyon Burke: They're going to replace you with a younger girl.
- Neely O'Hara: Younger? Lyon, I'm 26!
- Lyon Burke: You look 36.
- Neely O'Hara: Jennifer, shame on you! Hey, still got that mole on your keister? Nope! They covered it up with make-up.
- Play director: [Staring at her breasts and not the large headdress she is wearing] Six hundred bucks for a headdress and not a soul will see it.
- Jennifer North: I feel a little top heavy.
- Play director: Honey, you are a little top heavy.
- Henry Bellamy: I don't want to hear another word about quitting.
- Lyon Burke: The going get's rough, they all talk about retirement.
- Helen Lawson: Not me. I've had it rough before. I'm a barracuda.
- Man in bar: I wonder what happened to Neely O'Hara.
- [snidely]
- Man in bar: They SAY she had laryngitis.
- Neely O'Hara: [taking a drink - searching for a pill] WHO HAD LARYNGITIS?
- Edward - Playhouse Bartender: We're closing now, Miss O'Hara.