The Viking Queen

The Viking Queen is not an epic about the history of Romans in England. It is not a movie about romance (although there's a half-hearted attempt at it). This isn't, as the cover claims, a movie of action. Sit back, relax, and let your mind switch off. That's how to enjoy this film. In the inimitable style that brought us other pseudo-historical films, Hammer has ensured that our time and money is not wasted. It's certainly worth the wait to see the bladed chariot of death. Please don't try to praise this film, or even attempt to call it a classic. It's a joyful romp through the English countryside with an attractive blond, a wicked high priest, and a Machavellian second-in-command. Enjoy!

The title is somewhat misleading in this mash up of historical epic and violent action picture. The script is so silly one simply has to laugh at it, but I'll get to that in a moment. At least it follows in the tradition of Hammer and is exceptionally good looking, with decent battle scenes and lovely female cast members.

The "viking queen" of the title is Salina (played by Finnish beauty Carita, in one of only two film roles), a young Briton living under the rule of Roman conquerors in ancient times. Her father, King Priam (Wilfrid Lawson) is sure that his people can peacefully co-exist with the Romans and conveys this belief to Salina, who inherits the role of queen when he passes on. But there's more. These Britons are part of a group of Druids - who pray to the Greek god Zeus. Salina embarks on a romance with nice guy Roman governor general Justinian (Don Murray of "Bus Stop"), but their happiness will be short lived thanks to Justinians' hateful and power hungry second in command, Octavian (Andrew Keir), and the restlessness of the natives.

Carita looks stunning, so some viewers may not care if her performance isn't all that hot. Murray looks quite out of place, and the excellent supporting cast (Niall MacGinnis, Donald Houston, Adrienne Corri, Patrick Troughton, et al) helps to keep this watchable, although it's sluggish at times. It attempts to be funny with a chariot race that ends in falls into the drink. With Don Chaffey in the directors' seat, the film does serve up doses of sex, violence and sacrifice, enough to maintain our interest for a while. Gorgeous Irish scenery complements the physical charms of the actresses. While one couldn't take it seriously, it does have an endearing camp factor going for it.

In any event, we have to hand it to Hammer for making this kind of thing as we sure don't see much like it anymore. As long as people go in knowing it's absolutely no history lesson and just accept it as escapist entertainment, they can find it diverting enough.

Six out of 10.

Although it has its quirks and is horribly mis-named (the Vikings entered the European scene 700 years after the movie's setting), this movie is a fun and engaging look at a much-overlooked historical stage. Some disbelief-suspension is required (the title character's accent, for example), but historical-fiction fans should find this film quite entertaining. While the costumes and characters (e.g. the sensational depiction of the Druids) might not be 100% believable, the plotline and settings more than make up for it. As a fan of both the old Hammer style and of Roman history, I was quite engrossed. I just wish they'd called it "Queen of the Celts"!

From the trying-for-sublime to the content-to-be-ridiculous. Carita, a Finnish model-turned-actress, is surprisingly credible (well, not really, but she's not as bad as one would expect) as window dressing turned queen Salina of the Britons, trying to keep her people's semi-sovereignty while romancing the Roman general Justinian (Don Murray, pretty darn bland) who is supposed to be keeping her and her people in check. What I liked about this most, apart from the nice location photography and the presence of 2nd Dr. Who Patrick Troughton as wise warrior Tristram was the slightly more complex than expected political intrigue of the thing, with druids, merchants, British nobles and Romans all playing off against each other. What I liked least were the very cheap, poorly choreographed battle scenes where hardly a drop of red paint is even to be seen, and the swords are so obviously dull and plaster that you can't help laughing at times. Still, Carita is cute and the pacing keeps one more interested than not.

DVD rental (double DVD with Vengeance of She watched previously).

Ah, yes, let us now all take a moment and consider our debt to the fine British gentlemen of Hammer Films, who kept the 60s and 70s full of luridly colored historo-horror epics. Arguably, the essence of the Hammer style is 1,001 ways to nearly show naked breasts, and "The Viking Queen" is a high example of such. The queen of the title seems to be based on Bodicea, bloodthirsty queen of the Britons. Still, she is a Viking, even though she is supposedly British, and queen of the Druids, even though they all worship the Greek god Zeus. Whatever. Said queen is played by "International Beauty" Carita in a style so rigid that "wooden" doesn't even cover it. This was her only film--I believe she was actually a hairstylist and did Jane Fonda's astonishing do's in the Euro-Poe flick "Spirits of the Dead." Starring opposite her as her hot-panted, eyeliner-ed Roman love interest is Don Murray, a long way from Marilyn Monroe and the "Bus Stop."

Still, my favorite scene is where the British-Viking-Greek-Druids are sacrificing Romans to the fiery pit and there's this great awkward moment where some kind of assistant priest has to climb down from the big rock and stoke the fire for the next human sacrifice while all the other British-Viking-Greek-Druids stand waiting impatiently. I hate it when that happens.