- Mystery man: Hey, buddy, do you have a cigarette?
- [Gorbunkov stutters]
- Mystery man: What are you, deaf-mute?
- Semyon Gorbunkov: [immediately, very clearly and distinctly] Yes!
- [Giving instructions on how to suddenly approach Gorbunkov; Gennady is wearing an eye-patch, resembling Mikhail Kutuzov, the historical Russian military commander during Napoleonic Wars]
- Lyolik: Give his woman the flowers; the ice cream to the kids. Go and don't screw it up... Kutuzov!
- Semyon Gorbunkov: As they say in London, dog is man's best friend.
- Superintendent: I don't know what they say in London - I haven't been there - but over here the house manager is man's best friend!
- Dog Owner: Well, where am I supposed to walk my dog?
- Superintendent: You were presented with your own apartment - do your walking in there!
- Semyon Gorbunkov: Slipped and fell, got a closed fracture, became unconscious, when I came through I had this cast on.
- [Cops are carrying a body of a passed out drunk, Gorbunkov thinks he is dead]
- Semyon Gorbunkov: I should have been in his place!
- Cop: Get drunk, then you will be.
- Colonel: Why didn't you introduce yourself?
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: Well I wanted to check him out first, see if he'll be alright for this assignment.
- Colonel: So, how did your checking go?
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: [Fixing bandaid on his face] He checked out alright.
- [pause]
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: I didn't think he would...
- Colonel: With a cast?
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: Exactly. Maybe I should...
- Colonel: No, you shouldn't. Did he agree?
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: Yes he did. Now the idea I have is...
- Colonel: Don't bother.
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: In that case can I...
- Colonel: No, don't.
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: What about...
- Colonel: Yeah, that you might want to try. You've been assigned to this case so do what's necessary.
- Lyolik: Watch for the signal. As soon as he fells asleep, she'll turn the lights off.
- Gennady: What if he leaves now?
- Lyolik: Gesha, would you leave such a woman?
- Gennady: Not me, but he is a faithful husband.
- Lyolik: As our Boss says, there is no such a husband out there who wouldn't dream of being a bachelor again for at least an hour.
- [Laughs hysterically]
- Lyolik: Watch for the signal!
- Superintendent: On Wednesday you're giving a lecture. We've put up the posters. You're the only one from our community who has ever been there. The subject is 'New York, City of Contrasts'.
- Semyon Gorbunkov: I haven't been to New York, I've been to Istanbul.
- Superintendent: 'Istanbul, City of Contrasts'. What difference does it make?
- Voiceover: [Smugglers are arguing after realising that they had bandaged gold and diamonds to wrong tourist] There follows an untranslatable play on words with the use of local idiomatic expressions.
- Semyon Gorbunkov: They don't drink vodka with duck. We must drink...
- Gennady: I get you. Fedya, champagne!
- Superintendent: Something has to be done. We won't put up with drunkenness!
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: But you know very well, Varvara Sergeyevna, that...
- Superintendent: I know a lot more than you do, my dear. Where did he get the money?
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: He was invited by a friend who had gotten a bonus.
- Superintendent: According to police records, just for one bay window he broke, he paid ninety seven rubles and eighteen kopecks. Where did he get that kind of money? Your husband has changed since that cruise. The corruptive Western influence. Those idiotic toys. And the thing he said about dogs. 'The best friend of man.' It's odd, and this is only an understatement. All those elements of 'la dolce vita'! I wouldn't be surprised to hear that your husband's secretly seeing a mistress.
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: Senya, tell me, where did you get that pistol and that money? I beg you, please tell me!
- Semyon Gorbunkov: All right, I will tell you. But don't say a word to anyone!
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: I swear.
- Semyon Gorbunkov: It's a state secret. That money and that gun were given me to help me with my mission.
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: What mission?
- Semyon Gorbunkov: Sorry, I can't tell you that. When the time comes, you'll know everything. You might even... get a reward... After I'm gone!
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: Every man can do many things, but, sadly enough, not everyone is aware of it.
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: I saw your special mission. After such a monstrous lie, I will not stay with you any longer! I'm sure the children will understand when they grow up. I'll take care of the divorce formalities. Goodbye.
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: Please tell me the truth, horrible as it may be.
- Semyon Gorbunkov: I walked in the street and I slipped...
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: You never knew how to lie, did you? I know what happened.
- Semyon Gorbunkov: Who told you?
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: I'm sure it's not a closed fracture. What have you got there?
- Semyon Gorbunkov: Gold and diamonds.
- Nadezhda Gorbunkova: Stop kidding!
- Chief: Time is money. When you see money, don't lose time. We must strike the iron when we're close to the swag.
- Lyolik: To quote our dear chief... Mikhail Ivanovich, you've got to strike the iron when you're close to the swag.
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: Have you known citizen Gorbunkov for long?
- Superintendent: Yes, ten years, sorry to say.
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: So for ten years he hit the bottle, debauched and led an immoral life?
- Superintendent: For ten years he has very cleverly masked himself as a decent person. I didn't trust him, though.
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: Don't you think we must always trust people?
- Superintendent: I don't think you can ever trust a man except in the most extreme cases.
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: That's really your opinion?
- Superintendent: Yes. Listen... who are you anyway?
- Captain Mikhail Ivanovich: I work with him. Say, he's a colleague.
- Superintendent: I see. Booze partner. You get out of here! As you say among yourselves, back to your cage!
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